Canadian Industry: Introducing Ontario’s Apples

May 16, 2008 at 1:33 pm 6 comments

You may be familiar with the saying, “An apple a day keeps the prostitutes away.” This is a good saying because prostitutes are often carriers of disease, and if you happen to catch a disease from a prostitute you might end up having to go see a doctor to get some medicine.

I guess the saying could go, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away because you didn’t catch syphilis from a prostitute” but it just doesn’t have the ‘zing’ that the original saying does.

Ontario is apple country. Because of this you might think that there are no prostitutes in Ontario, but in actual fact there are many prostitutes in this province. I guess you can’t really trust folksy sayings for accuracy all the time.

Ontario apples come in many flavours and styles, and the province is truly an apple lover’s delight. Below I introduce you to some of my favorite Ontario apples. You might want to eat an apple while you read this post because then it will feel like you are actually living inside of the internet, with apple juice tickling your taste buds and running down your chin. It’s like revisiting the 60’s and finding out they had the internet.

Unless otherwise stated, all apple pictures are from the Ontario Apple Growers website.

Northern Spy: Available from October to May, this apple is a favorite for use in pies containing apple. Although the name conjures up images of stealth and sabotage, the Northern Spy is actually quite peaceful and non-partisan. In fact, during the infamous Apple Wars of the 1930’s, the Northern Spy maintained its neutrality and did not become involved in assisting either side in the conflict.

Empire: This ominous sounding apple is available from October through July. It has been known to be ‘slightly tart’ and ‘juicy’ at times, but for the most part is pretty amiable. You don’t find Empires around too much any more, as they have become mostly unacceptable in modern times. American politicians still seem to enjoy them, though, although they call them by a different name.

McIntosh: The McIntosh was first coded in the 1800’s to be the perfect apple. Unfortunately computers didn’t exist in the 1800’s so all that code went to waste. Luckily scientists found an alternate use for the McIntosh when they discovered that it was edible. Since then the McIntosh has been a favorite sauce and pie apple.

(photo from Webster’s Online Dictionary)

Road Apples: You might think that Road Apples look disgusting. That’s because they are. I don’t recommend eating Road Apples unless you are trying to impress a girl (or a boy) and eat one on a dare, or maybe if you’re a dog. I don’t recommend baking Road Apples in a pie, or turning them into sauce. You probably shouldn’t step on them either, because then people will start complaining that they smell Road Apples and whine about how disgusting it is.

Spartan: The Spartan is a medium sized apple that is good to eat straight from the tree. In fact, Spartans are best when kept away from kitchens. If you do take them into your kitchen I recommend keeping them sealed in a dark container that blocks out the opulence of the modern kitchen. The flagrant extravagance of todays kitchens can upset the Spartans and cause them to declare war on you. They will then set up a defensive position in the narrowest part of your house. Once this happens it is almost impossible to dislodge them.


Entry filed under: canadian, Canadian/American relations, culture, humour, nationalism, opinion. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Views of Canada Beer + Canadian = Canada

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. chvnx  |  May 19, 2008 at 6:27 pm

    Awesome post! I wrote about John MacIntosh on my blog recently, and a short history of the McIntosh apple (not the Apple Mac 😉 )

    The Road Apples part was just too funny.

    I really like your blog. It’s about time Canadians started taking an active role by promoting European-Canadian culture and ethics.

    Keep up the good work!
    Canada for Canadians!

  • 2. C. Fraser  |  May 19, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    Chvnx – Thanks for your comment! I’m always happy to read that people enjoyed a post *subtle hint to everyone that obsequious fawning is perfectly OK at Canadian Fermentation*. I will definitely check out your site.

    I do enjoy promoting European-Canadian culture and ethics and history, but my intention isn’t to do this at the expense of recognizing that Canada is a multicultural nation. I do believe that all immigrants who come to live in Canada should make an effort to learn about Canadian history and the values of the people who have developed the infrastructure of this nation, but I also value the vibrancy that is inherent when people of the world get together in a single area, such as a city like Toronto.

    My intention isn’t to dismiss efforts by new Canadians. My intention with Canadian Fermentation is to drive my own research into Canada, to be a creative outlet for myself, and hopefully to make other people laugh and think a little more about what Canada is. I welcome all opinions here, and support divergent viewpoints.

    I hope you continue to read, and I look forward to your future comments, as well as exploring your blog.

  • 3. Sun Warrior  |  May 20, 2008 at 12:47 am

    Bravo! Though I think its admirable that Toronto is the multicultural capital of the world, unfortunately it is also the media capital of Canada, and, as such, always seems to come across like the REST of Canada is somehow not as Canadian as that weird place. What a reversal of reality!

    Enjoy your blog… seventh generation Canadian here. Glad to find this on Victoria Day!

    Thanks for the add, BTW! I’ve added your’s as well!


  • 4. C. Fraser  |  May 20, 2008 at 3:19 am

    Thanks for the comment, Sun Warrior. I’ve enjoyed your blog for awhile now and have enjoyed your wisdom. I recommend anyone who reads this to check out Sun’s blog in my blogroll – Canadian – under Journey Into Original Wisdom.

    I agree with your comment on Toronto. I would even go as far as to say that Toronto is the least Canadian of cities. This may not be true – I haven’t visited too many Canadian cities, but I’m willing to bet that it is.

    Thanks for the add! Always appreciated.

  • 5. Redux: An Apple A Day… « Canadian Fermentation  |  December 16, 2008 at 12:15 am

    […] have to admit that I really like this post.  Don’t you find apples inherently […]

  • 6. jarro dophilus  |  June 15, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    These are actually enormous ideas in on the topic
    of blogging.
    You have touched some good things here.
    Any way keep up wrinting.


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