Canadian Prime Ministers

Back to the roots of Canadian Fermentation!  I have recently started some exhaustive research into the history of Canadian Prime Ministers.  This has led to some interesting discoveries!  I’ve included some of the more interesting and strange – as well as some of the more infamous – examples of Canadian Prime Ministers. I hope you enjoy it.

Please feel free to leave a response and share who your favourite Prime Minister is.

Sir John A. McDonald:

• Served two terms; the first Canadian Prime Minister from 1867-1873, and a second stint from 1878 – 1891.
• One of the Fathers Of Confederation.
• Enjoyed drinking.  Heavily.  Often.  Sometimes naked, when he would yell to his enemies, “Bring it, bitches.”
• Born in Scotland, which may explain the drinking.
• Progenitor of the trans-Canada railway.

(Sir John A. McDonald enjoyed sunsets, long walks on the beach and parties.)

Sir John Abbott:

• 3rd Prime Minister of Canada.
• Nobody fucking cares about John Abbott.

(Who is this guy?)

Groucho Marx:

• Little known fact that Marx was Prime Minister in 1933.  Ruled under the name Rufus T. Firefly.
• Changed the name of country from Canada to Freedonia.
• Forced Freedonia into a war with fictional country, Sylvania.  Hilarity ensued.
• Wields a mean Stradivarius.
• Excerpt from cabinet meeting:
  
• Minister of Finance: Here is the Treasury Department’s report, sir. I hope you’ll find it clear.
  Rufus T. Firefly: Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.
  [to Bob Roland]
  Rufus T. Firefly: Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(Mr. Marx had the reputation that he would do anything, or anyone, for power.)

William Lyon Mckenzie King:

• Served as Prime Minister on three different occasions; 1921-1926, 1926-1930, 1935-1948, thus winning the Triple Crown of Canadian politics.  His award was a free extra large double-double at Tim Hortons.
• It’s good to be king.
• Introduced old-age pensions.
• Prime Minister during WWII.  Claims he single-handedly beat Hitler at a game of crokonole, thus ending the war.

(The Lyon King also wore a crown as World Crokonole Champion from 1941 – 1946)

Lester B. Pearson:

• Prime Minister from 1963-1968.
• Won Nobel Peace Prize in 1957 for role in ending the Suez Crises by introducing crokoonole to the Middle East.
• President of 7th session of the United Nation’s General Assembly.
• Brought many programs to Canada, including; universal health care, Canadian pension plan and full nudity strip clubs.
• Approved the current Canadian flag.
• Created world’s first race-free immigration system, leading to the establishment of a UFO landing dock at St. Paul, Alberta.

(Lester Pearson established the first inter-galactic immigration system.)

Joe Clark:

• 1979-1980 (9 months)
• Joe who?

(Historians remain baffled.)

Kim Campbell:

• 1993 (4 months)
• First woman Prime Minister.
• Last woman Prime Minister.

(Kim Campbell once said that she only served as Prime Minister for four months because she was able to accomplish everything she set out to do in that time.  It might be true.)

Satan:

• Has served as Canadian leader intermittently, according to hard-core religious American conservatives.
• Dresses exclusively in red.  Obvious sign of communist leanings.
• Allows gay rights.  Plans to introduce inter-species marriages.
• Free medical care is just a scam to bankrupt the country as well as the citizen’s morals.
• Wants to change name of country to Kanuckistan.

(Satan often gets a bad rep, but he has quality leadership capabilities.  He’s not afraid to get the job done, by any means necessary.)

Ha Ha Ha – Canadian Politics

With all the hullaballoo going on in Canada about the impending political battle – can Stephane Dion actually end up as Prime Minister?!?!?!? – I think that it’s obviously time for a post about testicles.  You’ll see.

How messed up is it that a guy who only a month ago was on his last, shaky, political legs and about to exit from the political stage in Canada, can make some kind of strange u-turn and now be standing on the edge of becoming Canada’s next Prime Minister.  I mean, really?  This seems like a good idea to the political mavens?

Although I’m no fan of the Conservative Party, and this really does serve Harper and his bully tactics a slice of humble pie –  I find a tingling glee forming in the pit of my cockles –  do people really think inserting a shaky coalition government between three parties that wouldn’t stand at consecutive urinals together if they had a choice, a good decision for a country that has a questionable economic future?

I’m not sure.

Then again, it can be argued that the leftist parties who will form the coalition government have more right to claim that position than Harper’s Conservatives, since the left won a majority of the popular vote.

What brought us to this point is that Harper’s balls grew a size too large, which is not good when your heart is smaller than the Grinch’s, pre-enlightenment, as at that point the heart is not strong enough to pump the proper amount of blood into the over-sized balls.  This just leads to elephantitis of the scrotum.  Not good.

Harper tried to ram some politically questionable laws down Canadian’s throats, perceiving the opposition to be weak and unable to stand against the onslaught.  Apparently he was wrong.  His vision was obscured by his big balls.  His brain was lacking in proper blood flow due to the excessive size of his scrotum.

(This guy is proud of his big balls.  Yet, they are not as big as Harper’s.  Yikes!)

(Rumours have it that this is Harper’s favourite song.  He enjoys singing along with the chorus.)

The big question on the mind of many people is what will the international community think about this move?  That is an easy answer, and here it is.

…

Did you catch it?

Anyway, there is snow on the ground, a hockey game to watch later this evening, and politicians are looking in the mirror and wondering why they don’t get more respect:  It is just another day in Canada.

Canadian Support: Vote Ahmnodt Heare.

Canadian Fermentation would like to officially announce our endorsement of Ahmnodt Heare for President of the United States of America.

Ahmnodt is a true American patriot and has run a fiscally sound campaign (total expense: $0.30).  It is a crime that he has not received more media attention.  I can only blame it on some kind of conspiracy.  Or possibly aliens.

Canadian Elections: Who Won?

Ah, it is a simple quesiton, no?  Who won the 2008 Canadian Federal election?  It just happened yesterday, so the results should be obvious, shouldn’t they?

In my opinion, yes and no.  Let’s take a look.

(Steven Harper celebrated the Conservative’s victory by reorganizing his filing cabinet.)

The Conservatives: It’s easy to automatically say that the Conservative Party won this election because they had the most MP’s elected to Parliament, and therefor will keep their mandate to form the Canadian goverment.  So, yes, they “won”.  But, I don’t think that all members and supporters of the Conservative Party will agree when looking at the bigger picture.  Whether or not Prime Minister Steven Harper said so – and to be clear he claimed that his goal was a minority government and he didn’t believe that he was able to capture a majority – but if you believe that then let me tell you that I used to be a Rhodes Scholar and invented the resevoir tip for condoms.  In other words, for those slower than I am, it’s a crock of shit.

The Conservatives weren’t performing badly, their base was holding tight, and they were making ground in Quebec and Ontario, and their main rivals, the Liberals, were (and still are) in leadership turmoil and are as factuous and disjointed as they have been during my lifetime.  Don’t forget about the looming economic crisis, and the fact that sitting governments usually don’t do well with the electorate if they are in power during major economic upheavals, whether or not they deserve the ire of the people.  It was the perfect time for Harper to try for a majority government, and waiting any later would jeopardize any chance for it to happen.

Did the Conservatives win?  They were the winning party, and they increased the strength of their minority government, but they lost.  They are heading into a major economic challenge with a minority government.  They will have a grace period as the Liberals sort out their mess and work towards finding a new leader, but when the new Lib leader is in place and secure, it’ll only be a matter of time before they take down the government and call another election.  I give Harper two more years at most.

Success: Won a second minority government, increased number of members of parliament.

Challenges: Missed great chance to secure a majority government.  Still no success in major cities outside of western base of support.  Making it appear that Harper has a soul.

(Stephan Dion is, reportedly, still in the closet crying about the unfair universe.)

The Liberals: The week before the election Liberal leader, Stphane Dion, was slowly starting to  fit the role of ‘Leader’.  Oh, he wasn’t there yet, but he was showing glimpses of potential, and, therefor, was becomming a less futile choice for disgruntled voters.  For a while there was even talk of a Liberal minority.

Hahahahah…

Anyway, the Liberals, who are Canada’s traditional default ruling party, had their worst results since the 1980’s when Mulroney ruled this land.  The party is fractious with – seemingly – few in the party feeling really comfortable with Dion as leader.

To put it bluntly and to the point, the Liberals are in trouble…shambles…swimming with the poop.

This election the Liberals were the biggest loser.  They lost support, they lost ridings, and their power is drained.  They are the oldest existing party in Canada, and, perhaps, are starting to show signs of the wear and tear of years.

Success: Nobody was killed.

Challenges: Finding a new leader to reinvigorate the Canadian voters.  The government is the Liberals to lose.  Rediscovering their purpose.  Losing their attitude.

(Jack Layton celebrated a solid NDP showing by twirling his moustache.)

The New Democratic Party: The NDP won more seats and had a greater share of the popular vote for the third straight election after having fallen to a measley thirteen seats in 2000.  Jack Layton claimed that he was running not to be a social conscious alternate political choice for Canadians, as per usual, but to be the Prime Minister of Canada.

Of course no one really believed him.

Ultimately the goal was to hope for a Liberal collapse which would result in  great gains for the NDP, leading to official oppositions status, which would have been a coup for this party.  Although the party did well in this election, they didn’t do as well as they had hoped.

Are the NDP winners or losers in this election?  This is a tough call.  Layton didn’t accomplish his stated goals, but under his leadership the party has slowly been gaining traction within the Canadian political consciousness as a valid federal option.

I call this one a draw for the Ndippers.

Success: Increased number of seats in parliament.  Increased percentage of the popular vote.  Won a seat in Quebec. Layton still has the coolest moustache in Canadian politics.

Challenges: Continuing to grow the base of support.  Smoking less pot.

(Elizabeth May celebrated by going on an orgiastic carbon-letting frenzy, which included; driving an SUV, burning coal, and punching a hippy in the face.)

Green Party: The Green Party really has nothing to lose.  This is, if I remember correctly, the first federal election where the Green Party ran a candidate in all ridings, except for the one contested by Liberal leader Stephan Dion, as per agreement between he and Green leader Elizabeth May.  That is, in itself, a victory for this young party.

Their realisitic hopes for this election was to grow their popular vote, and challenge – with thoughts of winning – a riding or two.  The didn’t win a riding, but they did increase their vote by almost 2.5%, and a good number of candidates finished third, with at least one candidate – May – finishing second.

I have to consider this a victory for the Greens.  They are slowly increasing their acceptance as a viable party.  It’s a tough haul in Canadian politics, but I think the Greens have now made it to the next level as a Federal Party.  It’s now time for the party to step back and consider what their future is, and where they want to take the party.

It’s a win for the Greens.

Success: Ran a candidate in all but one riding.  Improved performance over last election.  Competitive in a handful of ridings.

Challenges: Increasing base of support.  Determining if having another competitive party on the left is viable in Canadian politics.

(Giles Duceppe celebrated a solid showing by sacrificing an anglophone to the gods of French.)

Bloc Quebecois: Canada’s oxymoronic federal sepratist party didn’t collapse like many were predicting up for most of the run up to the election.  The Bloc came away with a similar result to the 2006 election where they won 51 seats in Quebec.  This election they carried 50 seats.

On the other hand they did drop half a percentage point in the popular vote.  This may not seem like a significant drop, but keep in mind that they only run candidates in one province, Quebec, and the percentage quoated is based on federal results, so the drop is much more significant than the number indicates.

Moving into the future, with the separatist movement apparently stalled and experiencing fatigue, many will continue to question the relevancy of the BQ.  They, obviously, have no hope of forming the federal government, and have only slim hope of forming the official opposition.  Then again, the BQ’s success in Quebec was the foil to the Conservative government obtaining a majority; many will consider that a success.

Did the BQ come away winners of this election?  I think so.  The exceeded expectations, and affected the face of federal politics.  On the other hand, though, how relevant is this party in the modern political era?  Other than their seperatist platform their main role is as a leftist party, of which we, arguably, already have three.  Nonetheless, this election was a win for the BQ, and they did as well as could be expected.

Success: Maintained representation in parliament.  Showed that there is still significant support for the BQ.

Challenges: Proving the party is still relevant.  Obvious drop in support.

Canadian Elections: Man, This Is Exciting!

Sorry for the title.  I know that Canadian politics isn’t supposed to be exciting, but I can’t help myself.  I get totally stoked over elections.  Oh, we all know the likely end result of tonights elections – a Conservative minority – but I enjoy the evening nontheless.

Even my riding won’t be very exciting.  I live in the GTA, which means solid Liberal backing; Scarborough in particular.  All Scarborough riding are expected to stay Liberal after tonight.

Why do I find elections so exciting?  Honestly, I’m not sure, but I’ve always been this way.  As a child I would gather all my and my sisters stuffed toys and hold elections.  Each party would have their leader toy, and then all the other toys would vote.  The NDP toys did very well in contradiction to the results that were seen in the real world.  OK, so the toy elections weren’t exactly unbiased, but at least they were democratic.

So, I will be watching the election coverage tonight.  Perhaps I’ll do some ‘live’ blogging…but then again I might not.  For me the excitement of elections do feel something akin to major sporting events.  I consider them more fun, than serious business, although I also understand the seriousness of the process and respect that fact.

Don’t worry, after the elections are over, I’m going to get back to slagging on Australians for awhile.  You know, something more serious in nature.