Canadian Nature: The Moose – Nature’s Asshole

July 16, 2008 at 11:43 pm 10 comments

Moose are fascinating animals. By ‘fascinating’ I mean ‘horribly obtuse’. Moose believe themselves to be nature’s practical joke artists, but in reality they are just a pain in humanities ass.

My heart goes out to my fellow citizens who have to live side by side with these creatures of immense flatulence. Moose are difficult animals to live with as they tend to leave stinky piles of poopy in strategic locations, hoping that people will ‘accidentally’ step in them.

Moose have poor eyesight, making them easy to sneak up on and give wedgies. Unfortunately they also have laser vision, and they think it hilarious to burn holes in people’s britches.

(Moose have poor eyesight and will often get close to items to see what they are. Photo from Hampton Roads Publishing Company.)

Scientific Name: Alces alces (It is a well known fact that animals who have the same genus and species name are mentally deficient.)

Lifespan: Natural lifespan is unknown due to the moose’s tendency to use their laser vision on anyone who asks them.

Preferred Habitat: Found throughout the Northern Hemisphere. Their home base is Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

Dietary Habits: These animals purposely eat vast quantities of ruffage to stimulate mass quantities of defacation. They also like cherry cheesecake.

Behaviour: Moose relax by smashing each other in the head with their immense antlers. For creatures who have such an irreverent attitude, they are savvy business-animals, and have dipped their hooves into many parts of the Canadian economy, including: part ownership in the American Hockey League team, Manitoba Moose; a restaurant chain called Moose Winooski’s; and a radio station called The Moose in Fort St. John, BC.

(I don’t recommend ordering the “Moose Pie Surprise” at Moose Winooski’s)


Entry filed under: canadian, humour. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Brent Diggs  |  July 17, 2008 at 11:28 am

    So it’s an economic moose conspiracy? I bet they’re the ones behind the whole subprime antler thing.

    The problem (as usual) can be found in Canada.

  • 2. C. Fraser  |  July 17, 2008 at 4:26 pm

    The moose, despite all their other problems, have diversified their interests enough that they should be able to ride out the wave of depression we are going through.

    Canada is the world’s #1 source of friction. It’s good to be #1.

  • 3. Sun Warrior  |  July 17, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    Flatulence… Moose… Toronto’s symbol (are the stupid statues still all around the city?)

    I think Canada would agree… LOL!

  • 4. C. Fraser  |  July 17, 2008 at 8:02 pm

    There’s a few of the statues, here and there. They concern me.

  • 5. Sun Warrior  |  July 19, 2008 at 11:04 am

    I think its just a further sign that T.O. is still confused about itself. The map says they’re in Canada, so they figured they’d be multicultural and let some moose statues in.

    After all, that’s the extent of multiculturalism’s actual impact on our post-Trudeau culture, interesting restaurants.

    Sikh headdress just didn’t catch on, despite the ‘melding of cultures.’ More like solitudes…

  • 6. C. Fraser  |  July 22, 2008 at 4:50 pm

    I’d wear a Sikh headdress, but it doesn’t go with my shoes…

  • 7. Sun Warrior  |  July 23, 2008 at 11:28 am

    I always have a problem finding a matching dagger, personally.

  • 8. Dorthy Carroll  |  May 27, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    Very awesome article! Truely..

  • 9. Justin Connors  |  June 1, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    If only more than 17 people could read this.

  • 10. BC  |  June 11, 2010 at 4:24 am

    I love moose!


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