Just When I Thought I Was Safe

How To Appologize.

A Canadian Apology

A truly Canadian Apology to the USA… Courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I’d like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven’t been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I’m sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn’t nice of us to point it out. If it’s any consolation, the fact that he’s a moron shouldn’t reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it’s not like you actually elected him.

I’m sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn’t give us the right to sell you lumber that’s cheaper and better than your own.

I’m sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. I’m sorry we burnt down your White House during the war of 1812. I notice you’ve rebuilt it! It’s Very Nice.

I’m sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we feel your pain.

I’m sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you’re going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I’m sorry that we’re constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you’re not upset over this. We’ve seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Canadian Elections: Canada Vs. America

Tonight – October 2, 2008 – is an historical night without compare.  Well, I really don’t know if it is “without compare” as I just wrote.  Mainly I thought that sounded quite good and really dramatic.  This night may, indeed, have compare, but that would require research and looking things up.  We all know that’s not going to happen.  So, unless you can prove me wrong, tonight is, indeed, an historical night without compare.

You see, in a brilliant move Elections Canada has decided to schedule the first english-speaking debate for major party leaders tonight at the same time that the Vice-presidential debate is taking place south of the border.  This brings up the question that, as a Canadian, which debate should I watch?

It’s a tough choice, Dear Reader, and the answer can only be found by some serious soul searching.  That or by placing two T.V’s side by side.

In an absolutely historically brilliant move beyond compare I have decided to take a look at the two debates and break them down for you, Dear Reader, in hopes that I may give you some assistance in your choice of which debate to watch.

Canadian Debate Facts:  Tonight the leaders of Canada’s five main political parties will be debating in English.  Last night the french-language debate took place, but nobody cared.  Well, except maybe for some people in Quebec.  But they’re not really people anyway, right?   Common, who’s with me on this?  See, I don’t get any readers from Quebec anyway, so why should I care about slagging them off?  Damn Frenchies.

Na, I’m just kidding.  I love the Quebecois.

Tonight’s debate will tackle all of the serious issues;

• What verbal gaffes will Stephane Dion make and for how many days will it get play in the media?
• How did Elizabeth May manage to squeek into the boy’s club, and will she reveal that her penis is bigger than any of the other leaders’?
• At what point in the debate will  Jack Layton rip off his moustache and throw it like a ninja-star at Steven Harper?
• Will it be revealed that  Steven Harper is actually a stick dressed up in a suit…or was that a suit worn by a stick…no, that’s right, the question is will he reveal how big the stick up his ass actually is?
• And then there’s the french guy that no one outside of Quebec cares about, which is OK, because he doesn’t care about anyone who lives outside of Quebec, so the feeling is mutual.

(NDP leader, Jack Layton, is best known for his legendary ninja skills.)

U.S. Debate Facts:  This one is the only debate between the presidential running mates, Joe Biden for the Democrats, and Sarah Pallin for the Rupublicans.  Usually no one cares much about the VP debate, but this year is different because everyone, including Canadians, want to see if, and how badly, Palin will screw up.  Has everyone bought their Pallin To English dictionaries yet?  After a brilliant start the fancy wrappings in which McCains choice for running mate was wrapped have been discovered to be lead-based paper from China.  Biden has suffered from his own gaffes but, let’s face it, they pale in comparison to the dithered golemn that parades around giving hockey moms everywhere a bad name.

(Sarah Palin may be smiling in this picture, but tonight she actually has to speak…and answer questions…and pretend she’s human.)

Tonight’s VP debate is less about the subject, and more about Reality TV come full circle.  The main question to be answered: Can Sarah Palin rebound and represent herself as a credible Vice Presidential candidate.  If she flubs as baddly as she has the past week or so, I say game over.  Call the election now, because how can anyone with a conscience vote for an ancient Presidential candidate with a moronic running mate.  On the other hand if Bidne comes out hard and gives her a couple of back-hands, and Pallin stands up tall and shows the world why she was elected governor of Alaska, then It’s On!!

There you have it, Dear Reader.  I hope that helps.  As for me, I’m still undecided.  I want to watch the Canadian debate because as an undecided voter (except, of course, for the fact that I will be voting Cirellean, as you should too), I want to embrace the chance to get to know the leaders a little more and to witness what they have to say.  On the other hand, the U.S. debate is likely to be vastly more entertaining.

Good luck, readers.  Choose wisely.

And, of course, head on over to Humor-blogs.com to vote for this article.  Just click on a smiley face and make the world a happier place.

What Happened?

Wow, it’s been over a week since I last posted.  Taking a break, though, was pretty nice.  Mostly, the break was more a fact that I just couldn’t come up with anything to post about, rather than a “Hey, I”m going to take a week off and not post anything” type of event.  I’d call it writers block, but in actuality it was more like the well was empty, rather than ’something’ being in the way.  After having gone away for the weekend, though, I do feel a little more refreshed and have some creativity starting to fester in my cerebellum…or where ever it is that creativity stems from.

I have a few ideas brewing, so now all it takes is some time.  It may seem like I have time right now, since I’m writing this load of crap, but in reality I’m actually strapped for time.  This post is, let’s face it, not exactly the most difficult thing to produce.  I’m hoping to get something different posted either later tonight, or tommorow.  Even if it’s an even smellier piece of poopy.

I miss reading blogs, too, which, for the most part, I avoided last week as well.  I figured that if I wasn’t able to post anything then why should I give myself the pleasure of reading other peoples stuff?  Yeah, that’s it.

Anyway, think good thoughts for Dog In Underpants.  His campaign with the Cirellean party isn’t going as well as he had hoped…

Canadian Fermentation: Update

Removed some links to blogs that are now defunct, and added some new blogs that I’ve been reading lately.  To those people who run the blogs I’ve added, I appologize.  Chances are that within two months you will stop blogging.  I have an uncanny knack for adding blogs to my blogroll that, no matter how many years they had previously been operating, soon decide that they don’t want to blog anymore.  There are a couple of links that I’m keeping on the blogroll that haven’t updated in a while, but I’m hoping that the people will continue to post eventually. *fingers crossed*.

Still, I don’t add blogs very often or very randomly.  It really means I enjoy your writing.