Revisionist History (part 3): The Final Truth!

This is the third and final installment of the epic, Revisionist History series. I know, you’re excited.

If you haven’t already, I suggest you read Part 1 and Part 2 before proceeding, otherwise you will think that I’m critically insane, rather than just insane.

Below are the entries from the pre-Confederation meeting in early 1864. I’ve edited the entries to maintain a concise record of the evening. My comments are in italics.

The most interesting and surprising thing about this journal, written in 1864, is the fact that the language is almost exactly the same as a modern writer might use. In fact, it’s easy to argue, if I hadn’t disclosed the date of the event you might be mistaken in believing that I had actually written the entries. Although I would very much like to take credit, unfortunately I can’t, as awesome and interesting as this journal is.

(What is this cat training for?)

**** Negotiations are going well. The wine is excellent and the food rich and fulfilling…cats seem to be getting along well. No fights. They are together in one of the empty rooms, sitting in a circle as if they are having their own meeting. Very cute! Cats are wonderful creatures, chock-full of surprises.

**** John A. is regaling the members with tales of his latest ‘conquests’. Tupper can’t shut-up about the god-damned trains. I have yet to see both John Hamilton Grey’s in the same room. One keeps leaving just before the other returns. It’s eerie. They do bare a striking resemblance to one another. By this candlelight I’d even be tempted to claim that they were twins. McGee chimes in every now and then saying that leprechauns are out to get him, leprechauns want a part in ruling any new nation that may be formed, and that if he hadn’t rented that safety deposit box in his bank, leprechauns would have stolen his lucky charms; poor bastard. Ambrose Shea is a strange one. He just sits in the corner and stare at all the other participants. It’s a little…creepy. He also smells like fish. Rotting fish.

**** Some of the cats broke into the kitchen and scared the knickers off of the kitchen staff. Several of the cats tried to get into the food that has been prepared for dinner, and it took the entire staff to shoo them away. Now the workers are complaining that several carving knives and cleavers are missing. I believe it’s just an excuse to cover up larceny by the staff. Once we find out who removed the implements they will be punished.

The journal continues on like this for several more pages, discussing the attendees various quirks, with the occasional cat observation thrown in; much like a modern day entertainment rag. All in all it appeared that the conference was going well.

Suddenly things took a turn for the worst! The first entry that indicates something has gone terribly wrong is as follows:

**** We’re locked in the master bedroom. Things have quieted down, but we are too wary to open the door. The level of fear is high; everyone is scared. They shoved a bloody glove under the door, which looked to be from the messenger we sent to deliver a note requesting help. Can only assume that the messenger has met a grisly end. He shall be remembered as a hero.

The writer continues to comment on the building tensions of the situation.

**** They have pushed a note under the door, demanding that they be given voice in the Confederation discussions. They have elected a leader and have written a manifesto outlining their demands. This is insane! They want to have a permanent member attached to any governing body that is elected to lead the new found country. This member is to have veto power. They also want the castration and spaying of all *page torn, remainder of entry missing*

As the hours pass several members are beginning to mentally crack. The consequences are clear; cats were directly responsible for the delay in P.E.I and Newfoundland’s entry into Confederation.

**** Ambrose Shea and one of the John Hamilton Grey’s — the one from P.E.I. — are in dire straits. If we survive this ordeal I’m afraid this incident may scare them away from Confederation. Both John A. — who managed to bring several bottles of liquor with him into the bedroom — and Darcy McGee are holding up grandly. They are a fine example of Canadian Moxie! Charles Tupper has been reduced to tears. He’s currently sitting in a corner sobbing about his trains. “I want my trains,” he says. “I can’t handle this without my trains.” John A. promises him trains if he guarantees that Nova Scotia will still commit to Confederation.

(Did Tupper have sex with this train?)

Then, something really exciting happens! Unfortunately several pages of the journal are torn and missing, so we will never know what it was:

**** Success! Tupper’s plan was brilliant. No one believed that his ‘Ghost Train’ would work, but it did. It was a stroke of genius that included Ambrose Shea striping naked before he…*section illegible*…one of the John Hamilton Grey’s made a dashing figure running for… *section illegible*…McGee sustained severe injury to his groin, but should survive…*section illegible*…the miscreants have been chained together. John A. swears they will stand trial for treason when he…*section illegible*…all is forgiven! We now understand why this event had to occur. Solid, logical reasoning. We see the need for them to have a voice in the direction of this new country. They shall form a ‘shadow government’ in perpetuity, and will work in conjunction with the sitting government to form workable laws upon which this country shall prosper…*section illegible*…all will be returning home now and agree to meet in Charlottetown during the first week of September. Agreement including Newfoundland and P.E.I still looks doubtful…*remainder of text illegible*.

Although cats weren’t mentioned as being directly responsible for the disruption to the meeting one can easily surmise from the above passages that they were, indeed, responsible. Who stole the missing knives and cleavers? Who killed the messenger? Who caused severe wounds to McGee’s groin? Who is in this ‘shadow government’ that is helping to create laws? This is serious stuff, people, and we need to find out!

Obviously it was the cats.

(Obviously…)

Or possibly leprechauns.

(Is this guy really a leprechaun?)