Canadian Nature: The Moose – Nature’s Asshole

Moose are fascinating animals. By ‘fascinating’ I mean ‘horribly obtuse’. Moose believe themselves to be nature’s practical joke artists, but in reality they are just a pain in humanities ass.

My heart goes out to my fellow citizens who have to live side by side with these creatures of immense flatulence. Moose are difficult animals to live with as they tend to leave stinky piles of poopy in strategic locations, hoping that people will ‘accidentally’ step in them.

Moose have poor eyesight, making them easy to sneak up on and give wedgies. Unfortunately they also have laser vision, and they think it hilarious to burn holes in people’s britches.

(Moose have poor eyesight and will often get close to items to see what they are. Photo from Hampton Roads Publishing Company.)

Scientific Name: Alces alces (It is a well known fact that animals who have the same genus and species name are mentally deficient.)

Lifespan: Natural lifespan is unknown due to the moose’s tendency to use their laser vision on anyone who asks them.

Preferred Habitat: Found throughout the Northern Hemisphere. Their home base is Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

Dietary Habits: These animals purposely eat vast quantities of ruffage to stimulate mass quantities of defacation. They also like cherry cheesecake.

Behaviour: Moose relax by smashing each other in the head with their immense antlers. For creatures who have such an irreverent attitude, they are savvy business-animals, and have dipped their hooves into many parts of the Canadian economy, including: part ownership in the American Hockey League team, Manitoba Moose; a restaurant chain called Moose Winooski’s; and a radio station called The Moose in Fort St. John, BC.

(I don’t recommend ordering the “Moose Pie Surprise” at Moose Winooski’s)