Redux: An Apple A Day…
Time for another Post From The Depths Of Oblivion, also known as Previously Published Posts From Canadian Fermentation.
I have to admit that I really like this post. Don’t you find apples inherently hilarious?
This Post of Awesomeness, as I like to call it, developed in a totally different way than most entries. Usually a core idea starts to buzz around my brain, prompting me to write something generally related to the idea.
In this case, though, it was a phrase. Specifically it was the phrase, “An apple a day keeps the prostitutes away,” that started the ball rolling. For the life of me I can’t remember how I came up with that phrase, I think I was eating an apple at the time, but I found it quite hilarious and determined that a Canadian Fermentation post must be created with that phrase as the center piece.
At first I considered writing something about prostitutes, because, lets face it, they have a much greater inherent comedic value than apples, but, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, I really dislike making posts about hookers. Hate it. Seriously.
That left me with only one choice: to create a post about apples. Not knowing anything about apples, I visited the Ontario Apple Growers Website and noticed that many apples have interesting names. After that the post pretty much wrote itself.
Here it is in all its glory, An Introduction To Ontario’s Apples, with some minor edits.
You may be familiar with the saying, “An apple a day keeps the prostitutes away.” This is a good saying. Prostitutes are often carriers of disease, and if you happen to catch a disease from a prostitute you might end up going to a doctor to get some medicine.
I guess the saying could go, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away because it stops you getting syphilis from a prostitute” but it just isn’t as concise as the original and belabors the point.
Ontario is apple country. Because of this you might think that there are no hookers in Ontario, but in actual fact many women here are involved in this industry. I guess you can’t really trust folksy sayings for accuracy all the time.
You might want to eat an apple while you read this post because then it will feel like you are actually living inside of the internet.
Unless otherwise stated, all apple pictures are from the Ontario Apple Growers website.
Northern Spy: Available from October to May, this apple is a favorite for use in pies containing apple. Although the name conjures up images of stealth and sabotage, the Northern Spy is actually quite peaceful and non-partisan. In fact, during the infamous Apple Wars of the 1930’s, the Northern Spy maintained its neutrality and did not become involved in assisting either side in the conflict.
Empire: This ominous sounding apple is available from October through July. It has been known to be ‘slightly tart’ and ‘juicy’ at times, but for the most part is pretty amiable. You don’t find Empires around much any more, as they have become unacceptable. American politicians still seem to enjoy them, though, although they call them by a different name.
McIntosh: The McIntosh was first coded in the 1800’s to be the perfect apple. Unfortunately computers didn’t exist in the 1800’s so all that code went to waste. Luckily scientists found an alternate use for the McIntosh when they discovered that it was edible. Since then the McIntosh has been a favorite sauce and pie apple.
(photo from Webster’s Online Dictionary)
Road Apples: You might think that Road Apples look disgusting. This is because they are disgusting. I don’t recommend baking Road Apples in a pie, or turning them into sauce. You probably shouldn’t step on them either, because then people will start complaining that they smell Road Apples and whine about how disgusting it is. In fact, you should probably avoid road apples altogether. It is for the best.
Spartan: Spartans are best when kept away from the opulence of the modern kitchen. The flagrant extravagance of today’s kitchens can upset the Spartans and cause them to declare war on you. They will then set up a defensive position in the narrowest part of your house. Once this happens it is almost impossible to dislodge them.