Posts filed under ‘Uncategorized’
Hey…psssssst…come here. I want to tell you something.
Yeah, you. I hear you’ve been asking about Canada.
Yeah, I have!
Great! Well you’ve come to the right place. I can answer all your questions.
That sounds good.
Not only does it sound good, it will also feel good.
Oh, that’s nice…wait, what exactly do you mean by feel good?
Never mind that. For now. The first thing you want to know about Canada is that it’s big.
Bigger than Australia and Perez Hilton’s ego combined.
I know! It’s unbelievably big.
If it’s that big, then the people who live there must be giants.
That’s a reasonable, yet crazy assumption. People in Canada are normal sized.
Hmmm. Well, if it’s that big then there must be billions of people living there.
Not at all, my ignorant friend. Canada actually has one of the lowest population densities of any nation.
It’s true. That’s because most of the space in Canada isn’t readily habitable by sane people.
Not even remotely, but here is something that is interesting. Canada is the world leader in the production of maple syrup.
That’s not interesting either.
If you like pancakes and waffles it’s very interesting.
Fattening breakfast foods are OK. What else do Canadians eat?
For the answer to that question, you will have to wait for the next edition of So, You Want To Know About Canada.
Crap! What if I don’t want to wait?
I was Stumbling around the net when I came across this site: http://magswordfinder.com/
I didn’t find the site particularly interesting, my personal opinion, of course. The site allows you to type in a word and it will pull out any other words that can be made out of the letters involved in the word you type. What I found interesting, though, was the disclaimer:
“Note that some dictionaries are quite large, so the search may take several seconds.”
Several seconds? What kind of world are we living in where we have to wait several seconds to discover all the iterations of the word “Impatient”? I’d rather spend my time watching cat videos and eating fast food, thank you very much.
I’ve decided to take a hiatus from writing on Canadian Fermentation for awhile. It might be for a week, possibly a month, or maybe longer.
There are changes happening in my life – positive changes – but I want to focus on them for awhile.
Back to the roots of Canadian Fermentation! I have recently started some exhaustive research into the history of Canadian Prime Ministers. This has led to some interesting discoveries! I’ve included some of the more interesting and strange – as well as some of the more infamous – examples of Canadian Prime Ministers. I hope you enjoy it.
Please feel free to leave a response and share who your favourite Prime Minister is.
Sir John A. McDonald:
- Served two terms; the first Canadian Prime Minister from 1867-1873, and a second stint from 1878 – 1891.
- One of the Fathers Of Confederation.
- Enjoyed drinking. Heavily. Often. Sometimes naked, when he would yell to his enemies, “Bring it, bitches.”
- Born in Scotland, which may explain the drinking.
- Progenitor of the trans-Canada railway.
(Sir John A. McDonald enjoyed sunsets, long walks on the beach and parties.)
Sir John Abbott:
- 3rd Prime Minister of Canada.
- Nobody fucking cares about John Abbott.
(Who is this guy?)
- Little known fact that Marx was Prime Minister in 1933. Ruled under the name Rufus T. Firefly.
- Changed the name of country from Canada to Freedonia.
- Forced Freedonia into a war with fictional country, Sylvania. Hilarity ensued.
- Wields a mean Stradivarius.
- Excerpt from cabinet meeting:
- Minister of Finance: Here is the Treasury Department’s report, sir. I hope you’ll find it clear.
Rufus T. Firefly: Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.
[to Bob Roland]
Rufus T. Firefly: Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.
(Mr. Marx had the reputation that he would do anything, or anyone, for power.)
William Lyon Mckenzie King:
- Served as Prime Minister on three different occasions; 1921-1926, 1926-1930, 1935-1948, thus winning the Triple Crown of Canadian politics. His award was a free extra large double-double at Tim Hortons.
- It’s good to be king.
- Introduced old-age pensions.
- Prime Minister during WWII. Claims he single-handedly beat Hitler at a game of crokonole, thus ending the war.
(The Lyon King also wore a crown as World Crokonole Champion from 1941 – 1946)
Lester B. Pearson:
- Prime Minister from 1963-1968.
- Won Nobel Peace Prize in 1957 for role in ending the Suez Crises by introducing crokoonole to the Middle East.
- President of 7th session of the United Nation’s General Assembly.
- Brought many programs to Canada, including; universal health care, Canadian pension plan and full nudity strip clubs.
- Approved the current Canadian flag.
- Created world’s first race-free immigration system, leading to the establishment of a UFO landing dock at St. Paul, Alberta.
(Lester Pearson established the first inter-galactic immigration system.)
- 1979-1980 (9 months)
- Joe who?
(Historians remain baffled.)
- 1993 (4 months)
- First woman Prime Minister.
- Last woman Prime Minister.
(Kim Campbell once said that she only served as Prime Minister for four months because she was able to accomplish everything she set out to do in that time. It might be true.)
- Has served as Canadian leader intermittently, according to hard-core religious American conservatives.
- Dresses exclusively in red. Obvious sign of communist leanings.
- Allows gay rights. Plans to introduce inter-species marriages.
- Free medical care is just a scam to bankrupt the country as well as the citizen’s morals.
- Wants to change name of country to Kanuckistan.
(Satan often gets a bad rep, but he has quality leadership capabilities. He’s not afraid to get the job done, by any means necessary.)
Welcome back to International Amoeba Battles, formerly known as International Nature Battles. The last match showed that Canadian and Australian Amoebas are able to put aside their differences and join forces to destroy and humiliate the innocent. It was a good fight.
Today’s fight will have to be spectacular to match the excitement of the last battle. Unfortunately it looks like a potential snoozer, as we have the experienced and deadly American Amoeba taking on Chinese Amoeba. This is Chinese Amoeba’s first International Amoeba Battle appearance: a tough draw for a newcomer.
Chinese Amoeba has been training hard, though, and is expected to have a few surprises stored away in vacuoles.
Let’s get to the action!
On the left in the blue trunks, is American Amoeba. On the right is a new comer to International Amoeba Battles, Chinese Amoeba. Chinese Amoeba is wearing red trunks. That is me in the bottom corner. Once again I will be the referee. For this battle I brought my hoes. I thought they might enjoy the contest.
Interesting! It looks like Chinese Amoeba is respecting the power of American Amoeba. Chinese Amoeba is offering to loan American Amoeba money so that American Amoeba can buy nutritious supplements to regain energy and continue the battle. This is a classy move by Chinese Amoeba!
Now Chinese Amoeba is offering to sell American Amoeba some nutritious supplements, in exchange for the money previously loaned. What a sportsamoeba! Apparently the box also contains toys and other sundries to keep American Amoeba amused while recovering. Chinese Amoeba claims that none of it is unnecessary crap. Chinese Amoeba also promises to sell it to American Amoeba for a better price than American Amoeba would be able to find from American made nutritional supplements. American Amoeba agrees to the deal.
Oh, crap! It looks like the nutritious supplements are still expanding. They are expanding so much that American Amoeba is starting to break up. Is Chinese Amoeba flipping American Amoeba the bird? That’s not very nice.
What an upset! Unbelievable. Chinese Amoeba has defeated American Amoeba from the inside. Chinese Amoeba celebrates victory by raising a couple of pseudopods into the air, before proceeding to injest the remnants of American Amoeba. Gross.
A Canadian Apology
A truly Canadian Apology to the USA… Courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I’d like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven’t been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I’m sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn’t nice of us to point it out. If it’s any consolation, the fact that he’s a moron shouldn’t reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it’s not like you actually elected him.
I’m sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn’t give us the right to sell you lumber that’s cheaper and better than your own.
I’m sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. I’m sorry we burnt down your White House during the war of 1812. I notice you’ve rebuilt it! It’s Very Nice.
I’m sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we feel your pain.
I’m sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you’re going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I’m sorry that we’re constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you’re not upset over this. We’ve seen what you do to countries you get upset with.