Archive for January, 2009
What happens when you find 50 Canadians in a pool at the same time? Find out over at Casa AZ. You’ll never believe the shocking end to this story!!!
(Trouble must be brewing when you find this many Canadians in a swimming pool at the same time.)
Welcome back, sports fans, to International Amoeba Battles. Today we have an exciting match between the indomitable Canadian Amoeba and the svelte and sexy Brazilian Amoeba. Today’s match is being staged at the newest Amoeba Battle Arena in the world, located in chilly Yellowknife, capital city of Canada’s Northwest Territories (NWT).
The temperature in Yellowknife today is -274 degrees Kelvin. Residents of Yellowknife consider this “moderate”.
The new Battle Arena is a spectacular architectural achievement. The choice of building an open air arena, instead of a dome, has many wondering about the sanity of the architect. Although the weather can be quite pleasant during the week of summer Yellowknife experiences, the rest of the year is considered uninhabitable by most reasonable people.
On the left is Canadian Amoeba, who had a good showing in a battle against Australian Amoeba, that ended with Canadian and Australian Amoeba teaming up to smite Swedish Amoeba. What a twist!
On the right is Brazilian Amoeba, in Brazil’s first International Amoeba Battle appearance. Brazilian Amoeba appears to be wearing a pair of bikini bottoms, borrowed from the Brazilian beach volley ball team. Very sexy! Unfortunately bikini bottoms are against Amoeba Battle rules, so Brazilian Amoeba will have to take them off.
For today’s battle, I brought my cat, as he enjoys violence and combat.
Unfortunately, having eaten and imbibed a merry amount over the holidays, all of my luscious muscles have gone to pot. My cat also had a festive holiday season, and has become even more out of shape than usual. Have no fear, Amoeba Battle Fans, as my cat and I are performing intense workouts to get back into shape.
Canadian Amoeba and Brazilian Amoeba start the fight by circling one another. This is the first time these opponents have met, so it looks like they are going to take a moment to size one another up.
I’m sure by now you have noticed the improved visuals for this International Amoeba Battle. Canadian Fermentation has upgraded its technological capabilities in order to bring you a visceral experience, Dear Viewer. No expense has been spared! We hope you enjoy it.
Canadian Amoeba and Brazilian Amoeba continue to circle one another. Brazilian Amoeba reaches out and takes a shot at Canadian Amoeba, but the northerner manages to maneuver away from the punch. Canadian Amoeba appears reluctant to engage the enemy in combat. This is becoming an embarrassment for the home fans, who are starting to become restless. There have been a few scattered boos throughout the arena.
Wait a minute! It looks like something is happening. Brazilian Amoeba is slowing down, and looking rather pale. What is with all that shivering?
Brazilian Amoeba has stopped moving and is standing still. Canadian Amoeba moves in for the kill, raising a couple of pseudopods in preparation of the final blow…
Smash!! Wow!! It looks like, due to the extreme cold of Yellowknife, Brazilian Amoeba became an amoebapop thus allowing Canadian Amoeba to shatter Brazilian Amoeba into tiny shards. What amazing strategy on the part of Canadian Amoeba!
Now the reason for the open roof stadium makes sense. The architect is a genius! Give them a raise.
Well, that was another amazing International Amoeba Battle, wasn’t it? Very invigorating. I don’t know about you, Dear Viewer, but I can’t wait until the next International Amoeba Battle. Stay tuned.
Back to the roots of Canadian Fermentation! I have recently started some exhaustive research into the history of Canadian Prime Ministers. This has led to some interesting discoveries! I’ve included some of the more interesting and strange – as well as some of the more infamous – examples of Canadian Prime Ministers. I hope you enjoy it.
Please feel free to leave a response and share who your favourite Prime Minister is.
Sir John A. McDonald:
- Served two terms; the first Canadian Prime Minister from 1867-1873, and a second stint from 1878 – 1891.
- One of the Fathers Of Confederation.
- Enjoyed drinking. Heavily. Often. Sometimes naked, when he would yell to his enemies, “Bring it, bitches.”
- Born in Scotland, which may explain the drinking.
- Progenitor of the trans-Canada railway.
(Sir John A. McDonald enjoyed sunsets, long walks on the beach and parties.)
Sir John Abbott:
- 3rd Prime Minister of Canada.
- Nobody fucking cares about John Abbott.
(Who is this guy?)
- Little known fact that Marx was Prime Minister in 1933. Ruled under the name Rufus T. Firefly.
- Changed the name of country from Canada to Freedonia.
- Forced Freedonia into a war with fictional country, Sylvania. Hilarity ensued.
- Wields a mean Stradivarius.
- Excerpt from cabinet meeting:
- Minister of Finance: Here is the Treasury Department’s report, sir. I hope you’ll find it clear.
Rufus T. Firefly: Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.
[to Bob Roland]
Rufus T. Firefly: Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.
(Mr. Marx had the reputation that he would do anything, or anyone, for power.)
William Lyon Mckenzie King:
- Served as Prime Minister on three different occasions; 1921-1926, 1926-1930, 1935-1948, thus winning the Triple Crown of Canadian politics. His award was a free extra large double-double at Tim Hortons.
- It’s good to be king.
- Introduced old-age pensions.
- Prime Minister during WWII. Claims he single-handedly beat Hitler at a game of crokonole, thus ending the war.
(The Lyon King also wore a crown as World Crokonole Champion from 1941 – 1946)
Lester B. Pearson:
- Prime Minister from 1963-1968.
- Won Nobel Peace Prize in 1957 for role in ending the Suez Crises by introducing crokoonole to the Middle East.
- President of 7th session of the United Nation’s General Assembly.
- Brought many programs to Canada, including; universal health care, Canadian pension plan and full nudity strip clubs.
- Approved the current Canadian flag.
- Created world’s first race-free immigration system, leading to the establishment of a UFO landing dock at St. Paul, Alberta.
(Lester Pearson established the first inter-galactic immigration system.)
- 1979-1980 (9 months)
- Joe who?
(Historians remain baffled.)
- 1993 (4 months)
- First woman Prime Minister.
- Last woman Prime Minister.
(Kim Campbell once said that she only served as Prime Minister for four months because she was able to accomplish everything she set out to do in that time. It might be true.)
- Has served as Canadian leader intermittently, according to hard-core religious American conservatives.
- Dresses exclusively in red. Obvious sign of communist leanings.
- Allows gay rights. Plans to introduce inter-species marriages.
- Free medical care is just a scam to bankrupt the country as well as the citizen’s morals.
- Wants to change name of country to Kanuckistan.
(Satan often gets a bad rep, but he has quality leadership capabilities. He’s not afraid to get the job done, by any means necessary.)
Wow. That was some break. I hadn’t meant to take a break over the holidays, but, well, it just happened. And I mean a real break from the internet, with limited logging-on and avoiding the time-consuming computer habits that I usually waste my days with.
It was nice.
It was so nice, in fact, that it has been difficult convincing myself to return to my internet hobbies, including reading blogs and writing for Canadian Fermentation. On the other hand it’s good to be back.
My original plan was to write a post about how much I love my readers and then talk about the impressive absurdist literature I read during my break- including Bulgakov, Christopher Moore and Don Cherry – to show off what an intelligent and condescending creature I am, but instead I want to share with you, Dear Reader, a moment of absurdity that I experienced in REAL life.
Real life? That’s crazy!
I know, but bare with me. In the end it will all make sense.
There I was, Dear Reader, being a good boy and taking care of a list worth of errands, running helter-skelter through the highways and byways of my neighbourhood. Minutes later I was finished. To congratulate myself on a job well done I decided to hit Tim Horons and grab a double-double for my walk home.
At this point I realized that my bladder was about to explode – yeah, I’m a little slow – so the first thing I do is head for the bathroom. I test the handle to see if it’s locked, but it rotates, so I push the door open. I’m about to walk into the room when I notice something like this:
OK, not exactly like that, because it was a man’s ass that I almost face-planted into rather than a cat’s.
There was this guy, bent over with his ass facing directly towards the door wiping away.
I decided that I did not need to use the bathroom that badly. I went to the counter to order my coffee and broke out laughing at the absurdity of the situation. I didn’t stop laughing for the next ten-minutes or so.
Seriously, how often do you get such a welcome when walking into a room? Sure, it was a bathroom, but you still don’t expect The Hairy Ass treatment when entering.
I started to convince myself that this clown was doing this on purpose; the door was unlocked and he was perfrectly positioned . I stopped trying to convince myself that it was on purpose, though, because that train of thought just started to piss me off, rather than make me laugh at the absurdity of the situation.
It’s much funnier to think that some fool was caught in an embarassing position, rather than some pervert getting his jollies out of literally making an ass of himself.
I have to admit, though, that I feel much better now that I’ve shared my experience with you, Dear Reader. I needed to get it off my chest. It was a situation that was too silly to keep unto one’s self.