Canadian Nature: Terror In Our Homes!!!

June 5, 2008 at 12:43 am 5 comments

Canada has been exposed to some of the most devastating invasive species known to humans. Sure, purple loosestrife and the zebra muscle may be causing great amounts of irreversible damage to the Canadian environment and are potentially devastating to indigenous species, but there is one animal that has infected millions of households across the nation. This species often, blatantly, poses as a family member. It is known as the ‘house cat’, or ‘lazy lumps of fur’. Below are some things you should know about this scourge before you examine your home to see if you have an infestation:

Scientific Name: Felis catus crazius.

Lifespan: Average lifespan is around 12-15 years. For those who have an infestation, though, these years can feel like an eternity in the steaming bowels of the most hellish torture chamber of hades that a damaged, psychotic mind could design. The most insidious cats can live 20 to 30 years.

Preferred Habitat: Cats prefer to be where they are least wanted.

(It’s not enough that cats take over your home, they will also inhabit your car, bringing their ‘necessaries’ along with them. Cat feces are the most wretched type of excrement known to science.)

Dietary Habits: Cats will only eat the most expensive premium food. They will also ingest most insects, spiders, and rubber bands that they find in their territory. Cats also like salad, and will often make it out of whatever plants you keep in your home. If your houseplants are suddenly exhibiting bite marks on their leaves, it’s likely you have a nest of cats located somewhere in your home.

Behaviour: The behaviour of most cats range from ‘insane’ to ‘bloody insane’. I think cat behaviour is best represented visually, so below are some pictures of typical examples, with a written explanation. If you notice any of these things within your own household, it is likely you have an infestation.


(Cats are very clean creatures. They can spend hours in the shower, thus inflating the hydro or electric bill of the homeowner.)

(Cats stick to the shadows. They like to make secret plans and plot your destruction. Only turn your back on a cat if you have a death wish.)

(Cats are territorial. Trying to enter a cat-claimed space is known as “running the gauntlet’.)

(Cats like to ‘observe’ things from high-places. This is good strategy – in battle always take the high-ground.)

(The next time you are organizing socks after doing laundry, and you discover that one sock is missing, scan your vicinity. If you locate a cat in the area, it’s likely they are somehow involved in the sock’s disappearance.)

(Some cats have mastered the ability to camouflage. Humans will often trip over camouflaged cats and suffer severe injuries. It’s suspected that cats do this on purpose.)

(Cats will always let you know what they think of you, usually in some visual way. This is also known as, THE END.)


Entry filed under: canadian, Cats, humour. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Canadian Nature: A Public Service Announcement Canadian Nationalism: United North America, Part 2

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sun Warrior  |  June 6, 2008 at 6:06 pm

    Dog lover…

  • 2. C. Fraser  |  June 6, 2008 at 6:39 pm


    The cats in the pictures are part of my invasive nest. I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

  • 3. Sun Warrior  |  June 7, 2008 at 8:24 pm

    I guess it’s like women… can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em… LOL! And they can’t be trained…

  • 4. daranee  |  June 9, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    I love LOL cats, and I recently heard about LOL dogs. It just doesn’t work quite as well. Cats are smart and finicky offering plenty of material for witty captions. Dogs, well….

  • 5. C. Fraser  |  June 9, 2008 at 7:55 pm

    I agree, Daranee. Lol dogs just doesn’t have the same intrigue that lol cats does.

    The picture of my cat in the shower actually made it to the front page of the Lol Cats site. It wasn’t my caption, but I’m still kinda proud of the fact that it’s there.


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