You may be familiar with the saying, “An apple a day keeps the prostitutes away.” This is a good saying because prostitutes are often carriers of disease, and if you happen to catch a disease from a prostitute you might end up having to go see a doctor to get some medicine.
I guess the saying could go, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away because you didn’t catch syphilis from a prostitute” but it just doesn’t have the ‘zing’ that the original saying does.
Ontario is apple country. Because of this you might think that there are no prostitutes in Ontario, but in actual fact there are many prostitutes in this province. I guess you can’t really trust folksy sayings for accuracy all the time.
Ontario apples come in many flavours and styles, and the province is truly an apple lover’s delight. Below I introduce you to some of my favorite Ontario apples. You might want to eat an apple while you read this post because then it will feel like you are actually living inside of the internet, with apple juice tickling your taste buds and running down your chin. It’s like revisiting the 60’s and finding out they had the internet.
Unless otherwise stated, all apple pictures are from the Ontario Apple Growers website.
Northern Spy: Available from October to May, this apple is a favorite for use in pies containing apple. Although the name conjures up images of stealth and sabotage, the Northern Spy is actually quite peaceful and non-partisan. In fact, during the infamous Apple Wars of the 1930’s, the Northern Spy maintained its neutrality and did not become involved in assisting either side in the conflict.
Empire: This ominous sounding apple is available from October through July. It has been known to be ’slightly tart’ and ‘juicy’ at times, but for the most part is pretty amiable. You don’t find Empires around too much any more, as they have become mostly unacceptable in modern times. American politicians still seem to enjoy them, though, although they call them by a different name.
McIntosh: The McIntosh was first coded in the 1800’s to be the perfect apple. Unfortunately computers didn’t exist in the 1800’s so all that code went to waste. Luckily scientists found an alternate use for the McIntosh when they discovered that it was edible. Since then the McIntosh has been a favorite sauce and pie apple.
(photo from Webster’s Online Dictionary)
Road Apples: You might think that Road Apples look disgusting. That’s because they are. I don’t recommend eating Road Apples unless you are trying to impress a girl (or a boy) and eat one on a dare, or maybe if you’re a dog. I don’t recommend baking Road Apples in a pie, or turning them into sauce. You probably shouldn’t step on them either, because then people will start complaining that they smell Road Apples and whine about how disgusting it is.
Spartan: The Spartan is a medium sized apple that is good to eat straight from the tree. In fact, Spartans are best when kept away from kitchens. If you do take them into your kitchen I recommend keeping them sealed in a dark container that blocks out the opulence of the modern kitchen. The flagrant extravagance of todays kitchens can upset the Spartans and cause them to declare war on you. They will then set up a defensive position in the narrowest part of your house. Once this happens it is almost impossible to dislodge them.
Posted in Canadian/American relations, canadian, culture, humour, nationalism, opinion | Tags: apple industry, apples, Canada, canadian, canadian industry, commentary, culture, empire, folk widsom, funny, humor, humour, manure, mcintosh, northern spy, Ontario, opinion, prostitutes, road apples, spartan
)
