Posts filed under ‘Views of Canada’
Hey…psssssst…come here. I want to tell you something.
Yeah, you. I hear you’ve been asking about Canada.
Yeah, I have!
Great! Well you’ve come to the right place. I can answer all your questions.
That sounds good.
Not only does it sound good, it will also feel good.
Oh, that’s nice…wait, what exactly do you mean by feel good?
Never mind that. For now. The first thing you want to know about Canada is that it’s big.
Bigger than Australia and Perez Hilton’s ego combined.
I know! It’s unbelievably big.
If it’s that big, then the people who live there must be giants.
That’s a reasonable, yet crazy assumption. People in Canada are normal sized.
Hmmm. Well, if it’s that big then there must be billions of people living there.
Not at all, my ignorant friend. Canada actually has one of the lowest population densities of any nation.
It’s true. That’s because most of the space in Canada isn’t readily habitable by sane people.
Not even remotely, but here is something that is interesting. Canada is the world leader in the production of maple syrup.
That’s not interesting either.
If you like pancakes and waffles it’s very interesting.
Fattening breakfast foods are OK. What else do Canadians eat?
For the answer to that question, you will have to wait for the next edition of So, You Want To Know About Canada.
Crap! What if I don’t want to wait?
I recommend reading this piece that appeared in the Toronto Star today. It’s by Eric Weiner, an American, who writes about U.S opinion of Canada with regards to Obama’s upcoming visit, and brings the funny. You can read the entire essay here – it’s a short, easy read.
He starts off by telling us why American takes no interest:
“It’s not personal, really. It’s geopolitical. You’re just too … nice. Nice doesn’t get our attention. Threatening gets our attention, and you, Canada, are anything but threatening, except on the hockey rink, of course, but we don’t take hockey all that seriously.”
But eventually he reveals the truth. America is jealous. They realize our superiority in being Canadian, but can’t bring themselves to appreciate it, being so tightly wrapped in their own essence.
“The truth is we envy you, though of course we never admit that to anyone, not even ourselves. We envy your health-care system. We envy your prudent, sober banks. We envy your restraint on the international stage. We envy your very happiness. We envy everything about you. Except your weather, of course. Nobody envies that.”
How can we blame Americans for being jealous? Well, Americans, you can come and visit us anytime you like. Bring lots of money.
(When will the jealousy end?)
Back to the roots of Canadian Fermentation! I have recently started some exhaustive research into the history of Canadian Prime Ministers. This has led to some interesting discoveries! I’ve included some of the more interesting and strange – as well as some of the more infamous – examples of Canadian Prime Ministers. I hope you enjoy it.
Please feel free to leave a response and share who your favourite Prime Minister is.
Sir John A. McDonald:
- Served two terms; the first Canadian Prime Minister from 1867-1873, and a second stint from 1878 – 1891.
- One of the Fathers Of Confederation.
- Enjoyed drinking. Heavily. Often. Sometimes naked, when he would yell to his enemies, “Bring it, bitches.”
- Born in Scotland, which may explain the drinking.
- Progenitor of the trans-Canada railway.
(Sir John A. McDonald enjoyed sunsets, long walks on the beach and parties.)
Sir John Abbott:
- 3rd Prime Minister of Canada.
- Nobody fucking cares about John Abbott.
(Who is this guy?)
- Little known fact that Marx was Prime Minister in 1933. Ruled under the name Rufus T. Firefly.
- Changed the name of country from Canada to Freedonia.
- Forced Freedonia into a war with fictional country, Sylvania. Hilarity ensued.
- Wields a mean Stradivarius.
- Excerpt from cabinet meeting:
- Minister of Finance: Here is the Treasury Department’s report, sir. I hope you’ll find it clear.
Rufus T. Firefly: Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.
[to Bob Roland]
Rufus T. Firefly: Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.
(Mr. Marx had the reputation that he would do anything, or anyone, for power.)
William Lyon Mckenzie King:
- Served as Prime Minister on three different occasions; 1921-1926, 1926-1930, 1935-1948, thus winning the Triple Crown of Canadian politics. His award was a free extra large double-double at Tim Hortons.
- It’s good to be king.
- Introduced old-age pensions.
- Prime Minister during WWII. Claims he single-handedly beat Hitler at a game of crokonole, thus ending the war.
(The Lyon King also wore a crown as World Crokonole Champion from 1941 – 1946)
Lester B. Pearson:
- Prime Minister from 1963-1968.
- Won Nobel Peace Prize in 1957 for role in ending the Suez Crises by introducing crokoonole to the Middle East.
- President of 7th session of the United Nation’s General Assembly.
- Brought many programs to Canada, including; universal health care, Canadian pension plan and full nudity strip clubs.
- Approved the current Canadian flag.
- Created world’s first race-free immigration system, leading to the establishment of a UFO landing dock at St. Paul, Alberta.
(Lester Pearson established the first inter-galactic immigration system.)
- 1979-1980 (9 months)
- Joe who?
(Historians remain baffled.)
- 1993 (4 months)
- First woman Prime Minister.
- Last woman Prime Minister.
(Kim Campbell once said that she only served as Prime Minister for four months because she was able to accomplish everything she set out to do in that time. It might be true.)
- Has served as Canadian leader intermittently, according to hard-core religious American conservatives.
- Dresses exclusively in red. Obvious sign of communist leanings.
- Allows gay rights. Plans to introduce inter-species marriages.
- Free medical care is just a scam to bankrupt the country as well as the citizen’s morals.
- Wants to change name of country to Kanuckistan.
(Satan often gets a bad rep, but he has quality leadership capabilities. He’s not afraid to get the job done, by any means necessary.)
♦ You wish you could vacation in Saskatoon just because it sounds so exotic.
♦ The Leafs will win the Cup this year. Oh, yes…yes…they will.
♦ You support Steven Harper because you think he has a great personality.
♦ You think nothing of telling people that the Key Grip for the movie Gigli was a Canadian.
♦ Poutine is health-food, isn’t it?
♦ You think “Do not feed the moose” signs refer to other people.
♦ You’ve never been to Toronto, but you’re pretty sure that it is the Centre Of Evil in the universe.
♦ You wonder why other people are always laughing at beaver jokes.
♦ Election time is great because all the pretty-coloured signs that people have on their lawns really beautify things up.
♦ You regularly perform a ceremony sacrificing a double-double to the Coffee God, just to ensure coffee supplies never run dry.
♦ You can’t wait for winter to arrive because you are dieing to beat your personal best-time for standing in a snow drift naked.
♦ You understand why you shouldn’t eat the yellow snow due to personal experience.
♦ This will be the winter you are able to lick the metal on the monkey bars without someone having to call the paramedics.
I think it’s neat to see non-Canadians blogging about Canadian stuff. So, whenever I come across an entry on a non-Canadian blog that is to do with Canada, I’ll post a link. Feel free to send me links from your blog or blogs you come across as well.
A German woman writes about her experience during a visit to Canada, including time spent at the World Hockey Championships.