Posts filed under ‘beer’

The Truth About Curling

The first thing that non-Canadians ask me when they find out that I am from Canada is: “Tell me about the sport of curling because in my country we do not play, but it is a very fascinating sport to us and we must learn all we can about your culture.” This is what they ask unless that person is from one of the following countries that has an official curling association (list from Wikipedia):

Since I played curling for a few months back when I was in high-school, and I’ve watched a couple of games on T.V.,  I figure myself to be something of an expert.  Therefor I will explain all you need to know about this sport.  Once again the amoebas have agreed to assist in the explanation:

Teams are made up of 4 people, making a total of 8 players participating in each game.  Competitors like to get together before a match to have a celebratory drink to the game that is about to take place.

curling1The Canadian Amoeba Curling Club has won the World Amoeba Curling Championship the past three years.

The game begins.  The blue team shoots first this round.  Next round the brown team will shoot first.  Play continues for a total of ten rounds.  With the first shot, Team Blue will try to set up a guard.  A guard is a rock that sits before the house (the coloured circles) but after the Hog Line (black line you see in the image).


The first shot was perfect!  Everyone, including the opposition, celebrates the shot with another drink.

Team Brown has the next shot.  They decide to try and get a rock into the house.  Unfortunately the shooter put too much pepper on the shot, and the stone goes all the way down the sheet and out of play.  The players decide to have a commiseratory beer.

curlingtemplate3Curlers tell non-drinkers to “go play hockey”.  This is considered a major insult in the world of curling.

Play continues with players on opposite teams alternating their shots.  After all the shots are taken (sixteen in total for each end), points are awarded.  Points are scored by having one or more of your team’s rocks closer to the center of the house (circles) than your opponents.  If your team has two rocks closer to the center than any of the other team’s rocks, then your team will score two points.  If neither team has a single rock in the house at the end, neither team receives a point.

curling5In this case the brown team scores two points since they have two rocks closest to the center of the house.  Only one team – or neither team – can score points each end.  Everyone celebrates Brown Team’s points.

Play continues like this over ten ends.  At the end points are tallied and the team with the most points wins.  After the game everyone gets together and has “one for the road”.


Games sometimes end before ten ends are played, due to excessive alcohol poisoning.

And that is pretty much curling in a nutshell.  If you are interested in some actual curling information, I recommend checking out Curling Basics.  It’s a really cool site, with lots of good, and…er…relevant information.

Happy curling!


June 3, 2009 at 3:52 pm 9 comments

Redux: Canadian Beer Experiment

As previously mentioned, in celebration of the upcoming one-year anniversary of Canadian Fermentation I have decided to edit and reintroduce some of my favourite early posts.  This was the fifteenth Canadian Fermentation post.  It helped define the future direction of Canadian Fermentation.

I’ve edited the intro to the experiment, but the body of the text remains the same, since I wrote it while actually conducting the experiment.  Editing the text would invalidate the important scientific findings. I have also added a picture.

Canadian Science

To Canadians, especially stereotypical Canadians, beer is more precious than ambrosia.  We like to think that beer from Canadian companies – whether or not they are owned by Canadian interests – is superior to the beer of other countries,  particularly American beer.  Although this may be true in a general sense – who could argue that Labatt’s product isn’t better than Bud? – these rules are thrown out when we talk about microbrews.

For many Canadians our national identity is tied to our appreciation and production of beer.  This fact led me to the question: Can drinking Canadian beer make a person feel more Canadian?

There was only one way to find out: experimentation.  For purely scientific purposes  I acquired a six-pack of Molson Canadian, and, by drinking it, would discover if I felt more Canadian. Here’s a beer by beer summary of my findings.


(Is there anything more beautiful than a bottle of beer with a picture of a red maple leaf on the label?)

Beer 1: Due to some previous experience with beer, I didn’t expect much after Beer 1. My expectations were met. I’m not a big fan of Molson Canadian in the first place, it’s an OK lager, but I’m not a big fan of lager in the first place. I wasn’t feeling very much more Canadian after my first beer. I wasn’t feeling any less Canadian either, though, so all in all the first beer has to be considered a success.

Beer 2: Beer 2 proved to be just as bland as beer 1. On the other hand I did start to feel…something. A slight thrill? A movement towards joy? A full bladder? All of the above, actually. Beer 2 was a good step, and I felt I was on the path towards feeling something, whether or not it was a feeling of being more Canadian was yet to be determined. On to beer 3.

Beer 3: Beer 3 was pretty kick-ass. Not only was I able to drink another beer, but Frosty the Snowman was also on T.V. That’s what I call ‘win-win’ — the best part was when the policeman swallowed the whistle. Also, in ‘Frosty’ there is a reference to Saskatoon. How cool and particularly relevant is that? After beer 3 did I feel more Canadian? I think so. My head was feeling a little lighter, and I started to care a little less about what people thought about me. No, wait, that sounds like I’m a little less Canadian. Crap. Never mind, let’s see what happens after Beer 4.

Beer 4: Before I realized it Beer 4 was gone. What the hell happened? Where did it go? Well, I know where it went, into my belly. And then my blood stream. But another great surprise was that Team America World Police was on TV, a movie I’ve been wanting to see for awhile. Sweet. So, do I feel more Canadian after drinking 4 Molson Canadians? Maybe slightly. I’m feeling a little more euphoric and quite proud, since Team America makes fun of American bravado and since according to some being Canadian means that you are NOT American. So maybe I should ask myself do I feel less American? Do I? Do I feel lucky, punk? Sure, what the hell.

Beer. 4.5: ‘Malignant narcissicm. hahahah.

Beer 5: The whole experience was great….until I saw the vomiting scene in Team America. Damn. Way to kill my buzz….

Beer 6: My bladder is full and I need to go pee but I’m still watching Team America. How long can I hold it for?? Wait, wait, pull it together. OK OK, let’s get focused and relevant. Does drinking Molson Canadian make me feel more Canadian? After six beers, I’ll have to say no, my bladder is full and that’s all I can think about. So, no. I’m not more Canadian. Unless having a full bladder makes you more Canadian, and I haven’t seen anyone claim that before.


I consider this experiment to be a success. It took considerable toll on my body, but for the sake of science it was worth it. I conclude that drinking Molson Canadian does not make me feel more Canadian, and since this is the most Canadian of beers — sort of since Molson is now  Molson Coors, an American company —  no matter how proud a Canadian is of his or her ability to drink a lot of Canadian beer that it does not make one feel more Canadian.

Here are some recommendations for future research: Imbibing a 12 pack of Molson Canadian. trying different brands of Canadian beer. Try a different form of alcohol, such as Canadian whiskey.

November 8, 2008 at 6:25 pm 3 comments

Canadian Conflict: Amoeba Battle

For the second installment of International Nature Battles, Canadian Fermentation has prepared an amazing contest between a couple of the most fearsome creatures that nature has evolved:  Amoebas.

Today, for your viewing pleasure, we have Canadian Amoeba Vs. Australian Amoeba.

Are you shivering with excitement yet? This match should prove to be a contest of strength, cunning and pseudopods.

Let’s get right to the battle:

Canadian Amoeba is in the red trunks on the left side of your screen, while Australian Amoeba is in the green trunks on the right side of your screen.  That is me in the bottom corner.  I’m the referee and will ensure that this contest is fair.

The action starts fast and furious!  Both warriors form pseudopods and try for a quick knock-out blow, hoping to make this a short contest.

Unfortunately, each champion, being an amoeba, is able to absorb the blow without any damage.  The battle remains even.

Oh no!!  What’s this?  Canadian Amoeba has pulled out a hockey stick.  I check the rule book to see if this is legal.  Unfortunately for Australian Amoeba we forgot to write a rule book before the battle.  Looks like the hockey stick is legal.  Tough break for Australian Amoeba.

Ah Ha!  Australian Amoeba is no slouch when it comes to shenanigans.  It appears that Australian Amoeba has brought a boomerang to the fight.  This should be good.

Wait a minute.  Apparently Swedish Amoeba has intervened in the battle and is calling for peace.  What’s going to happen next?

Uh oh.  Looks like Australian Amoeba and Canadian Amoeba have called a truce.  That’s bad news for Swedish Amoeba.

Yep.  Poor Swedish Amoeba.

Canadian Amoeba and Australian Amoeba decide to extend the truce and celebrate their victory.

Wow!  That totally did not turn out the way I thought it would.  Well done, Warrior Amoebas.  Well done.

October 29, 2008 at 12:07 am 9 comments

Canadian Politics: Fall Election Unavoidable.

All signs point to a fall election in Canada. Prime Minister Stephen Harper is laying down the last bits of propaganda in preparation for a run at a majority government for his Conservatives. Unfortunately, for him, he doesn’t realize that another Canadian political party is also well prepared for an election, and this group of highly-evolved Canadians could surprise everyone with their advanced platform and really cool matching uniforms.

The Cirelleans — mentioned previously in a Canadian Fermentation post detailing some of Canada’s fringe political parties — are ready to govern. Outside of the inner-party circle, little is known about the Cirelleans, but during a recent media event and get-to-know-us session, they confidently laid out their political goals and explained why Canadians should vote for them during the next election.

(The Cirelleans introduced their new campaign poster at the media event. Cirellean leaders describe it as, “Motivating.”)

The Cirelleans distributed a list of their parties initiatives to attending media. Canadian Fermentation was able to acquire a copy, as seen below:

  • The Cirellean Party only runs candidates who are exemplars of Highly-Evolved Canadians. The other political parties are filled with Morons and they must be stopped. We know you believe us.
  • The Cirellean Party will create a utopia in Canada, which will then spread throughout the rest of the world and on into the galaxy. This will be accomplished by the execution of all Morons, leaving only Highly-Evolved citizens to run the show.
  • The Cirellean Party will adjust the federal budget so that it reflects the initiatives of the people. To this end the budget will be set at 90% towards space exploration, 5% towards the subsidization of beer and other spirits, 4% towards supporting the highly-evolved leaders in a lifestyle to which they are accustomed, and 1% towards hacksaws to be used during the Moron Cleansing.
  • The Cirellean Party will build 54 large space transport systems, by which Highly-Evolved Canadian citizens will be forced allowed to travel to the Ultimar 4 star system, where, it is believed, the progenitors of the Highly-Evolved citizens are located. It is the duty of the Cirellean Party to return these individuals back to the Fold of Enlightenment.
  • The Cirellean Party believes that all beer and other spirits should be subsidized by the government making these substances easily accessible to all citizens for a low, low price.
  • Everyones favourite colour will be puce.
  • It is the responsibility of elected Cirellean officials to determine who is a Moron and who is Highly-Evolved by using various tests. Women will be tested first, in the Cirellean’s private chambers, and men will be tested afterwards…in the Cirellean’s private chambers.
  • Everyone who votes for the Cirelleans will be given ten-million dollars.
  • Anyone who votes for the Cirelleans is obviously a Highly-Evolved individual and should pass the testing with no problem.

After the Cirelleans announcement rumours started to surface that Harper was changing his mind about calling an election. I can’t say I blame him. These guys sound good!

Well, at least better than any other party running…


August 20, 2008 at 9:52 pm 7 comments

Canadian Illustrated: Alpha Flight

This past weekend I went through some items I had put in storage in Toronto while I lived in the States. Included in the stash were my old comics. Yay. It is by no means an impressive collection, but it contains many great memories from childhood.

There were three main titles that I collected, all of them distributed by Marvel Comics. First was Iron Man, which makes it strange that I have yet to see the movie which is based on the comic. I’d like to see the movie, but Iron Man just isn’t a priority any more. He’ll have to make do without my support. I’m sure he’ll manage.

Second was Power Man and Iron Fist. This comic gave you two heroes for your money, which made it extra economical. This comic teamed a street-savvy, super-strong black hero with impenetrable skin, and a mystically trained martial arts expert who could channel super-amazing power into his fist and knock people silly. Power Man was one of the first – if not the first – black superhero to receive his own title. Iron Fist joined him later and they became a duo. I loved Iron Fist’s uniform – green and yellow.

The third was a super hero team consisting of Canadian heroes called Alpha Flight. Alpha Flight began their run late in my comic collecting life, and so I only have the first ten issues, plus, for reasons unknown, the 27th issue. Alpha Flight consisted of a diverse array of characters from across Canada who represented the major regions of the country: almost as if someone had planned it that way so that no area was left out and everyone felt included: a very Canadian ideal.

Here’s a list of the team as they appeared in the first edition:

(Back: Sasquatch. Middle from Left to Right: North Star, Snowbird, Shaman, Guardian, Aurora. Front: Puck, Marrina. Picture found on

Guardian: The leader of the team. He wore a red and white suit. He himself didn’t have any superpowers but the suit gave him the ability to fly and shoot cool beams of death at enemies. He was also pretty smart. Eventually he died, and was replaced by his super-skinny wife. Super skinny? I believe that being that skinny must be a super power.

Snowbird: Part god, part human and all babe. The offspring of an Inuit god and a man, Considering that her mother was an Inuit god, Snowbird’s human guise was very blonde and caucasian looking. No matter, she was pretty cool, and one of my favourite characters.

Puck: The diminutive Puck didn’t let his size stop him from kicking ass. Fast and strong, Puck was also smart. Lots of good stuff was packed into this small package.

Sasquatch: What Canadian superhero team would be complete without a Sasquatch? Not Alpha Flight. Sasquatch was a man who could change into a giant, furry, killing machine, when needed. He was kind of like the Hulk, except he could control the beast within, at least at the beginning, and maintained his human consciousness while in beast form.

Aurora and Northstar: These two superheroes were twins that had been separated at birth–mutant twins. They were able to fly at great speed and were able to blind opponents with a burst of intense light when the joined hands. Aurora was a woman, while Northstar used his powers to become a skiing champion and eventually it was discovered that he was gay.

Marina: Born from an alien egg imprinted with human DNA, Marina was an aquatic creature who could fly through the air on a spout of water, if necessary.

Shaman: Doctor by day, shaman by…well, whenever he needed to be Shaman. A native-mystic, Shaman used arcane forces to subdue the enemies of Canada.

Interesting group. Having read a couple of the comics since re-finding my collection, I realize, though, that the group was missing some very important characters. Below I list superheroes who should have been a part of the Alpha Flight team if comic book writers had any sense.

The Moose: The Moose not only looks like a moose, but he is, actually, a moose. The Moose has no special abilities other than the fact that he is a moose, and moose are very large, aggressive animals. The rest of the team don’t really like working with The Moose because, being an animal, The Moose has difficulty distinguishing between friend and enemy. The Moose will often attack anything around him that moves, making life difficult on fellow Alpha Flight members. Unfortunately he is not potty trained.

Silver Blade: The Silver Blade wears hockey equipment and a special pair of skates. The skates are equipped with time-distorting, gravity-ignoring abilities (it’s not sure whether it is through technology or magic that the skates work), and allow The Silver Blade the ability to skate over any surface, including maple syrup. The Silver Blade’s goal as a superhero is to capture fifty criminals in a single season.

The Minister: The Minister is an atypical superhero, as she eschews the typical, sexy female hero suit and chooses to wear business attire and a sensible pair of pumps. The Minister spends most of her time skulking around hallways and culling favour from Canadian citizens, without actually putting much effort into making the nation ‘safe’ or ‘secure’ from evil. She talks a good game, though, and everyone believes that The Minister is at the forefront of the fight against super criminals, even though she hasn’t been personally responsible for the capture of a single one.

Captain Beer Store: Captain Beer Store hails from Ontario. He started out as a Beer Store worker, but through a freak accident when a bolt of lightning charged with radioactive particles from the planet Nucleokill hit a case of Lakeport Ale that Captain Beer Store was carrying which caused his genetic material to mutate into the superhero that he is today. Captain Beer Store sports a gigantic beer-belly, which he uses to subdue evil doers by belly-bumping them into submission. Captain Beer Store also has the ability to out drink anyone, and will often challenge his enemies to a beer drinking competition: he has yet to lose.

Miss Toronto: Miss Toronto wears whatever the latest fashion is, while using her natural “talents” to good effect. What are her natural talents? Haughty self-loathing covered up by an air of aggressive superiority. Miss Toronto hates everyone, but also wants to be seen as a good person, therefor she only engages criminals in battle when there are members of the press or a large number of citizens with camera phones around.

What other superheroes do you think should be a member of Alpha Flight?

June 24, 2008 at 7:15 pm 1 comment

Canadian Music: The Most Dangerous Song in History

(Don’t listen to this song!!! Seriously, you’ll regret it)

This is a follow up to my 10 minute challenge on Canadian Bands. How could I forget Spirit of the West (SOTW)?

SOTW was around during the 80’s and 90’s. In the early 90’s they released the most seditious song ever recorded: Home For A Rest.

What makes this song so dangerous? The combination of music and lyrics makes it impossible not to drink a beer and stomp around your house, or bar, or workplace – wherever you are – while listening to this song, whatever the time of day. It’s 7:00 a.m. right now and I’m already drinking.

This song is pure trouble. I was in University when it came out. That meant a lot of drinking and stomping about, much to the chagrin of neighbours – my own and my friends.

So, don’t listen to it, people. For your own good.

*I know you are probably thinking something like, “Well, retard, why did you link to the video if you don’t want us to listen to the song?’ Good question. The only answer I can give is that, as mentioned above, I’ve already been drinking beer, and so my critical reasoning function is compromised. That’s my excuse.*

*You might also be thinking something like, “Hey, retard, are you really drinking a beer at 7 o’clock in the morning? ” The honest answer is, no, but I’ve been thinking real hard about drinking a beer. Sometimes thinking about things real hard makes it kinda feel like it’s actually happening. Not that there is anything wrong with having a beer in the morning. I’ve done it before. Well, not for a long time, but, yeah, sometimes you wake up and think “Damn, I really want a beer right now,” and so you open your fridge and get one.  It happens, just like feces and American Idol tours.*

May 29, 2008 at 11:44 am 4 comments

Canadian Political: I Voted, Have You?

I’m glad to report that I have voted. It looks good for the Ranger: 156113 for Live, 78936 for Die.

Now, I don’t want to ever hear anyone complain that we at Canadian Fermentation never discuss politics! It’s obvious I’m a concerned citizen, and I take the time to vote. Go Ranger!

May 23, 2008 at 12:29 am 3 comments

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