Archive for August, 2008

Canadian Thoughts: Theology and Sports.

I wonder if any hyper-religious types are noticing how well the Major League Baseball team, the Tampa Bay Rays are doing this year. Up until this current season the team had gone by the name DEVIL Rays. Do you know how many times the team made the playoffs previous to this season?

None.

It looks likely that the Rays will reach the playoffs for the first time since their inception into the league in 1998. You can’t blame them turning to religion and removing the Devil part of their name, really, since they play in the American League’s Eastern Division, which includes the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees. It has been obvious for years that only through divine intervention will any other team in the East make the playoffs.

Since the connection to religion is so obvious in this case, what does it mean that the NHL team, the New Jersey Devils, have had a lot of success since moving to New Jersey from Colorado (then known as the Rockies) in 1982? The team has managed to win three Stanley Cups all the while flaunting the name DEVIL. What kind of deal do the owners of this team have, and with whom did they make it?

Pat Robertson, where are you? We need guidance.

(It is rumoured that during the next NBA expansion, they will only admit a franchise willing to take the name Evil Devil Sex Fiend Worshipers)

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August 27, 2008 at 7:37 pm 4 comments

Canadian Politics: Fall Election Unavoidable.

All signs point to a fall election in Canada. Prime Minister Stephen Harper is laying down the last bits of propaganda in preparation for a run at a majority government for his Conservatives. Unfortunately, for him, he doesn’t realize that another Canadian political party is also well prepared for an election, and this group of highly-evolved Canadians could surprise everyone with their advanced platform and really cool matching uniforms.

The Cirelleans — mentioned previously in a Canadian Fermentation post detailing some of Canada’s fringe political parties — are ready to govern. Outside of the inner-party circle, little is known about the Cirelleans, but during a recent media event and get-to-know-us session, they confidently laid out their political goals and explained why Canadians should vote for them during the next election.

(The Cirelleans introduced their new campaign poster at the media event. Cirellean leaders describe it as, “Motivating.”)

The Cirelleans distributed a list of their parties initiatives to attending media. Canadian Fermentation was able to acquire a copy, as seen below:

  • The Cirellean Party only runs candidates who are exemplars of Highly-Evolved Canadians. The other political parties are filled with Morons and they must be stopped. We know you believe us.
  • The Cirellean Party will create a utopia in Canada, which will then spread throughout the rest of the world and on into the galaxy. This will be accomplished by the execution of all Morons, leaving only Highly-Evolved citizens to run the show.
  • The Cirellean Party will adjust the federal budget so that it reflects the initiatives of the people. To this end the budget will be set at 90% towards space exploration, 5% towards the subsidization of beer and other spirits, 4% towards supporting the highly-evolved leaders in a lifestyle to which they are accustomed, and 1% towards hacksaws to be used during the Moron Cleansing.
  • The Cirellean Party will build 54 large space transport systems, by which Highly-Evolved Canadian citizens will be forced allowed to travel to the Ultimar 4 star system, where, it is believed, the progenitors of the Highly-Evolved citizens are located. It is the duty of the Cirellean Party to return these individuals back to the Fold of Enlightenment.
  • The Cirellean Party believes that all beer and other spirits should be subsidized by the government making these substances easily accessible to all citizens for a low, low price.
  • Everyones favourite colour will be puce.
  • It is the responsibility of elected Cirellean officials to determine who is a Moron and who is Highly-Evolved by using various tests. Women will be tested first, in the Cirellean’s private chambers, and men will be tested afterwards…in the Cirellean’s private chambers.
  • Everyone who votes for the Cirelleans will be given ten-million dollars.
  • Anyone who votes for the Cirelleans is obviously a Highly-Evolved individual and should pass the testing with no problem.

After the Cirelleans announcement rumours started to surface that Harper was changing his mind about calling an election. I can’t say I blame him. These guys sound good!

Well, at least better than any other party running…

VOTE CIRELLEAN BY CLICKING THIS LINK…OR ELSE…

August 20, 2008 at 9:52 pm 7 comments

Canadian Nationalism: How Do We Know Who Is Best?

I think the Olympics and other sporting events are a pretty good way to measure how proud you should be of your country. I mean, obviously only good, worthy nations can win medals. Nations that don’t win medals should be shunned.

A better way to judge the standard of each nation, though, is by judging its babe-quality…

(Does your country have any worth? Find out by watching the next Miss Universe pageant.)

August 19, 2008 at 9:57 am 10 comments

Canadian History: Thank You, America.

The year 1812 was a tumultuous time. People were being born, and people were dying. Inventions were either being brought into existence, or being mentally conceived. Stuff was happening everywhere, including North America. It was amazing.

Also, there was a war. It was called “The War of 1812”. It started in the year 1812 and lasted until 1815, which makes me wonder why it isn’t called “The War of 1812 to 1815”, which would make much more sense. Oh well…historians…pffff.

Now, this post isn’t a rehashing of the War of 1812 to 1815, but only a rehashing of a piece of it. The piece where British Canadian troops invaded and captured a large part of Maine and occupied it for the duration of the war. The British Canadian troops also captured Detroit, but quickly gave it back.

After the war was over, the Holigonians, as citizens of Halifax, Nova Scotia are known, who were occupying the State, raided the treasury that contained taxes which had been collected from American citizens during the occupation. They took this money and ran, prompting the Steve Miller Band to write a song about the incident.

(Did the Steve Miller Band write this song about an incident that happened during the War of 1812 to 1815? You be the judge.)

The Haligonians then returned to Halifax, and, after dressing up as Leprechauns and getting wasted, they tried to figure out what to do with the money.

“Let’s build a high quality cat house so that we can attract lots of high quality hookers,” suggested a group of sailors.

“I really like that cat house idea,” agreed the local, and half-insane, cat lady.

Finally, a young urchin, with shabby clothing and a head full of lice stepped forward and suggested that the American money be used to build something important for the community. Bravely, the young urchin suggested an orphanage. He was quickly shushed.

Finally the townsfolk all agreed that building a University would be the best idea, and so Dalhousie University was born. Today, Dalhousie is one of Canada’s premier schools with quality classes such as “Drinking Alcoholic Beverages” and “Dressing Up As Leprechauns”.

(What sinister shenanigans are being enacted behind the walls of Dalhousie University? Photo from Wikipedia.)

So, thank you, my American friends. Thank you for helping to fund the development of one of Canada’s foremost institutions of learning. We raise a glass to you.

August 17, 2008 at 5:23 pm 3 comments

Canadian Sports: The New Olympics

As of writing this, Team Canada has yet to win a medal at the XXIX Olympics. The Canadian athletes have been very close in several events, but no one has been able to make it to the podium yet. This is very sad.

As a result of these circumstances I’ve decided to come up with some competitions in which Canadians would be competitive.  Hopefully we will see some of these as Olympic events in the future.

Bingo

Overview: Bingo is a simple game, and I’m sure most readers are familiar with it. Basically, players are given cards with the word B-I-N-G-O along the top, and columns of numbers under each letter. A caller randomly picks a ball from a tumbler, and calls out the letter and number that are printed on it. The first player to complete the required pattern wins.

Pros: Winning is based on absolutely no skill and is completely random. Canadian athletes have as much chance of wining as any other nation’s athletes.

Cons: Bingo does not make for exciting T.V.. Potential of a riot breaking out when ‘O-69’ is called.

(It is recommend that, for Bingo to be a successful Olympic sport, athletes wear sexy uniforms)

Proposition

Overview: This sport requires a playing field that mimics a city street scene. Players must make their way down the city street and ‘proposition’ individuals whom the athletes believe are hookers. Points are awarded for each correct proposition. Points are taken away for picking innocent citizens and the round ends if an athlete propositions an undercover police officer. Bonus points are awarded to competitors who are able to pick out the transvestite hooker.

Pros: All the hookers are pros, of course.

Cons: Proposition athletes are known for their irreverent attitudes and often show up to competitions drunk. This resulted in some unfortunate ‘incidents’ during the 2006 World Proposition Championships.

(Can you tell which one of these ‘hookers’ is an undercover cop? It’s one of the skills you need as a Proposition athlete.)

Speed Pet

Overview: This is a bi-species sport bringing humans and cats together in team competition. The goal of the sport is, through petting, to be the first team to have the cat purring. This is best accomplished by the human athletes vigorously petting the cat athletes along their backs. Catnip is considered a banned substance in this sport.

Pros: Speed Pet would be only the second bi-species competition in the Olympics, joining the equestrian events.

Cons: There is the potential that nations will genetically engineer ‘Super Speed-Pet Cats’ that start purring when looked at. This would make competition irrelevant.

(This is the traditional position for Speed Pet athletes.)

Seal Clubbing

Overview: Teams of athletes go into a designated area to hunt and club seals.

Pros: Canada has much experience in this sport already. Our athletes should be well prepared making it possible foe Canada to sweep the medals in this sport.

Cons: A difficult sport to televise due to the carnage. Likely to be protested by groups such as Greenpeace and PETA.

(Seal clubbing is a gruesome sport and not recommended for the faint of heart.)

August 14, 2008 at 1:21 am 10 comments

The Moose: *Wipes Tear From Eye*

Alright, this was just too damn cute, even with the cheesy music.

August 13, 2008 at 1:15 am 2 comments

Canadian Sports: Five-pin Bowling

Today was the opening ceremonies for the XXIX Summer Olympic Games. XXIX is ’29’ in roman numerals. The next Summer Olympics will be the the 30th, and will be represented as XXX. This will be known as the Adult Olympics.

One sport not represented in the Olympics, possibly because it is only played in Canada, is five-pin bowling. Five-pin bowling, much like the ‘normal’ ten-pin variety, requires the participant to knock down pins by the use of a ball. Other than that the two sports are vastly different. For example, five-pin bowling uses five pins, as opposed to the ten pins used in ten-pin bowling. This is probably why they are called five-pin and ten-pin bowling respectively.

The ball for five-pin bowling is also different. It is much smaller than the traditional ten-pin ball, so much so that you can hold the five-pin ball in one hand and there are no holes for the bowlers fingers. Some people–not mentioning any names–have been known to bowl overhand with a five-pin bowling ball. This behaviour usually upsets the owners of the bowling alley, and is generally frowned upon.

(A five-pin bowler and a five-pin bowling ball. I’ll let you figure out which one is which.)

In order to understand the sport of five-pin bowling better, I thought it best to examine the terminology used in this sport. I found the article on Wikipedia to have a good list of the terms that are particular to the sport. Unfortunately most of the definitions are wrong. Below I have listed the correct definitions.

  • “Punch” – What you do to your opponent when the aren’t looking.
  • “Plug” – What you suggest your opponent puts in his mouth when he starts trash talking.
  • “Pick” – Each player is allowed one ‘pick’ per game. This is where you serrupticiously place a booger on your opponent’s ball. This action results in your opponent being ‘grossed out’ and will often cause them to flub their next shot.
  • “Headpin” – If your opponent discovers you delivering a ‘pick’ they are then allowed to smack you upside the head with a bowling pin.
  • “Chop” or “Chop-off” – What the winner of the game does to one of the losers fingers.
  • “Split” – What the loser does immediately after the game to avoid the ‘Chop-off’.
  • “Howie” – If your name is Howie you automatically get an additional 15 points.
  • “10 the hard way” – What happens to a bowler who is found cheating. See “Punch” for further details.
  • “Strike Out” – If a bowler scores a perfect game , they get to ‘strike out’ their opponent, often by use of a “Headpin” or “10 the hard way”.
  • “Turkey” – Five-pin bowler’s favourite sandwich.
  • “Clean game” – A game with no “Picks”.
  • “Wood” – What a female five-pin bowler causes.

August 9, 2008 at 2:05 am 10 comments

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