So, You Want To Know About Canada, Part 1.

Hey…psssssst…come here.  I want to tell you something.

Who, me?

Yeah, you.  I hear you’ve been asking about Canada.

Yeah, I have!

Great!  Well you’ve come to the right place.  I can answer all your questions.

That sounds good.

Not only does it sound good, it will also feel good.

Oh, that’s nice…wait, what exactly do you mean by feel good?

Never mind that.  For now.  The first thing you want to know about Canada is that it’s big.

How big?

Bigger than Australia and Perez Hilton’s ego combined.

Holy crap.

I know!  It’s unbelievably big.

If it’s that big, then the people who live there must be giants.

That’s a reasonable, yet crazy assumption.  People in Canada are normal sized.

Hmmm.  Well, if it’s that big then there must be billions of people living there.

Not at all, my ignorant friend.  Canada actually has one of the lowest population densities of any nation.

No way.

It’s true.  That’s because most of the space in Canada isn’t readily habitable by sane people.

Interesting.

Not even remotely, but here is something that is interesting.  Canada is the world leader in the production of maple syrup.

That’s not interesting either.

If you like pancakes and waffles it’s very interesting.

Fattening breakfast foods are OK.  What else do Canadians eat?

For the answer to that question, you will have to wait for the next edition of So, You Want To Know About Canada.

Crap!   What if I don’t want to wait?

Tough.

The Truth About Curling

The first thing that non-Canadians ask me when they find out that I am from Canada is: “Tell me about the sport of curling because in my country we do not play, but it is a very fascinating sport to us and we must learn all we can about your culture.” This is what they ask unless that person is from one of the following countries that has an official curling association (list from Wikipedia):

• Andorra – Andorra Curling Association
• Australia – Australian Curling Federation
• Austria – Austrian Curling Association
• Belarus – Belarusian Curling Association
• Belgium – Belgium Curling Association
• Brazil – Brazilian Ice Sports Federation
• Bulgaria – Bulgarian Curling Association
• Canada – Canadian Curling Association
• China – Chinese Curling Association
• Croatia – Croatian Curling Association
• Czech Republic – Czech Curling Association
• Denmark – Danish Curling Association
• England – English Curling Association
• Estonia – Estonian Curling Association
• Finland – Finnish Curling Association
• France – French Curling Association
• Germany – German Curling Association
• Greece – Hellenic Curling Association
• Hungary – Hungarian Curling Association
• Iceland – Icelandic Curling Association
• Ireland – Irish Curling Association
• Israel – Israel Curling Association
• Italy – Italian Ice-Sports Federation
• Japan – Japan Curling Association
• Kazakhstan – Kazakhstan Curling Association
• South Korea – Korean Curling Federation
• Latvia – Latvian Curling Association
• Liechtenstein – Liechtenstein Curling Association
• Lithuania – Lithuanian Curling Association
• Luxembourg – Luxembourg Curling Association
• Netherlands – Netherlands Curling Association
• New Zealand – New Zealand Curling Association
• Norway – Norwegian Curling Association
• Poland – Polish Curling Association
• Russia – Russian Curling Federation
• Serbia – National Curling Association of Serbia
• Slovakia – Slovak Curling Association
• Spain – Spanish Ice Sports Federation
• Scotland – Royal Caledonian Curling Club
• Sweden – Swedish Curling Association
• Switzerland – Swiss Curling Association
• Chinese Taipei – Chinese Taipei Curling Federation
• Ukraine – Ukrainian Curling Federation
• United States – United States Curling Association
• United States Virgin Islands – US Virgin Islands Curling Association
• Wales – Welsh Curling Association

Since I played curling for a few months back when I was in high-school, and I’ve watched a couple of games on T.V.,  I figure myself to be something of an expert.  Therefor I will explain all you need to know about this sport.  Once again the amoebas have agreed to assist in the explanation:

Teams are made up of 4 people, making a total of 8 players participating in each game.  Competitors like to get together before a match to have a celebratory drink to the game that is about to take place.

The Canadian Amoeba Curling Club has won the World Amoeba Curling Championship the past three years.

The game begins.  The blue team shoots first this round.  Next round the brown team will shoot first.  Play continues for a total of ten rounds.  With the first shot, Team Blue will try to set up a guard.  A guard is a rock that sits before the house (the coloured circles) but after the Hog Line (black line you see in the image).

The first shot was perfect!  Everyone, including the opposition, celebrates the shot with another drink.

Team Brown has the next shot.  They decide to try and get a rock into the house.  Unfortunately the shooter put too much pepper on the shot, and the stone goes all the way down the sheet and out of play.  The players decide to have a commiseratory beer.

Curlers tell non-drinkers to “go play hockey”.  This is considered a major insult in the world of curling.

Play continues with players on opposite teams alternating their shots.  After all the shots are taken (sixteen in total for each end), points are awarded.  Points are scored by having one or more of your team’s rocks closer to the center of the house (circles) than your opponents.  If your team has two rocks closer to the center than any of the other team’s rocks, then your team will score two points.  If neither team has a single rock in the house at the end, neither team receives a point.

In this case the brown team scores two points since they have two rocks closest to the center of the house.  Only one team – or neither team – can score points each end.  Everyone celebrates Brown Team’s points.

Play continues like this over ten ends.  At the end points are tallied and the team with the most points wins.  After the game everyone gets together and has “one for the road”.

Games sometimes end before ten ends are played, due to excessive alcohol poisoning.

And that is pretty much curling in a nutshell.  If you are interested in some actual curling information, I recommend checking out Curling Basics.  It’s a really cool site, with lots of good, and…er…relevant information.

Happy curling!

Great Canadian Moustaches

Whew.  I’ve just spent an exhaustive five-minutes researching the bounty that is the webernet to bring to you, Dear Reader, a history of Great Canadian Moustaches.

I know!  I’m very excited as well.

Let’s get to it:

Coureur des Bois:

The Coureur des Bois were French fur traders in 17th century North America.  They began to disappear in the early part of the 18th century due to being over trapped for their luxurious moustaches, which brought in great sums of money on the European market.

Sam Steele:

Sam Steele was the most rugged of men, in an era when rugged men were a dime a dozen, which was actually considered expensive back in the late 1800’s.  Steele was one of the original North West Mounted Police, and he could subdue bad guys by a quick moustache upside the head.  Steele is credited with maintaining a high level of peace during the Klondike Gold Rush, mainly due to his no-nonsense attitude, and threat of irritated skin due to moustache rubbing.

Burton Cummings:

As the leader of the Guess Who, Cummings and his moustache took the music industry by storm with the song, American Woman.  Even Americans enjoyed the song, proving that they can take a joke.

Lanny McDonald:

Lanny, you may have won a Cup with the Calgary Flames, but you will always be a Maple Leaf to your Toronto fans.  Calgarians never appreciated your moustache as much as we did  in Toronto.  Oh, the things that must have gotten caught in your moustache!  Immaculate.

Wendel Clark:

Where would Leaf fans of the 80’s and early 90’s have been without Wendel Clark?  Drunk in the gutter, I’m sure.

He could score, he could fight, and his body checks were always the most spectacular.  Wendel’s moustache was just icing on an already delicious and hairy cake.

Alex Trebek:

The King of Trivia used to have a different title:  King of Hairy-lipped Men.  Unfortunately he shaved his moustache in 2001, and now he is only the King of Non-moustached Trivia.

Jack Layton:

The only reason Jack Layton is as popular as he is in Canada is due to his moustache.  It is a well known fact that he made it to the top of the NDP by throwing his moustache shurikin style at his opponents.  Eventually no one wanted to debate him, and thus he was elected leader of his party.  True story.

McTowelie:

*cough*

Canadian Amoeba:

It is universally acknowledged that Canadian Amoeba has the greatest Amoeba-based moustache in the history of Amoeba moustaches.  And, yes, he does wax it.

International Amoeba Battle: Canada Vs. Brazil

Welcome back, sports fans, to International Amoeba Battles.  Today we have an exciting match between the indomitable Canadian Amoeba and the svelte and sexy Brazilian Amoeba.  Today’s match is being staged at the newest Amoeba Battle Arena in the world, located in chilly Yellowknife, capital city of Canada’s Northwest Territories (NWT).

The temperature in Yellowknife today is -274 degrees Kelvin.  Residents of Yellowknife consider this “moderate”.

The new Battle Arena is a spectacular architectural achievement.  The choice of building an open air arena, instead of a dome, has many wondering about the sanity of the architect.  Although the weather can be quite pleasant during the week of summer Yellowknife experiences, the rest of the year is considered uninhabitable by most reasonable people.

On the left is Canadian Amoeba, who had a good showing in a battle against Australian Amoeba, that ended with Canadian and Australian Amoeba teaming up to smite Swedish Amoeba.  What a twist!

On the right is Brazilian Amoeba, in Brazil’s first International Amoeba Battle appearance.  Brazilian Amoeba appears to be wearing a pair of bikini bottoms, borrowed from the Brazilian beach volley ball team.  Very sexy!  Unfortunately bikini bottoms are against Amoeba Battle rules, so Brazilian Amoeba will have to take them off.

For today’s battle, I brought my cat, as he enjoys violence and combat.

Unfortunately, having eaten and imbibed a merry amount over the holidays, all of my luscious muscles have gone to pot.  My cat also had a festive holiday season, and has become even more out of shape than usual.  Have no fear, Amoeba Battle Fans, as my cat and I are  performing intense workouts to get back into shape.

Canadian Amoeba and Brazilian Amoeba start the fight by circling one another.  This is the first time these opponents have met, so it looks like they are going to take a moment to size one another up.

I’m sure by now you have noticed the improved visuals for this International Amoeba Battle.  Canadian Fermentation has upgraded its technological capabilities in order to bring you a visceral experience, Dear Viewer.  No expense has been spared!  We hope you enjoy it.

Canadian Amoeba and Brazilian Amoeba continue to circle one another.  Brazilian Amoeba reaches out and takes a shot at Canadian Amoeba, but the northerner manages to maneuver away from the punch.  Canadian Amoeba appears reluctant to engage the enemy in combat.  This is becoming an embarrassment for the home fans, who are starting to become restless.  There have been a few scattered boos throughout the arena.

Wait a minute! It looks like something is happening.  Brazilian Amoeba is slowing down, and looking rather pale.  What is with all that shivering?

Brazilian Amoeba has stopped moving and is standing still.  Canadian Amoeba moves in for the kill, raising a couple of pseudopods in preparation of the final blow…

Smash!! Wow!! It looks like, due to the extreme cold of Yellowknife, Brazilian Amoeba became an amoebapop thus allowing  Canadian Amoeba to shatter Brazilian Amoeba into tiny shards.  What amazing strategy on the part of Canadian Amoeba!

Now the reason for the open roof stadium makes sense.  The architect is a genius!  Give them a raise.

Well, that was another amazing International Amoeba Battle, wasn’t it?  Very invigorating.  I don’t know about you, Dear Viewer, but I can’t wait until the next International Amoeba Battle.  Stay tuned.

Canadian Prime Ministers

Back to the roots of Canadian Fermentation!  I have recently started some exhaustive research into the history of Canadian Prime Ministers.  This has led to some interesting discoveries!  I’ve included some of the more interesting and strange – as well as some of the more infamous – examples of Canadian Prime Ministers. I hope you enjoy it.

Please feel free to leave a response and share who your favourite Prime Minister is.

Sir John A. McDonald:

• Served two terms; the first Canadian Prime Minister from 1867-1873, and a second stint from 1878 – 1891.
• One of the Fathers Of Confederation.
• Enjoyed drinking.  Heavily.  Often.  Sometimes naked, when he would yell to his enemies, “Bring it, bitches.”
• Born in Scotland, which may explain the drinking.
• Progenitor of the trans-Canada railway.

(Sir John A. McDonald enjoyed sunsets, long walks on the beach and parties.)

Sir John Abbott:

• 3rd Prime Minister of Canada.
• Nobody fucking cares about John Abbott.

(Who is this guy?)

Groucho Marx:

• Little known fact that Marx was Prime Minister in 1933.  Ruled under the name Rufus T. Firefly.
• Changed the name of country from Canada to Freedonia.
• Forced Freedonia into a war with fictional country, Sylvania.  Hilarity ensued.
• Wields a mean Stradivarius.
• Excerpt from cabinet meeting:
  
• Minister of Finance: Here is the Treasury Department’s report, sir. I hope you’ll find it clear.
  Rufus T. Firefly: Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.
  [to Bob Roland]
  Rufus T. Firefly: Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(Mr. Marx had the reputation that he would do anything, or anyone, for power.)

William Lyon Mckenzie King:

• Served as Prime Minister on three different occasions; 1921-1926, 1926-1930, 1935-1948, thus winning the Triple Crown of Canadian politics.  His award was a free extra large double-double at Tim Hortons.
• It’s good to be king.
• Introduced old-age pensions.
• Prime Minister during WWII.  Claims he single-handedly beat Hitler at a game of crokonole, thus ending the war.

(The Lyon King also wore a crown as World Crokonole Champion from 1941 – 1946)

Lester B. Pearson:

• Prime Minister from 1963-1968.
• Won Nobel Peace Prize in 1957 for role in ending the Suez Crises by introducing crokoonole to the Middle East.
• President of 7th session of the United Nation’s General Assembly.
• Brought many programs to Canada, including; universal health care, Canadian pension plan and full nudity strip clubs.
• Approved the current Canadian flag.
• Created world’s first race-free immigration system, leading to the establishment of a UFO landing dock at St. Paul, Alberta.

(Lester Pearson established the first inter-galactic immigration system.)

Joe Clark:

• 1979-1980 (9 months)
• Joe who?

(Historians remain baffled.)

Kim Campbell:

• 1993 (4 months)
• First woman Prime Minister.
• Last woman Prime Minister.

(Kim Campbell once said that she only served as Prime Minister for four months because she was able to accomplish everything she set out to do in that time.  It might be true.)

Satan:

• Has served as Canadian leader intermittently, according to hard-core religious American conservatives.
• Dresses exclusively in red.  Obvious sign of communist leanings.
• Allows gay rights.  Plans to introduce inter-species marriages.
• Free medical care is just a scam to bankrupt the country as well as the citizen’s morals.
• Wants to change name of country to Kanuckistan.

(Satan often gets a bad rep, but he has quality leadership capabilities.  He’s not afraid to get the job done, by any means necessary.)