The Truth About Curling

The first thing that non-Canadians ask me when they find out that I am from Canada is: “Tell me about the sport of curling because in my country we do not play, but it is a very fascinating sport to us and we must learn all we can about your culture.” This is what they ask unless that person is from one of the following countries that has an official curling association (list from Wikipedia):

Since I played curling for a few months back when I was in high-school, and I’ve watched a couple of games on T.V.,  I figure myself to be something of an expert.  Therefor I will explain all you need to know about this sport.  Once again the amoebas have agreed to assist in the explanation:

Teams are made up of 4 people, making a total of 8 players participating in each game.  Competitors like to get together before a match to have a celebratory drink to the game that is about to take place.

curling1The Canadian Amoeba Curling Club has won the World Amoeba Curling Championship the past three years.

The game begins.  The blue team shoots first this round.  Next round the brown team will shoot first.  Play continues for a total of ten rounds.  With the first shot, Team Blue will try to set up a guard.  A guard is a rock that sits before the house (the coloured circles) but after the Hog Line (black line you see in the image).

curlingfirstend24

The first shot was perfect!  Everyone, including the opposition, celebrates the shot with another drink.

Team Brown has the next shot.  They decide to try and get a rock into the house.  Unfortunately the shooter put too much pepper on the shot, and the stone goes all the way down the sheet and out of play.  The players decide to have a commiseratory beer.

curlingtemplate3Curlers tell non-drinkers to “go play hockey”.  This is considered a major insult in the world of curling.

Play continues with players on opposite teams alternating their shots.  After all the shots are taken (sixteen in total for each end), points are awarded.  Points are scored by having one or more of your team’s rocks closer to the center of the house (circles) than your opponents.  If your team has two rocks closer to the center than any of the other team’s rocks, then your team will score two points.  If neither team has a single rock in the house at the end, neither team receives a point.

curling5In this case the brown team scores two points since they have two rocks closest to the center of the house.  Only one team – or neither team – can score points each end.  Everyone celebrates Brown Team’s points.

Play continues like this over ten ends.  At the end points are tallied and the team with the most points wins.  After the game everyone gets together and has “one for the road”.

curlingfirstend2

Games sometimes end before ten ends are played, due to excessive alcohol poisoning.

And that is pretty much curling in a nutshell.  If you are interested in some actual curling information, I recommend checking out Curling Basics.  It’s a really cool site, with lots of good, and…er…relevant information.

Happy curling!

June 3, 2009 at 3:52 pm 9 comments

Top 10 Tips on Creating Lists of Tips

Creating top-ten lists is the meat and potatoes of internet posting.  Although I do enjoy reading them, I think making a top-ten list is lazy authourship.  That having been said, I would like to return to Canadian Fermentation by introducing for your education, Dear Reader, my Top 10 Tips on Creating Lists of Tips.

Although it may seems like there are contradictions in my list, there are, in fact,  none.  It’s a perfect top-ten list.  I hope you enjoy it and are able to take something educational away with you from the experience.


1.  Creativity and entertainment are more important than applicability, facts or actual usability.  Go crazy!

2.  Interesting visuals are nice, particularly if they include a hottie (male or female depending on your target readers), or a picture of a cat doing something crazy.  The pictures should, even if loosely, be related to the topic or tip.

cat-comstume-2The best visuals are a combination of hot babes and cats.

3. Originality is overrated.  Focus on topics that people are familiar with.  People don’t want to learn something new, rather they want their beliefs confirmed.

4.  Keep entries short.  A long entry just provides more material for other people to prove you wrong.

5.  Try to refer to at least one “expert” in your list.   Jane Spilousia, Lead Tip Master with the Tip Institute of Toronto says, “Experts give your tips acumen and authority. If in doubt, find an expert to make your tip pertinent.”

6. Don’t share personal anecdotes, and beware of using your personal experiences as proof.  Trust me   – I tried this on my last Top 10 list and it didn’t work.

7.  Borrow from historical sources.  If you become stuck for tips to share just remember that the internet is your playground.  Ignore what others have told you; there is no such thing as plagarism on the internet.

8. Maintain your authority.  If you receive critical responses to your list, either delete the responses or chastize and humiliate the person who criticized you (preferably using an alias).  This will show other readers how masterful and in control you are.

9.  Give yourself a deadline, and stick to it.  Don’t worry about having a concise, accurate list with the absolute “top 10” tips. The important thing is production; get that post on the web where it’s needed!  Be willing to embrace tip #1, rather than strive for total accuracy and relevancy.  By utilizing tip #’s  5 + 8 your list will remain relevant.

10.  Avoid being witty.  Most readers are stupid anyway, and won’t get the joke.  Don’t waste your time on them with your best work when any old junk will do.

Bonus:  Always have a bonus tip.  Why?  No one really knows, it’s just something that all top 10 list makers do.  You don’t want to stand out from the crowd, do you?

May 4, 2009 at 2:55 pm 11 comments

Officially Official

I’ve decided to take a hiatus from writing on Canadian Fermentation for awhile. It might be for a week, possibly a month, or maybe longer.

There are changes happening in my life – positive changes – but I want to focus on them for awhile.

Thanks,

C.F.

March 13, 2009 at 11:32 pm 8 comments

Great Canadian Moustaches

Whew.  I’ve just spent an exhaustive five-minutes researching the bounty that is the webernet to bring to you, Dear Reader, a history of Great Canadian Moustaches.

I know!  I’m very excited as well.

Let’s get to it:

Coureur des Bois:

courierddubois

The Coureur des Bois were French fur traders in 17th century North America.  They began to disappear in the early part of the 18th century due to being over trapped for their luxurious moustaches, which brought in great sums of money on the European market.

Sam Steele:

samsteelSam Steele was the most rugged of men, in an era when rugged men were a dime a dozen, which was actually considered expensive back in the late 1800’s.  Steele was one of the original North West Mounted Police, and he could subdue bad guys by a quick moustache upside the head.  Steele is credited with maintaining a high level of peace during the Klondike Gold Rush, mainly due to his no-nonsense attitude, and threat of irritated skin due to moustache rubbing.

Burton Cummings:

burtoncummings

As the leader of the Guess Who, Cummings and his moustache took the music industry by storm with the song, American Woman.  Even Americans enjoyed the song, proving that they can take a joke.

Lanny McDonald:

lannymcdonaldLanny, you may have won a Cup with the Calgary Flames, but you will always be a Maple Leaf to your Toronto fans.  Calgarians never appreciated your moustache as much as we did  in Toronto.  Oh, the things that must have gotten caught in your moustache!  Immaculate.

Wendel Clark:

wendelclarkmoustache

Where would Leaf fans of the 80’s and early 90’s have been without Wendel Clark?  Drunk in the gutter, I’m sure.

He could score, he could fight, and his body checks were always the most spectacular.  Wendel’s moustache was just icing on an already delicious and hairy cake.

Alex Trebek:

alextrebekThe King of Trivia used to have a different title:  King of Hairy-lipped Men.  Unfortunately he shaved his moustache in 2001, and now he is only the King of Non-moustached Trivia.

Jack Layton:

jack_laytonThe only reason Jack Layton is as popular as he is in Canada is due to his moustache.  It is a well known fact that he made it to the top of the NDP by throwing his moustache shurikin style at his opponents.  Eventually no one wanted to debate him, and thus he was elected leader of his party.  True story.

McTowelie:

mctowelie*cough*

Canadian Amoeba:

canadianamoebaIt is universally acknowledged that Canadian Amoeba has the greatest Amoeba-based moustache in the history of Amoeba moustaches.  And, yes, he does wax it.

February 21, 2009 at 3:16 pm 11 comments

What America Really Thinks About Canada.

I recommend reading this piece that appeared in the Toronto Star today.  It’s by Eric Weiner, an American, who writes about U.S opinion of Canada with regards to Obama’s upcoming visit, and brings the funny.  You can read the entire essay here – it’s a short, easy read.

He starts off by telling us why American takes no interest:

“It’s not personal, really. It’s geopolitical. You’re just too … nice. Nice doesn’t get our attention. Threatening gets our attention, and you, Canada, are anything but threatening, except on the hockey rink, of course, but we don’t take hockey all that seriously.”

But eventually he reveals the truth.  America is jealous.  They realize our superiority in being Canadian, but can’t bring themselves to appreciate it, being so tightly wrapped in their own essence.

“The truth is we envy you, though of course we never admit that to anyone, not even ourselves. We envy your health-care system. We envy your prudent, sober banks. We envy your restraint on the international stage. We envy your very happiness. We envy everything about you. Except your weather, of course. Nobody envies that.”
How can we blame Americans for being jealous?  Well, Americans, you can come and visit us anytime you like.  Bring lots of money.

spcanada(When will the jealousy end?)

February 17, 2009 at 1:44 am 10 comments

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