Posts filed under ‘canadian’

So, You Want To Know About Canada, Part 1.

Hey…psssssst…come here.  I want to tell you something.

Who, me?

Yeah, you.  I hear you’ve been asking about Canada.

Yeah, I have!

Great!  Well you’ve come to the right place.  I can answer all your questions.

That sounds good.

Not only does it sound good, it will also feel good.

Oh, that’s nice…wait, what exactly do you mean by feel good?

Never mind that.  For now.  The first thing you want to know about Canada is that it’s big.

How big?

Bigger than Australia and Perez Hilton’s ego combined.

Holy crap.

I know!  It’s unbelievably big.

If it’s that big, then the people who live there must be giants.

That’s a reasonable, yet crazy assumption.  People in Canada are normal sized.

Hmmm.  Well, if it’s that big then there must be billions of people living there.

Not at all, my ignorant friend.  Canada actually has one of the lowest population densities of any nation.

No way.

It’s true.  That’s because most of the space in Canada isn’t readily habitable by sane people.

Interesting.

Not even remotely, but here is something that is interesting.  Canada is the world leader in the production of maple syrup.

That’s not interesting either.

If you like pancakes and waffles it’s very interesting.

Fattening breakfast foods are OK.  What else do Canadians eat?

For the answer to that question, you will have to wait for the next edition of So, You Want To Know About Canada.

Crap!   What if I don’t want to wait?

Tough.

September 22, 2009 at 11:50 pm 11 comments

The Truth About Curling

The first thing that non-Canadians ask me when they find out that I am from Canada is: “Tell me about the sport of curling because in my country we do not play, but it is a very fascinating sport to us and we must learn all we can about your culture.” This is what they ask unless that person is from one of the following countries that has an official curling association (list from Wikipedia):

Since I played curling for a few months back when I was in high-school, and I’ve watched a couple of games on T.V.,  I figure myself to be something of an expert.  Therefor I will explain all you need to know about this sport.  Once again the amoebas have agreed to assist in the explanation:

Teams are made up of 4 people, making a total of 8 players participating in each game.  Competitors like to get together before a match to have a celebratory drink to the game that is about to take place.

curling1The Canadian Amoeba Curling Club has won the World Amoeba Curling Championship the past three years.

The game begins.  The blue team shoots first this round.  Next round the brown team will shoot first.  Play continues for a total of ten rounds.  With the first shot, Team Blue will try to set up a guard.  A guard is a rock that sits before the house (the coloured circles) but after the Hog Line (black line you see in the image).

curlingfirstend24

The first shot was perfect!  Everyone, including the opposition, celebrates the shot with another drink.

Team Brown has the next shot.  They decide to try and get a rock into the house.  Unfortunately the shooter put too much pepper on the shot, and the stone goes all the way down the sheet and out of play.  The players decide to have a commiseratory beer.

curlingtemplate3Curlers tell non-drinkers to “go play hockey”.  This is considered a major insult in the world of curling.

Play continues with players on opposite teams alternating their shots.  After all the shots are taken (sixteen in total for each end), points are awarded.  Points are scored by having one or more of your team’s rocks closer to the center of the house (circles) than your opponents.  If your team has two rocks closer to the center than any of the other team’s rocks, then your team will score two points.  If neither team has a single rock in the house at the end, neither team receives a point.

curling5In this case the brown team scores two points since they have two rocks closest to the center of the house.  Only one team – or neither team – can score points each end.  Everyone celebrates Brown Team’s points.

Play continues like this over ten ends.  At the end points are tallied and the team with the most points wins.  After the game everyone gets together and has “one for the road”.

curlingfirstend2

Games sometimes end before ten ends are played, due to excessive alcohol poisoning.

And that is pretty much curling in a nutshell.  If you are interested in some actual curling information, I recommend checking out Curling Basics.  It’s a really cool site, with lots of good, and…er…relevant information.

Happy curling!

June 3, 2009 at 3:52 pm 9 comments

Great Canadian Moustaches

Whew.  I’ve just spent an exhaustive five-minutes researching the bounty that is the webernet to bring to you, Dear Reader, a history of Great Canadian Moustaches.

I know!  I’m very excited as well.

Let’s get to it:

Coureur des Bois:

courierddubois

The Coureur des Bois were French fur traders in 17th century North America.  They began to disappear in the early part of the 18th century due to being over trapped for their luxurious moustaches, which brought in great sums of money on the European market.

Sam Steele:

samsteelSam Steele was the most rugged of men, in an era when rugged men were a dime a dozen, which was actually considered expensive back in the late 1800’s.  Steele was one of the original North West Mounted Police, and he could subdue bad guys by a quick moustache upside the head.  Steele is credited with maintaining a high level of peace during the Klondike Gold Rush, mainly due to his no-nonsense attitude, and threat of irritated skin due to moustache rubbing.

Burton Cummings:

burtoncummings

As the leader of the Guess Who, Cummings and his moustache took the music industry by storm with the song, American Woman.  Even Americans enjoyed the song, proving that they can take a joke.

Lanny McDonald:

lannymcdonaldLanny, you may have won a Cup with the Calgary Flames, but you will always be a Maple Leaf to your Toronto fans.  Calgarians never appreciated your moustache as much as we did  in Toronto.  Oh, the things that must have gotten caught in your moustache!  Immaculate.

Wendel Clark:

wendelclarkmoustache

Where would Leaf fans of the 80’s and early 90’s have been without Wendel Clark?  Drunk in the gutter, I’m sure.

He could score, he could fight, and his body checks were always the most spectacular.  Wendel’s moustache was just icing on an already delicious and hairy cake.

Alex Trebek:

alextrebekThe King of Trivia used to have a different title:  King of Hairy-lipped Men.  Unfortunately he shaved his moustache in 2001, and now he is only the King of Non-moustached Trivia.

Jack Layton:

jack_laytonThe only reason Jack Layton is as popular as he is in Canada is due to his moustache.  It is a well known fact that he made it to the top of the NDP by throwing his moustache shurikin style at his opponents.  Eventually no one wanted to debate him, and thus he was elected leader of his party.  True story.

McTowelie:

mctowelie*cough*

Canadian Amoeba:

canadianamoebaIt is universally acknowledged that Canadian Amoeba has the greatest Amoeba-based moustache in the history of Amoeba moustaches.  And, yes, he does wax it.

February 21, 2009 at 3:16 pm 11 comments

International Amoeba Battle: Canada Vs. Brazil

Welcome back, sports fans, to International Amoeba Battles.  Today we have an exciting match between the indomitable Canadian Amoeba and the svelte and sexy Brazilian Amoeba.  Today’s match is being staged at the newest Amoeba Battle Arena in the world, located in chilly Yellowknife, capital city of Canada’s Northwest Territories (NWT).

The temperature in Yellowknife today is -274 degrees Kelvin.  Residents of Yellowknife consider this “moderate”.

amoebaarena

The new Battle Arena is a spectacular architectural achievement.  The choice of building an open air arena, instead of a dome, has many wondering about the sanity of the architect.  Although the weather can be quite pleasant during the week of summer Yellowknife experiences, the rest of the year is considered uninhabitable by most reasonable people.

canbraintro2

On the left is Canadian Amoeba, who had a good showing in a battle against Australian Amoeba, that ended with Canadian and Australian Amoeba teaming up to smite Swedish Amoeba.  What a twist!

On the right is Brazilian Amoeba, in Brazil’s first International Amoeba Battle appearance.  Brazilian Amoeba appears to be wearing a pair of bikini bottoms, borrowed from the Brazilian beach volley ball team.  Very sexy!  Unfortunately bikini bottoms are against Amoeba Battle rules, so Brazilian Amoeba will have to take them off.

For today’s battle, I brought my cat, as he enjoys violence and combat.

Unfortunately, having eaten and imbibed a merry amount over the holidays, all of my luscious muscles have gone to pot.  My cat also had a festive holiday season, and has become even more out of shape than usual.  Have no fear, Amoeba Battle Fans, as my cat and I are  performing intense workouts to get back into shape.

bracan2Canadian Amoeba and Brazilian Amoeba start the fight by circling one another.  This is the first time these opponents have met, so it looks like they are going to take a moment to size one another up.

I’m sure by now you have noticed the improved visuals for this International Amoeba BattleCanadian Fermentation has upgraded its technological capabilities in order to bring you a visceral experience, Dear Viewer.  No expense has been spared!  We hope you enjoy it.

canbra3Canadian Amoeba and Brazilian Amoeba continue to circle one another.  Brazilian Amoeba reaches out and takes a shot at Canadian Amoeba, but the northerner manages to maneuver away from the punch.  Canadian Amoeba appears reluctant to engage the enemy in combat.  This is becoming an embarrassment for the home fans, who are starting to become restless.  There have been a few scattered boos throughout the arena.

canbra41

Wait a minute! It looks like something is happening.  Brazilian Amoeba is slowing down, and looking rather pale.  What is with all that shivering?

canbra5Brazilian Amoeba has stopped moving and is standing still.  Canadian Amoeba moves in for the kill, raising a couple of pseudopods in preparation of the final blow…

canbra6Smash!! Wow!! It looks like, due to the extreme cold of Yellowknife, Brazilian Amoeba became an amoebapop thus allowing  Canadian Amoeba to shatter Brazilian Amoeba into tiny shards.  What amazing strategy on the part of Canadian Amoeba!

Now the reason for the open roof stadium makes sense.  The architect is a genius!  Give them a raise.

Well, that was another amazing International Amoeba Battle, wasn’t it?  Very invigorating.  I don’t know about you, Dear Viewer, but I can’t wait until the next International Amoeba Battle.  Stay tuned.

January 19, 2009 at 9:58 pm 10 comments

Canadian Prime Ministers

Back to the roots of Canadian Fermentation!  I have recently started some exhaustive research into the history of Canadian Prime Ministers.  This has led to some interesting discoveries!  I’ve included some of the more interesting and strange – as well as some of the more infamous – examples of Canadian Prime Ministers. I hope you enjoy it.

Please feel free to leave a response and share who your favourite Prime Minister is.

Sir John A. McDonald:

  • Served two terms; the first Canadian Prime Minister from 1867-1873, and a second stint from 1878 – 1891.
  • One of the Fathers Of Confederation.
  • Enjoyed drinking.  Heavily.  Often.  Sometimes naked, when he would yell to his enemies, “Bring it, bitches.”
  • Born in Scotland, which may explain the drinking.
  • Progenitor of the trans-Canada railway.

sirjohnamcdonald

(Sir John A. McDonald enjoyed sunsets, long walks on the beach and parties.)

Sir John Abbott:

  • 3rd Prime Minister of Canada.
  • Nobody fucking cares about John Abbott.

sirjohnabbott1(Who is this guy?)

Groucho Marx:

  • Little known fact that Marx was Prime Minister in 1933.  Ruled under the name Rufus T. Firefly.
  • Changed the name of country from Canada to Freedonia.
  • Forced Freedonia into a war with fictional country, Sylvania.  Hilarity ensued.
  • Wields a mean Stradivarius.
  • Excerpt from cabinet meeting:
  • Minister of Finance: Here is the Treasury Department’s report, sir. I hope you’ll find it clear.
    Rufus T. Firefly: Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.
    [to Bob Roland]
    Rufus T. Firefly: Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

grouchomarx(Mr. Marx had the reputation that he would do anything, or anyone, for power.)

William Lyon Mckenzie King:

  • Served as Prime Minister on three different occasions; 1921-1926, 1926-1930, 1935-1948, thus winning the Triple Crown of Canadian politics.  His award was a free extra large double-double at Tim Hortons.
  • It’s good to be king.
  • Introduced old-age pensions.
  • Prime Minister during WWII.  Claims he single-handedly beat Hitler at a game of crokonole, thus ending the war.

williamlyonmckenziekink(The Lyon King also wore a crown as World Crokonole Champion from 1941 – 1946)

Lester B. Pearson:

  • Prime Minister from 1963-1968.
  • Won Nobel Peace Prize in 1957 for role in ending the Suez Crises by introducing crokoonole to the Middle East.
  • President of 7th session of the United Nation’s General Assembly.
  • Brought many programs to Canada, including; universal health care, Canadian pension plan and full nudity strip clubs.
  • Approved the current Canadian flag.
  • Created world’s first race-free immigration system, leading to the establishment of a UFO landing dock at St. Paul, Alberta.

lesterbpearson(Lester Pearson established the first inter-galactic immigration system.)

Joe Clark:

  • 1979-1980 (9 months)
  • Joe who?

outline_person(Historians remain baffled.)

Kim Campbell:

  • 1993 (4 months)
  • First woman Prime Minister.
  • Last woman Prime Minister.

kimcampbell(Kim Campbell once said that she only served as Prime Minister for four months because she was able to accomplish everything she set out to do in that time.  It might be true.)

Satan:

  • Has served as Canadian leader intermittently, according to hard-core religious American conservatives.
  • Dresses exclusively in red.  Obvious sign of communist leanings.
  • Allows gay rights.  Plans to introduce inter-species marriages.
  • Free medical care is just a scam to bankrupt the country as well as the citizen’s morals.
  • Wants to change name of country to Kanuckistan.

satan(Satan often gets a bad rep, but he has quality leadership capabilities.  He’s not afraid to get the job done, by any means necessary.)

January 14, 2009 at 4:40 pm 8 comments

Absurdity In Reality

Wow.  That was some break.  I hadn’t meant to take a break over the holidays, but, well, it just happened.  And I mean a real break from the internet, with limited logging-on and avoiding the time-consuming computer habits that I usually waste my days with.

It was nice.

It was so nice, in fact, that it has been difficult convincing myself to return to my internet hobbies, including reading blogs and writing for Canadian Fermentation.  On the other hand it’s good to be back.

My original plan was to write a post about how much I love my readers and then talk about the impressive absurdist literature I read during my break- including Bulgakov, Christopher Moore and Don Cherry – to show off what an intelligent and condescending creature I am, but instead I want to share with you, Dear Reader, a moment of absurdity that I experienced in REAL life.

Real life?  That’s crazy!

I know, but bare with me.  In the end it will all make sense.

There I was, Dear Reader, being a good boy and taking care of a list worth of errands, running helter-skelter through the highways and byways of my neighbourhood.  Minutes later I was finished.  To congratulate myself on a job well done I decided to hit Tim Horons and grab a double-double for my walk home.

At this point I realized that my bladder was about to explode – yeah, I’m a little slow – so the first thing I do is head for the bathroom.  I test the handle to see if it’s locked, but it rotates, so I push the door open.  I’m about to walk into the room when I notice something like this:

catsass

OK, not exactly like that, because it was a man’s ass that I almost face-planted into rather than a cat’s.

Yeah.

There was this guy, bent over with his ass facing directly towards the door wiping away.

W.

T.

F.

I decided that I did not need to use the bathroom that badly.  I went to the counter to order my coffee and broke out laughing at the absurdity of the situation.  I didn’t  stop laughing for the next ten-minutes or so.

Seriously, how often do you get such a welcome when walking into a room?  Sure, it was a bathroom, but you still don’t expect The Hairy Ass treatment when entering.

I started to convince myself that this clown was doing this on purpose; the door was unlocked and he was perfrectly positioned .  I stopped trying to convince myself that it was on purpose, though, because that train of thought just started to piss me off, rather than make me laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

It’s much funnier to think that some fool was caught in an embarassing position, rather than some pervert getting his jollies out of literally making an ass of himself.

I have to admit, though, that I feel much better now that I’ve shared my experience with you, Dear Reader.  I needed to get it off my chest.  It was a situation that was too silly to keep unto one’s self.

Enjoy!

January 9, 2009 at 12:29 am 5 comments

Redux: An Apple A Day…

Time for another Post From The Depths Of Oblivion, also known as Previously Published Posts From Canadian Fermentation.

I have to admit that I really like this post.  Don’t you find apples inherently hilarious?

This Post of Awesomeness, as I like to call it, developed in a totally different way than most entries.  Usually a core idea starts to buzz around my brain, prompting me to write something generally related to the idea.

In this case, though, it was a phrase.  Specifically it was the phrase, “An apple a day keeps the prostitutes away,” that started the ball rolling.  For the life of me I can’t remember how I came up with that phrase, I think I was eating an apple at the time, but I found it quite hilarious and determined that a Canadian Fermentation post must be created with that phrase as the center piece.

Somehow.

At first I considered writing something about prostitutes, because, lets face it, they have a much greater inherent comedic value than apples, but, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, I really dislike making posts about hookersHate itSeriously.

That left me with only one choice: to create a post about apples.   Not knowing anything about apples, I visited the Ontario Apple Growers Website and noticed that many apples have interesting names.  After that the post pretty much wrote itself.

Here it is in all its glory, An Introduction To Ontario’s Apples, with some minor edits.

——————————————————————————

You may be familiar with the saying, “An apple a day keeps the prostitutes away.” This is a good saying. Prostitutes are often carriers of disease, and if you happen to catch a disease from a prostitute you might end up going to a doctor to get some medicine.

I guess the saying could go, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away because it stops you getting syphilis from a prostitute” but it just isn’t as concise as the original and belabors the point.

Ontario is apple country. Because of this you might think that there are no hookers in Ontario, but in actual fact many women here are involved in this industry. I guess you can’t really trust folksy sayings for accuracy all the time.

You might want to eat an apple while you read this post because then it will feel like you are actually living inside of the internet.

Unless otherwise stated, all apple pictures are from the Ontario Apple Growers website.

Northern Spy: Available from October to May, this apple is a favorite for use in pies containing apple. Although the name conjures up images of stealth and sabotage, the Northern Spy is actually quite peaceful and non-partisan. In fact, during the infamous Apple Wars of the 1930’s, the Northern Spy maintained its neutrality and did not become involved in assisting either side in the conflict.

Empire: This ominous sounding apple is available from October through July. It has been known to be ‘slightly tart’ and ‘juicy’ at times, but for the most part is pretty amiable. You don’t find Empires around much any more, as they have become unacceptable. American politicians still seem to enjoy them, though, although they call them by a different name.

McIntosh: The McIntosh was first coded in the 1800’s to be the perfect apple. Unfortunately computers didn’t exist in the 1800’s so all that code went to waste. Luckily scientists found an alternate use for the McIntosh when they discovered that it was edible. Since then the McIntosh has been a favorite sauce and pie apple.

(photo from Webster’s Online Dictionary)

Road Apples: You might think that Road Apples look disgusting. This is because they are disgusting.  I don’t recommend baking Road Apples in a pie, or turning them into sauce. You probably shouldn’t step on them either, because then people will start complaining that they smell Road Apples and whine about how disgusting it is.  In fact, you should probably avoid road apples altogether.  It is for the best.

Spartan: Spartans are best when kept away from the opulence of the modern kitchen. The flagrant extravagance of today’s kitchens can upset the Spartans and cause them to declare war on you. They will then set up a defensive position in the narrowest part of your house. Once this happens it is almost impossible to dislodge them.

December 16, 2008 at 12:15 am 2 comments

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