Canadian Mysteries Part 3: What is Burried on Oak Island?

May 15, 2008 at 5:32 pm 6 comments

In part 3 of the Oak Island series I present my three favourite theories on what is burried in the Money Pit on Oak Island. Although it may appear otherwise, my theories are based on solid reasoning and are in no way based on my imagination. This will be obvious when you see the tightness of my arguments.

Theory 1: Loch Ness Monster Breeding Ground

I use the term ‘Lock Ness’ Monster loosely, as it refers to the Lake Monster located at one specific site; Loch Ness in Scotland. Monsters have been reported in lakes across the world, including Canada’s own Ogopogo. Check out this list at Wikipedia to see how many Lake Monsters there are in the world. Wikipedia, as a concept, is much like Lake Monsters; information is based on many sightings by a number of people whose background is questionable at best.

With that many Lake Monsters roaming the Earth it’s safe to assume that they breed. If they need to breed, then it’s obvious that they need a place to breed, known in the Monster world as a breeditorium. I believe that at the bottom of the Money Pit on Oak Island is a large, underground breeditorium where Lake Monsters from around the world meet to have ‘relations’.

By ‘relations’ I, of course, mean ‘monster orgy’.

(Is this what it looks like when Lake Monsters get together to breed?)

The Money Pit, which has caused so much attention recently, was actually a type of sun-roof into the breeditorium that allowed light into the cavern so the monsters could see what was going on. Kinda like when married people say, “Hey, honey, let’s leave the lights on this time, OK?”.

When Europeans moved into the area, the population of humans increased to a level that made the Lake Monsters uncomfortable. The Lake Monsters decided to fill in the hole and abandon the breeditorium. I believe the monsters relocated their breeding ground to a part of the world that no sane human will ever consider visiting: downtown Detroit.

Theory 2: Shakespeare’s Study

I believe that Shakespeare did not actually die, and is, in fact, immortal. Shakespeare’s whole life is wrapped around writing and any intrusion upon his peace and quiet is like sandpaper being rubbed along his scrotum. He tired of writing plays and wanted to get into novels. In order to do so he knew he needed to make a big change. Feigning his death, he left for the new British colonies in the New World.

Discovering a small island off of the southern coast of Nova Scotia he hired a crew to dig a deep hole and construct a comfortable room at the bottom of it. He then had the workers refill the hole thus sealing him off from the world he so despised. He communicates with the outside world through bottle and has a deal with an undisclosed publisher.

Unfortunately Shakespear’s style did not translate well to the modern era. He is now churning out teen romance novels and is suspected to be a staff writer for the television show, Desperate Housewives.

(Did Shakespeare write this book under the pen name, Judy Baer? What, exactly, did the protagonist ‘discover’?)

Theory 3: The Red Hat Theory.

You may be aware of the Red Hat Society. It is an organization that parades as a social gathering for women over 50, but in actuality is a thinly disguised cult associated with the Free Masons. The Red Hat Society is a secret society designed for one thing; keeping the secret of the Red Hat hidden from public knowledge.

Red Hatters believe that when Jesus was nailed to the cross he was wearing his favourite red hat. After his death this red hat was rescued by his disciples, and for years afterwards they would travel across the land using the red hat as a reminder of their savior.

One day they came across a dieing woman who asked the disciples to place the red hat on her head, so she would be comforted in her last moments of life. The disciples agreed. Miraculously the woman recovered. The disciples continued to roam the land and placed the hat on the heads of those in the most need of healing. Amazing things happened and everyone who wore the hat miraculously recovered from whatever was ailing them.

Word of the amazing hat spread and soon everyone who had a problem – which means everyone in the world – sought out the hat. The disciples became overwhelmed and they realized that the myth of the hat was overshadowing the myth of their savior, Jesus Christ. They decided that the hat would have to be ‘disappeared’.

They gave the hat into the care of the bravest of their disciples, Helsaphuv, and sent him on a journey to find a land far away in which to bury the hat. Helsaphuv built a boat and set sail for the West. He planned for a long journey, so he brought a crew of twenty strong women with him. – Helsaphuv was a pretty smart guy. During his voyage he was caught in a massive storm that lasted for forty days and forty nights. Eventually he ship wrecked on an unknown island.

Here he had his strong women dig a deep pit, at the bottom of which they built a chamber. In this chamber they placed the hat. Afterwards they sealed the chamber and refiled the pit, adding some booby-traps to protect the treasure.

The boat had been destroyed in the storm so Hesaphuv and his women were stranded on the island. What were they to do? Without going into details lets just say that Hesaphuv was a pretty lucky guy. Or, perhaps, a very unlucky guy, depending on your point of view and preferences. Hesaphuv and his ladies spawned many offspring. The female descendants of these couplings became The Red Hat Society.

The Red Hat Society may seem like an innocuous organization, but they are charged with keeping the secret of the Red Hat at all costs. In fact once I publish this post I will have to go into hiding for fear of my life. This won’t stop me from posting, though, as I believe in the TRUTH and nothing but the TRUTH, and Red Hatters be damned.

(Red Hatters may appear innocent, but don’t turn your back on them! It’s rumored Elvis learned about the history of the Red Hat just before he ‘accidentally’ overdosed on drugs. In the above photo these Red Hatters are obviously flaunting the fact they got away with murder.)

Of course, if this does happen to be my final post, then please spread the word about the dastardly Red Hat Society.

Feel free to avenge me, if you like.


Entry filed under: canadian, Conspiracy, culture, history, humour, mystery, opinion. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Canadian Mysteries Part 2: The Hole In The Ground Views of Canada

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Carnival of Satire (#100) | The Skwib  |  May 29, 2008 at 1:21 pm

    […] C. Fraser has some Canadian satire in his continuing series on Canadian Mystery: What is Burried on Oak Island?. […]

  • 2. where did shakespear die  |  June 5, 2008 at 8:38 am

    […] my theories are based on solid reasoning and are in no way based on my imagination. This will b…How did Shakespeare die?Q. How did Shakespeare die? From Amanda Mabillard, Your Guide to […]

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