Canadian Nature: A Public Service Announcement

This is something those deviants at Hinterland Who’s Who won’t tell you:

Canada is a dangerous land. Why the original European settlers wanted to come here is beyond me. The native peoples had already immersed themselves in the natural way of North America, and were able to function as a part of its structure. Soft Europeans, on the other hand, had developed no natural defense against the scourge of the Canadian wild. Pioneers in this land had to scratch and fight against the wildlife just for the right to exist, let alone thrive.

Today, Canadian civilization is barely surviving. We are limited to the margins of nature, and exist almost exclusively in fortified urban centers that protect us from abominations who are constantly attacking our way of life. Some scientists predict that it’s only a matter of time before we succumb to this onslaught, and the human face of Canada will then be wiped from the annals of history as the animals, once again, take over and rule the land with an iron fist.

(Don’t be fooled, those are actually Canadian animals wearing people skin. This is the kind of intimidation that today’s Canadians must put up with from our insufferable wildlife neighbours.)

As Canadians, we must be under constant vigilance. From the architecturally savvy, yet destructive behaviour of the beaver, to the intimidating thuggery of the moose, Canada’s animals are a bunch of assholes.

(See what I’m talking about? This moose is intimidating a poor family from using their swimming pool.)

Killer whales roam our oceans mocking us with their name, while eastern grey squirrels have infiltrated our city streets and, using malicious chirping noises to intimidate us, they demand peanut sacrifice which we must provide if we wish to continue living.

This is no joke, people. We must take this seriously. Canadian Fermentation will do its part. Consider this post the first in a new series where Canadian Fermentation will examine the threats that nature poses to civilized society. Alright, I admit that most of my ’series’ actually contain only a single post on the subject, but this series will be different, I promise.

Stay tuned, dear reader and feel free to share your own horror stories about interactions you’ve experienced with dastardly wildlife.