What America Really Thinks About Canada.

I recommend reading this piece that appeared in the Toronto Star today.  It’s by Eric Weiner, an American, who writes about U.S opinion of Canada with regards to Obama’s upcoming visit, and brings the funny.  You can read the entire essay here – it’s a short, easy read.

He starts off by telling us why American takes no interest:

“It’s not personal, really. It’s geopolitical. You’re just too … nice. Nice doesn’t get our attention. Threatening gets our attention, and you, Canada, are anything but threatening, except on the hockey rink, of course, but we don’t take hockey all that seriously.”

But eventually he reveals the truth.  America is jealous.  They realize our superiority in being Canadian, but can’t bring themselves to appreciate it, being so tightly wrapped in their own essence.

“The truth is we envy you, though of course we never admit that to anyone, not even ourselves. We envy your health-care system. We envy your prudent, sober banks. We envy your restraint on the international stage. We envy your very happiness. We envy everything about you. Except your weather, of course. Nobody envies that.”
How can we blame Americans for being jealous?  Well, Americans, you can come and visit us anytime you like.  Bring lots of money.

(When will the jealousy end?)

Redux: Canadian Beer Experiment

As previously mentioned, in celebration of the upcoming one-year anniversary of Canadian Fermentation I have decided to edit and reintroduce some of my favourite early posts.  This was the fifteenth Canadian Fermentation post.  It helped define the future direction of Canadian Fermentation.

I’ve edited the intro to the experiment, but the body of the text remains the same, since I wrote it while actually conducting the experiment.  Editing the text would invalidate the important scientific findings. I have also added a picture.

Canadian Science

To Canadians, especially stereotypical Canadians, beer is more precious than ambrosia.  We like to think that beer from Canadian companies – whether or not they are owned by Canadian interests – is superior to the beer of other countries,  particularly American beer.  Although this may be true in a general sense – who could argue that Labatt’s product isn’t better than Bud? – these rules are thrown out when we talk about microbrews.

For many Canadians our national identity is tied to our appreciation and production of beer.  This fact led me to the question: Can drinking Canadian beer make a person feel more Canadian?

There was only one way to find out: experimentation.  For purely scientific purposes  I acquired a six-pack of Molson Canadian, and, by drinking it, would discover if I felt more Canadian. Here’s a beer by beer summary of my findings.

(Is there anything more beautiful than a bottle of beer with a picture of a red maple leaf on the label?)

Beer 1: Due to some previous experience with beer, I didn’t expect much after Beer 1. My expectations were met. I’m not a big fan of Molson Canadian in the first place, it’s an OK lager, but I’m not a big fan of lager in the first place. I wasn’t feeling very much more Canadian after my first beer. I wasn’t feeling any less Canadian either, though, so all in all the first beer has to be considered a success.

Beer 2: Beer 2 proved to be just as bland as beer 1. On the other hand I did start to feel…something. A slight thrill? A movement towards joy? A full bladder? All of the above, actually. Beer 2 was a good step, and I felt I was on the path towards feeling something, whether or not it was a feeling of being more Canadian was yet to be determined. On to beer 3.

Beer 3: Beer 3 was pretty kick-ass. Not only was I able to drink another beer, but Frosty the Snowman was also on T.V. That’s what I call ‘win-win’ — the best part was when the policeman swallowed the whistle. Also, in ‘Frosty’ there is a reference to Saskatoon. How cool and particularly relevant is that? After beer 3 did I feel more Canadian? I think so. My head was feeling a little lighter, and I started to care a little less about what people thought about me. No, wait, that sounds like I’m a little less Canadian. Crap. Never mind, let’s see what happens after Beer 4.

Beer 4: Before I realized it Beer 4 was gone. What the hell happened? Where did it go? Well, I know where it went, into my belly. And then my blood stream. But another great surprise was that Team America World Police was on TV, a movie I’ve been wanting to see for awhile. Sweet. So, do I feel more Canadian after drinking 4 Molson Canadians? Maybe slightly. I’m feeling a little more euphoric and quite proud, since Team America makes fun of American bravado and since according to some being Canadian means that you are NOT American. So maybe I should ask myself do I feel less American? Do I? Do I feel lucky, punk? Sure, what the hell.

Beer. 4.5: ‘Malignant narcissicm. hahahah.

Beer 5: The whole experience was great….until I saw the vomiting scene in Team America. Damn. Way to kill my buzz….

Beer 6: My bladder is full and I need to go pee but I’m still watching Team America. How long can I hold it for?? Wait, wait, pull it together. OK OK, let’s get focused and relevant. Does drinking Molson Canadian make me feel more Canadian? After six beers, I’ll have to say no, my bladder is full and that’s all I can think about. So, no. I’m not more Canadian. Unless having a full bladder makes you more Canadian, and I haven’t seen anyone claim that before.

Conclusions

I consider this experiment to be a success. It took considerable toll on my body, but for the sake of science it was worth it. I conclude that drinking Molson Canadian does not make me feel more Canadian, and since this is the most Canadian of beers — sort of since Molson is now  Molson Coors, an American company —  no matter how proud a Canadian is of his or her ability to drink a lot of Canadian beer that it does not make one feel more Canadian.

Here are some recommendations for future research: Imbibing a 12 pack of Molson Canadian. trying different brands of Canadian beer. Try a different form of alcohol, such as Canadian whiskey.

Canadian Support: Vote Ahmnodt Heare.

Canadian Fermentation would like to officially announce our endorsement of Ahmnodt Heare for President of the United States of America.

Ahmnodt is a true American patriot and has run a fiscally sound campaign (total expense: $0.30).  It is a crime that he has not received more media attention.  I can only blame it on some kind of conspiracy.  Or possibly aliens.

Canadian Curiosity: Who Won America’s Last Debate?

So, I’m logging into my wordpress account to see what’s a-happening over her at Canadian Fermentation (nothing was happening, in case you were wondering), on on the way here I noticed that the front page had a linke to a blog entry that said something like, “Who Won the Debate?  You Decide.”

I clicked on it, because I like a good laugh.  Usually it’s a bunch of partisan idiots spewing their vitriol about the opposition’s candidate.  There were something like twenty-thousand responses – very imperssive – so I decided that I wasn’t going to read them all.  I started reading from the top, and the first poster was somone slagging on Obama.

The second post, another anti-Obama diatribe.

The third post, against Obama.

Fourth…yep, again someone very angry at Obama.

What was happening?  I read through, maybe, the first twenty posts, and all of them were anti-Obama.  That’s when I scrolled back to the top of the page and discovered that it was the Fox News sight.

Whew.  I thought I was going crazy there for a moment.  Obama has opened up a huge lead, so I was wondering why there was all this anger towards him.  Good ‘ole Fox!  Fox never lets us down.

Canadian Elections: Canada Vs. America

Tonight – October 2, 2008 – is an historical night without compare.  Well, I really don’t know if it is “without compare” as I just wrote.  Mainly I thought that sounded quite good and really dramatic.  This night may, indeed, have compare, but that would require research and looking things up.  We all know that’s not going to happen.  So, unless you can prove me wrong, tonight is, indeed, an historical night without compare.

You see, in a brilliant move Elections Canada has decided to schedule the first english-speaking debate for major party leaders tonight at the same time that the Vice-presidential debate is taking place south of the border.  This brings up the question that, as a Canadian, which debate should I watch?

It’s a tough choice, Dear Reader, and the answer can only be found by some serious soul searching.  That or by placing two T.V’s side by side.

In an absolutely historically brilliant move beyond compare I have decided to take a look at the two debates and break them down for you, Dear Reader, in hopes that I may give you some assistance in your choice of which debate to watch.

Canadian Debate Facts:  Tonight the leaders of Canada’s five main political parties will be debating in English.  Last night the french-language debate took place, but nobody cared.  Well, except maybe for some people in Quebec.  But they’re not really people anyway, right?   Common, who’s with me on this?  See, I don’t get any readers from Quebec anyway, so why should I care about slagging them off?  Damn Frenchies.

Na, I’m just kidding.  I love the Quebecois.

Tonight’s debate will tackle all of the serious issues;

• What verbal gaffes will Stephane Dion make and for how many days will it get play in the media?
• How did Elizabeth May manage to squeek into the boy’s club, and will she reveal that her penis is bigger than any of the other leaders’?
• At what point in the debate will  Jack Layton rip off his moustache and throw it like a ninja-star at Steven Harper?
• Will it be revealed that  Steven Harper is actually a stick dressed up in a suit…or was that a suit worn by a stick…no, that’s right, the question is will he reveal how big the stick up his ass actually is?
• And then there’s the french guy that no one outside of Quebec cares about, which is OK, because he doesn’t care about anyone who lives outside of Quebec, so the feeling is mutual.

(NDP leader, Jack Layton, is best known for his legendary ninja skills.)

U.S. Debate Facts:  This one is the only debate between the presidential running mates, Joe Biden for the Democrats, and Sarah Pallin for the Rupublicans.  Usually no one cares much about the VP debate, but this year is different because everyone, including Canadians, want to see if, and how badly, Palin will screw up.  Has everyone bought their Pallin To English dictionaries yet?  After a brilliant start the fancy wrappings in which McCains choice for running mate was wrapped have been discovered to be lead-based paper from China.  Biden has suffered from his own gaffes but, let’s face it, they pale in comparison to the dithered golemn that parades around giving hockey moms everywhere a bad name.

(Sarah Palin may be smiling in this picture, but tonight she actually has to speak…and answer questions…and pretend she’s human.)

Tonight’s VP debate is less about the subject, and more about Reality TV come full circle.  The main question to be answered: Can Sarah Palin rebound and represent herself as a credible Vice Presidential candidate.  If she flubs as baddly as she has the past week or so, I say game over.  Call the election now, because how can anyone with a conscience vote for an ancient Presidential candidate with a moronic running mate.  On the other hand if Bidne comes out hard and gives her a couple of back-hands, and Pallin stands up tall and shows the world why she was elected governor of Alaska, then It’s On!!

There you have it, Dear Reader.  I hope that helps.  As for me, I’m still undecided.  I want to watch the Canadian debate because as an undecided voter (except, of course, for the fact that I will be voting Cirellean, as you should too), I want to embrace the chance to get to know the leaders a little more and to witness what they have to say.  On the other hand, the U.S. debate is likely to be vastly more entertaining.

Good luck, readers.  Choose wisely.

And, of course, head on over to Humor-blogs.com to vote for this article.  Just click on a smiley face and make the world a happier place.