Great Canadian Moustaches

Whew.  I’ve just spent an exhaustive five-minutes researching the bounty that is the webernet to bring to you, Dear Reader, a history of Great Canadian Moustaches.

I know!  I’m very excited as well.

Let’s get to it:

Coureur des Bois:

The Coureur des Bois were French fur traders in 17th century North America.  They began to disappear in the early part of the 18th century due to being over trapped for their luxurious moustaches, which brought in great sums of money on the European market.

Sam Steele:

Sam Steele was the most rugged of men, in an era when rugged men were a dime a dozen, which was actually considered expensive back in the late 1800’s.  Steele was one of the original North West Mounted Police, and he could subdue bad guys by a quick moustache upside the head.  Steele is credited with maintaining a high level of peace during the Klondike Gold Rush, mainly due to his no-nonsense attitude, and threat of irritated skin due to moustache rubbing.

Burton Cummings:

As the leader of the Guess Who, Cummings and his moustache took the music industry by storm with the song, American Woman.  Even Americans enjoyed the song, proving that they can take a joke.

Lanny McDonald:

Lanny, you may have won a Cup with the Calgary Flames, but you will always be a Maple Leaf to your Toronto fans.  Calgarians never appreciated your moustache as much as we did  in Toronto.  Oh, the things that must have gotten caught in your moustache!  Immaculate.

Wendel Clark:

Where would Leaf fans of the 80’s and early 90’s have been without Wendel Clark?  Drunk in the gutter, I’m sure.

He could score, he could fight, and his body checks were always the most spectacular.  Wendel’s moustache was just icing on an already delicious and hairy cake.

Alex Trebek:

The King of Trivia used to have a different title:  King of Hairy-lipped Men.  Unfortunately he shaved his moustache in 2001, and now he is only the King of Non-moustached Trivia.

Jack Layton:

The only reason Jack Layton is as popular as he is in Canada is due to his moustache.  It is a well known fact that he made it to the top of the NDP by throwing his moustache shurikin style at his opponents.  Eventually no one wanted to debate him, and thus he was elected leader of his party.  True story.

McTowelie:

*cough*

Canadian Amoeba:

It is universally acknowledged that Canadian Amoeba has the greatest Amoeba-based moustache in the history of Amoeba moustaches.  And, yes, he does wax it.

Canadian Prime Ministers

Back to the roots of Canadian Fermentation!  I have recently started some exhaustive research into the history of Canadian Prime Ministers.  This has led to some interesting discoveries!  I’ve included some of the more interesting and strange – as well as some of the more infamous – examples of Canadian Prime Ministers. I hope you enjoy it.

Please feel free to leave a response and share who your favourite Prime Minister is.

Sir John A. McDonald:

• Served two terms; the first Canadian Prime Minister from 1867-1873, and a second stint from 1878 – 1891.
• One of the Fathers Of Confederation.
• Enjoyed drinking.  Heavily.  Often.  Sometimes naked, when he would yell to his enemies, “Bring it, bitches.”
• Born in Scotland, which may explain the drinking.
• Progenitor of the trans-Canada railway.

(Sir John A. McDonald enjoyed sunsets, long walks on the beach and parties.)

Sir John Abbott:

• 3rd Prime Minister of Canada.
• Nobody fucking cares about John Abbott.

(Who is this guy?)

Groucho Marx:

• Little known fact that Marx was Prime Minister in 1933.  Ruled under the name Rufus T. Firefly.
• Changed the name of country from Canada to Freedonia.
• Forced Freedonia into a war with fictional country, Sylvania.  Hilarity ensued.
• Wields a mean Stradivarius.
• Excerpt from cabinet meeting:
  
• Minister of Finance: Here is the Treasury Department’s report, sir. I hope you’ll find it clear.
  Rufus T. Firefly: Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.
  [to Bob Roland]
  Rufus T. Firefly: Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(Mr. Marx had the reputation that he would do anything, or anyone, for power.)

William Lyon Mckenzie King:

• Served as Prime Minister on three different occasions; 1921-1926, 1926-1930, 1935-1948, thus winning the Triple Crown of Canadian politics.  His award was a free extra large double-double at Tim Hortons.
• It’s good to be king.
• Introduced old-age pensions.
• Prime Minister during WWII.  Claims he single-handedly beat Hitler at a game of crokonole, thus ending the war.

(The Lyon King also wore a crown as World Crokonole Champion from 1941 – 1946)

Lester B. Pearson:

• Prime Minister from 1963-1968.
• Won Nobel Peace Prize in 1957 for role in ending the Suez Crises by introducing crokoonole to the Middle East.
• President of 7th session of the United Nation’s General Assembly.
• Brought many programs to Canada, including; universal health care, Canadian pension plan and full nudity strip clubs.
• Approved the current Canadian flag.
• Created world’s first race-free immigration system, leading to the establishment of a UFO landing dock at St. Paul, Alberta.

(Lester Pearson established the first inter-galactic immigration system.)

Joe Clark:

• 1979-1980 (9 months)
• Joe who?

(Historians remain baffled.)

Kim Campbell:

• 1993 (4 months)
• First woman Prime Minister.
• Last woman Prime Minister.

(Kim Campbell once said that she only served as Prime Minister for four months because she was able to accomplish everything she set out to do in that time.  It might be true.)

Satan:

• Has served as Canadian leader intermittently, according to hard-core religious American conservatives.
• Dresses exclusively in red.  Obvious sign of communist leanings.
• Allows gay rights.  Plans to introduce inter-species marriages.
• Free medical care is just a scam to bankrupt the country as well as the citizen’s morals.
• Wants to change name of country to Kanuckistan.

(Satan often gets a bad rep, but he has quality leadership capabilities.  He’s not afraid to get the job done, by any means necessary.)

Redux: An Apple A Day…

Time for another Post From The Depths Of Oblivion, also known as Previously Published Posts From Canadian Fermentation.

I have to admit that I really like this post.  Don’t you find apples inherently hilarious?

This Post of Awesomeness, as I like to call it, developed in a totally different way than most entries.  Usually a core idea starts to buzz around my brain, prompting me to write something generally related to the idea.

In this case, though, it was a phrase.  Specifically it was the phrase, “An apple a day keeps the prostitutes away,” that started the ball rolling.  For the life of me I can’t remember how I came up with that phrase, I think I was eating an apple at the time, but I found it quite hilarious and determined that a Canadian Fermentation post must be created with that phrase as the center piece.

Somehow.

At first I considered writing something about prostitutes, because, lets face it, they have a much greater inherent comedic value than apples, but, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, I really dislike making posts about hookers.  Hate it.  Seriously.

That left me with only one choice: to create a post about apples.   Not knowing anything about apples, I visited the Ontario Apple Growers Website and noticed that many apples have interesting names.  After that the post pretty much wrote itself.

Here it is in all its glory, An Introduction To Ontario’s Apples, with some minor edits.

——————————————————————————

You may be familiar with the saying, “An apple a day keeps the prostitutes away.” This is a good saying. Prostitutes are often carriers of disease, and if you happen to catch a disease from a prostitute you might end up going to a doctor to get some medicine.

I guess the saying could go, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away because it stops you getting syphilis from a prostitute” but it just isn’t as concise as the original and belabors the point.

Ontario is apple country. Because of this you might think that there are no hookers in Ontario, but in actual fact many women here are involved in this industry. I guess you can’t really trust folksy sayings for accuracy all the time.

You might want to eat an apple while you read this post because then it will feel like you are actually living inside of the internet.

Unless otherwise stated, all apple pictures are from the Ontario Apple Growers website.

Northern Spy: Available from October to May, this apple is a favorite for use in pies containing apple. Although the name conjures up images of stealth and sabotage, the Northern Spy is actually quite peaceful and non-partisan. In fact, during the infamous Apple Wars of the 1930’s, the Northern Spy maintained its neutrality and did not become involved in assisting either side in the conflict.

Empire: This ominous sounding apple is available from October through July. It has been known to be ‘slightly tart’ and ‘juicy’ at times, but for the most part is pretty amiable. You don’t find Empires around much any more, as they have become unacceptable. American politicians still seem to enjoy them, though, although they call them by a different name.

McIntosh: The McIntosh was first coded in the 1800’s to be the perfect apple. Unfortunately computers didn’t exist in the 1800’s so all that code went to waste. Luckily scientists found an alternate use for the McIntosh when they discovered that it was edible. Since then the McIntosh has been a favorite sauce and pie apple.

(photo from Webster’s Online Dictionary)

Road Apples: You might think that Road Apples look disgusting. This is because they are disgusting.  I don’t recommend baking Road Apples in a pie, or turning them into sauce. You probably shouldn’t step on them either, because then people will start complaining that they smell Road Apples and whine about how disgusting it is.  In fact, you should probably avoid road apples altogether.  It is for the best.

Spartan: Spartans are best when kept away from the opulence of the modern kitchen. The flagrant extravagance of today’s kitchens can upset the Spartans and cause them to declare war on you. They will then set up a defensive position in the narrowest part of your house. Once this happens it is almost impossible to dislodge them.

Remembrance Day

*Salute*

Canadian History: Thank You, America.

The year 1812 was a tumultuous time. People were being born, and people were dying. Inventions were either being brought into existence, or being mentally conceived. Stuff was happening everywhere, including North America. It was amazing.

Also, there was a war. It was called “The War of 1812”. It started in the year 1812 and lasted until 1815, which makes me wonder why it isn’t called “The War of 1812 to 1815”, which would make much more sense. Oh well…historians…pffff.

Now, this post isn’t a rehashing of the War of 1812 to 1815, but only a rehashing of a piece of it. The piece where British Canadian troops invaded and captured a large part of Maine and occupied it for the duration of the war. The British Canadian troops also captured Detroit, but quickly gave it back.

After the war was over, the Holigonians, as citizens of Halifax, Nova Scotia are known, who were occupying the State, raided the treasury that contained taxes which had been collected from American citizens during the occupation. They took this money and ran, prompting the Steve Miller Band to write a song about the incident.

(Did the Steve Miller Band write this song about an incident that happened during the War of 1812 to 1815? You be the judge.)

The Haligonians then returned to Halifax, and, after dressing up as Leprechauns and getting wasted, they tried to figure out what to do with the money.

“Let’s build a high quality cat house so that we can attract lots of high quality hookers,” suggested a group of sailors.

“I really like that cat house idea,” agreed the local, and half-insane, cat lady.

Finally, a young urchin, with shabby clothing and a head full of lice stepped forward and suggested that the American money be used to build something important for the community. Bravely, the young urchin suggested an orphanage. He was quickly shushed.

Finally the townsfolk all agreed that building a University would be the best idea, and so Dalhousie University was born. Today, Dalhousie is one of Canada’s premier schools with quality classes such as “Drinking Alcoholic Beverages” and “Dressing Up As Leprechauns”.

(What sinister shenanigans are being enacted behind the walls of Dalhousie University? Photo from Wikipedia.)

So, thank you, my American friends. Thank you for helping to fund the development of one of Canada’s foremost institutions of learning. We raise a glass to you.