So, You Want To Know About Canada, Part 1.

Hey…psssssst…come here.  I want to tell you something.

Who, me?

Yeah, you.  I hear you’ve been asking about Canada.

Yeah, I have!

Great!  Well you’ve come to the right place.  I can answer all your questions.

That sounds good.

Not only does it sound good, it will also feel good.

Oh, that’s nice…wait, what exactly do you mean by feel good?

Never mind that.  For now.  The first thing you want to know about Canada is that it’s big.

How big?

Bigger than Australia and Perez Hilton’s ego combined.

Holy crap.

I know!  It’s unbelievably big.

If it’s that big, then the people who live there must be giants.

That’s a reasonable, yet crazy assumption.  People in Canada are normal sized.

Hmmm.  Well, if it’s that big then there must be billions of people living there.

Not at all, my ignorant friend.  Canada actually has one of the lowest population densities of any nation.

No way.

It’s true.  That’s because most of the space in Canada isn’t readily habitable by sane people.

Interesting.

Not even remotely, but here is something that is interesting.  Canada is the world leader in the production of maple syrup.

That’s not interesting either.

If you like pancakes and waffles it’s very interesting.

Fattening breakfast foods are OK.  What else do Canadians eat?

For the answer to that question, you will have to wait for the next edition of So, You Want To Know About Canada.

Crap!   What if I don’t want to wait?

Tough.

The Truth About Curling

The first thing that non-Canadians ask me when they find out that I am from Canada is: “Tell me about the sport of curling because in my country we do not play, but it is a very fascinating sport to us and we must learn all we can about your culture.” This is what they ask unless that person is from one of the following countries that has an official curling association (list from Wikipedia):

• Andorra – Andorra Curling Association
• Australia – Australian Curling Federation
• Austria – Austrian Curling Association
• Belarus – Belarusian Curling Association
• Belgium – Belgium Curling Association
• Brazil – Brazilian Ice Sports Federation
• Bulgaria – Bulgarian Curling Association
• Canada – Canadian Curling Association
• China – Chinese Curling Association
• Croatia – Croatian Curling Association
• Czech Republic – Czech Curling Association
• Denmark – Danish Curling Association
• England – English Curling Association
• Estonia – Estonian Curling Association
• Finland – Finnish Curling Association
• France – French Curling Association
• Germany – German Curling Association
• Greece – Hellenic Curling Association
• Hungary – Hungarian Curling Association
• Iceland – Icelandic Curling Association
• Ireland – Irish Curling Association
• Israel – Israel Curling Association
• Italy – Italian Ice-Sports Federation
• Japan – Japan Curling Association
• Kazakhstan – Kazakhstan Curling Association
• South Korea – Korean Curling Federation
• Latvia – Latvian Curling Association
• Liechtenstein – Liechtenstein Curling Association
• Lithuania – Lithuanian Curling Association
• Luxembourg – Luxembourg Curling Association
• Netherlands – Netherlands Curling Association
• New Zealand – New Zealand Curling Association
• Norway – Norwegian Curling Association
• Poland – Polish Curling Association
• Russia – Russian Curling Federation
• Serbia – National Curling Association of Serbia
• Slovakia – Slovak Curling Association
• Spain – Spanish Ice Sports Federation
• Scotland – Royal Caledonian Curling Club
• Sweden – Swedish Curling Association
• Switzerland – Swiss Curling Association
• Chinese Taipei – Chinese Taipei Curling Federation
• Ukraine – Ukrainian Curling Federation
• United States – United States Curling Association
• United States Virgin Islands – US Virgin Islands Curling Association
• Wales – Welsh Curling Association

Since I played curling for a few months back when I was in high-school, and I’ve watched a couple of games on T.V.,  I figure myself to be something of an expert.  Therefor I will explain all you need to know about this sport.  Once again the amoebas have agreed to assist in the explanation:

Teams are made up of 4 people, making a total of 8 players participating in each game.  Competitors like to get together before a match to have a celebratory drink to the game that is about to take place.

The Canadian Amoeba Curling Club has won the World Amoeba Curling Championship the past three years.

The game begins.  The blue team shoots first this round.  Next round the brown team will shoot first.  Play continues for a total of ten rounds.  With the first shot, Team Blue will try to set up a guard.  A guard is a rock that sits before the house (the coloured circles) but after the Hog Line (black line you see in the image).

The first shot was perfect!  Everyone, including the opposition, celebrates the shot with another drink.

Team Brown has the next shot.  They decide to try and get a rock into the house.  Unfortunately the shooter put too much pepper on the shot, and the stone goes all the way down the sheet and out of play.  The players decide to have a commiseratory beer.

Curlers tell non-drinkers to “go play hockey”.  This is considered a major insult in the world of curling.

Play continues with players on opposite teams alternating their shots.  After all the shots are taken (sixteen in total for each end), points are awarded.  Points are scored by having one or more of your team’s rocks closer to the center of the house (circles) than your opponents.  If your team has two rocks closer to the center than any of the other team’s rocks, then your team will score two points.  If neither team has a single rock in the house at the end, neither team receives a point.

In this case the brown team scores two points since they have two rocks closest to the center of the house.  Only one team – or neither team – can score points each end.  Everyone celebrates Brown Team’s points.

Play continues like this over ten ends.  At the end points are tallied and the team with the most points wins.  After the game everyone gets together and has “one for the road”.

Games sometimes end before ten ends are played, due to excessive alcohol poisoning.

And that is pretty much curling in a nutshell.  If you are interested in some actual curling information, I recommend checking out Curling Basics.  It’s a really cool site, with lots of good, and…er…relevant information.

Happy curling!

Great Canadian Moustaches

Whew.  I’ve just spent an exhaustive five-minutes researching the bounty that is the webernet to bring to you, Dear Reader, a history of Great Canadian Moustaches.

I know!  I’m very excited as well.

Let’s get to it:

Coureur des Bois:

The Coureur des Bois were French fur traders in 17th century North America.  They began to disappear in the early part of the 18th century due to being over trapped for their luxurious moustaches, which brought in great sums of money on the European market.

Sam Steele:

Sam Steele was the most rugged of men, in an era when rugged men were a dime a dozen, which was actually considered expensive back in the late 1800’s.  Steele was one of the original North West Mounted Police, and he could subdue bad guys by a quick moustache upside the head.  Steele is credited with maintaining a high level of peace during the Klondike Gold Rush, mainly due to his no-nonsense attitude, and threat of irritated skin due to moustache rubbing.

Burton Cummings:

As the leader of the Guess Who, Cummings and his moustache took the music industry by storm with the song, American Woman.  Even Americans enjoyed the song, proving that they can take a joke.

Lanny McDonald:

Lanny, you may have won a Cup with the Calgary Flames, but you will always be a Maple Leaf to your Toronto fans.  Calgarians never appreciated your moustache as much as we did  in Toronto.  Oh, the things that must have gotten caught in your moustache!  Immaculate.

Wendel Clark:

Where would Leaf fans of the 80’s and early 90’s have been without Wendel Clark?  Drunk in the gutter, I’m sure.

He could score, he could fight, and his body checks were always the most spectacular.  Wendel’s moustache was just icing on an already delicious and hairy cake.

Alex Trebek:

The King of Trivia used to have a different title:  King of Hairy-lipped Men.  Unfortunately he shaved his moustache in 2001, and now he is only the King of Non-moustached Trivia.

Jack Layton:

The only reason Jack Layton is as popular as he is in Canada is due to his moustache.  It is a well known fact that he made it to the top of the NDP by throwing his moustache shurikin style at his opponents.  Eventually no one wanted to debate him, and thus he was elected leader of his party.  True story.

McTowelie:

*cough*

Canadian Amoeba:

It is universally acknowledged that Canadian Amoeba has the greatest Amoeba-based moustache in the history of Amoeba moustaches.  And, yes, he does wax it.

What America Really Thinks About Canada.

I recommend reading this piece that appeared in the Toronto Star today.  It’s by Eric Weiner, an American, who writes about U.S opinion of Canada with regards to Obama’s upcoming visit, and brings the funny.  You can read the entire essay here – it’s a short, easy read.

He starts off by telling us why American takes no interest:

“It’s not personal, really. It’s geopolitical. You’re just too … nice. Nice doesn’t get our attention. Threatening gets our attention, and you, Canada, are anything but threatening, except on the hockey rink, of course, but we don’t take hockey all that seriously.”

But eventually he reveals the truth.  America is jealous.  They realize our superiority in being Canadian, but can’t bring themselves to appreciate it, being so tightly wrapped in their own essence.

“The truth is we envy you, though of course we never admit that to anyone, not even ourselves. We envy your health-care system. We envy your prudent, sober banks. We envy your restraint on the international stage. We envy your very happiness. We envy everything about you. Except your weather, of course. Nobody envies that.”
How can we blame Americans for being jealous?  Well, Americans, you can come and visit us anytime you like.  Bring lots of money.

(When will the jealousy end?)

Hockey Fights Explained

The recent death of a Senior A hockey player in Ontario as the result of a fight gone wrong (the player hit his head on the ice at the end of the fight) has sparked a lot of discussion about the role of fighting in hockey.    Fight apologists claim that it is an important part of the sport, while the anti-fighting contingent claims that hockey would be an even better game without fisticuffs.

As a service to the public I have undertaken to explain the reasons why fights happen in hockey.  Using amoebas, of course.

(The International Amoeba Hockey League hosts some of the most competitive protist hockey in the world.)

1.  Passion.

Hockey is played at a great speed and body contact is inevitable.  This coupled with a high level of intensity can lead to fights, even amongst players who don’t usually drop the gloves and exchange knuckle imprints.  Fights of passion usually occur in the corners of the rink, or in front of the nets, as these are the areas where the most intense contests for puck possession happen.

(Fights often occur when too many players try to squeeze themselves into a small space.)

2. Revenge.

Revenge fights happen when a member of an opposing team has injured or tried to injure one of your teammates.  The next time you play against the offending party, it is expected that a member of your team – usually one of your enforcers – will exact revenge.

(Revenge fights can be nasty.)

3.  It’s a Dirty Job.

Many teams will employ a player whose main role is that of the enforcer, or goon.  These players excel at fighting and, usually, little else.  Their sole purpose and reason for being on the team is to fight the other teams enforcer when needed.

These players are considered protectors for the more skilled players – exacting revenge (see above) if an opposing player tries to hurt one of their team’s stars.  Enforces will also engage the other team’s tough guys in fights if their team’s energy is low.  Some pundits believe that this kind of fight can reinvigorate a team that is losing and help to change the momentum of the game.  Other people think that these people are nuts.

(Enforcers tend to be big.)