I’ve decided to take a hiatus from writing on Canadian Fermentation for awhile. It might be for a week, possibly a month, or maybe longer.
There are changes happening in my life – positive changes – but I want to focus on them for awhile.
Whew. I’ve just spent an exhaustive five-minutes researching the bounty that is the webernet to bring to you, Dear Reader, a history of Great Canadian Moustaches.
I know! I’m very excited as well.
Let’s get to it:
Coureur des Bois:
The Coureur des Bois were French fur traders in 17th century North America. They began to disappear in the early part of the 18th century due to being over trapped for their luxurious moustaches, which brought in great sums of money on the European market.
Sam Steele was the most rugged of men, in an era when rugged men were a dime a dozen, which was actually considered expensive back in the late 1800’s. Steele was one of the original North West Mounted Police, and he could subdue bad guys by a quick moustache upside the head. Steele is credited with maintaining a high level of peace during the Klondike Gold Rush, mainly due to his no-nonsense attitude, and threat of irritated skin due to moustache rubbing.
As the leader of the Guess Who, Cummings and his moustache took the music industry by storm with the song, American Woman. Even Americans enjoyed the song, proving that they can take a joke.
Lanny, you may have won a Cup with the Calgary Flames, but you will always be a Maple Leaf to your Toronto fans. Calgarians never appreciated your moustache as much as we did in Toronto. Oh, the things that must have gotten caught in your moustache! Immaculate.
Where would Leaf fans of the 80’s and early 90’s have been without Wendel Clark? Drunk in the gutter, I’m sure.
He could score, he could fight, and his body checks were always the most spectacular. Wendel’s moustache was just icing on an already delicious and hairy cake.
The King of Trivia used to have a different title: King of Hairy-lipped Men. Unfortunately he shaved his moustache in 2001, and now he is only the King of Non-moustached Trivia.
The only reason Jack Layton is as popular as he is in Canada is due to his moustache. It is a well known fact that he made it to the top of the NDP by throwing his moustache shurikin style at his opponents. Eventually no one wanted to debate him, and thus he was elected leader of his party. True story.
It is universally acknowledged that Canadian Amoeba has the greatest Amoeba-based moustache in the history of Amoeba moustaches. And, yes, he does wax it.
I recommend reading this piece that appeared in the Toronto Star today. It’s by Eric Weiner, an American, who writes about U.S opinion of Canada with regards to Obama’s upcoming visit, and brings the funny. You can read the entire essay here – it’s a short, easy read.
He starts off by telling us why American takes no interest:
“It’s not personal, really. It’s geopolitical. You’re just too … nice. Nice doesn’t get our attention. Threatening gets our attention, and you, Canada, are anything but threatening, except on the hockey rink, of course, but we don’t take hockey all that seriously.”
But eventually he reveals the truth. America is jealous. They realize our superiority in being Canadian, but can’t bring themselves to appreciate it, being so tightly wrapped in their own essence.
“The truth is we envy you, though of course we never admit that to anyone, not even ourselves. We envy your health-care system. We envy your prudent, sober banks. We envy your restraint on the international stage. We envy your very happiness. We envy everything about you. Except your weather, of course. Nobody envies that.”
How can we blame Americans for being jealous? Well, Americans, you can come and visit us anytime you like. Bring lots of money.
(When will the jealousy end?)
The recent death of a Senior A hockey player in Ontario as the result of a fight gone wrong (the player hit his head on the ice at the end of the fight) has sparked a lot of discussion about the role of fighting in hockey. Fight apologists claim that it is an important part of the sport, while the anti-fighting contingent claims that hockey would be an even better game without fisticuffs.
As a service to the public I have undertaken to explain the reasons why fights happen in hockey. Using amoebas, of course.
(The International Amoeba Hockey League hosts some of the most competitive protist hockey in the world.)
Hockey is played at a great speed and body contact is inevitable. This coupled with a high level of intensity can lead to fights, even amongst players who don’t usually drop the gloves and exchange knuckle imprints. Fights of passion usually occur in the corners of the rink, or in front of the nets, as these are the areas where the most intense contests for puck possession happen.
(Fights often occur when too many players try to squeeze themselves into a small space.)
Revenge fights happen when a member of an opposing team has injured or tried to injure one of your teammates. The next time you play against the offending party, it is expected that a member of your team – usually one of your enforcers – will exact revenge.
(Revenge fights can be nasty.)
3. It’s a Dirty Job.
Many teams will employ a player whose main role is that of the enforcer, or goon. These players excel at fighting and, usually, little else. Their sole purpose and reason for being on the team is to fight the other teams enforcer when needed.
These players are considered protectors for the more skilled players – exacting revenge (see above) if an opposing player tries to hurt one of their team’s stars. Enforces will also engage the other team’s tough guys in fights if their team’s energy is low. Some pundits believe that this kind of fight can reinvigorate a team that is losing and help to change the momentum of the game. Other people think that these people are nuts.
(Enforcers tend to be big.)
What happens when you find 50 Canadians in a pool at the same time? Find out over at Casa AZ. You’ll never believe the shocking end to this story!!!
(Trouble must be brewing when you find this many Canadians in a swimming pool at the same time.)
Welcome back, sports fans, to International Amoeba Battles. Today we have an exciting match between the indomitable Canadian Amoeba and the svelte and sexy Brazilian Amoeba. Today’s match is being staged at the newest Amoeba Battle Arena in the world, located in chilly Yellowknife, capital city of Canada’s Northwest Territories (NWT).
The temperature in Yellowknife today is -274 degrees Kelvin. Residents of Yellowknife consider this “moderate”.
The new Battle Arena is a spectacular architectural achievement. The choice of building an open air arena, instead of a dome, has many wondering about the sanity of the architect. Although the weather can be quite pleasant during the week of summer Yellowknife experiences, the rest of the year is considered uninhabitable by most reasonable people.
On the left is Canadian Amoeba, who had a good showing in a battle against Australian Amoeba, that ended with Canadian and Australian Amoeba teaming up to smite Swedish Amoeba. What a twist!
On the right is Brazilian Amoeba, in Brazil’s first International Amoeba Battle appearance. Brazilian Amoeba appears to be wearing a pair of bikini bottoms, borrowed from the Brazilian beach volley ball team. Very sexy! Unfortunately bikini bottoms are against Amoeba Battle rules, so Brazilian Amoeba will have to take them off.
For today’s battle, I brought my cat, as he enjoys violence and combat.
Unfortunately, having eaten and imbibed a merry amount over the holidays, all of my luscious muscles have gone to pot. My cat also had a festive holiday season, and has become even more out of shape than usual. Have no fear, Amoeba Battle Fans, as my cat and I are performing intense workouts to get back into shape.
Canadian Amoeba and Brazilian Amoeba start the fight by circling one another. This is the first time these opponents have met, so it looks like they are going to take a moment to size one another up.
I’m sure by now you have noticed the improved visuals for this International Amoeba Battle. Canadian Fermentation has upgraded its technological capabilities in order to bring you a visceral experience, Dear Viewer. No expense has been spared! We hope you enjoy it.
Canadian Amoeba and Brazilian Amoeba continue to circle one another. Brazilian Amoeba reaches out and takes a shot at Canadian Amoeba, but the northerner manages to maneuver away from the punch. Canadian Amoeba appears reluctant to engage the enemy in combat. This is becoming an embarrassment for the home fans, who are starting to become restless. There have been a few scattered boos throughout the arena.
Wait a minute! It looks like something is happening. Brazilian Amoeba is slowing down, and looking rather pale. What is with all that shivering?
Brazilian Amoeba has stopped moving and is standing still. Canadian Amoeba moves in for the kill, raising a couple of pseudopods in preparation of the final blow…
Smash!! Wow!! It looks like, due to the extreme cold of Yellowknife, Brazilian Amoeba became an amoebapop thus allowing Canadian Amoeba to shatter Brazilian Amoeba into tiny shards. What amazing strategy on the part of Canadian Amoeba!
Now the reason for the open roof stadium makes sense. The architect is a genius! Give them a raise.
Well, that was another amazing International Amoeba Battle, wasn’t it? Very invigorating. I don’t know about you, Dear Viewer, but I can’t wait until the next International Amoeba Battle. Stay tuned.
Back to the roots of Canadian Fermentation! I have recently started some exhaustive research into the history of Canadian Prime Ministers. This has led to some interesting discoveries! I’ve included some of the more interesting and strange – as well as some of the more infamous – examples of Canadian Prime Ministers. I hope you enjoy it.
Please feel free to leave a response and share who your favourite Prime Minister is.
Sir John A. McDonald:
- Served two terms; the first Canadian Prime Minister from 1867-1873, and a second stint from 1878 – 1891.
- One of the Fathers Of Confederation.
- Enjoyed drinking. Heavily. Often. Sometimes naked, when he would yell to his enemies, “Bring it, bitches.”
- Born in Scotland, which may explain the drinking.
- Progenitor of the trans-Canada railway.
(Sir John A. McDonald enjoyed sunsets, long walks on the beach and parties.)
Sir John Abbott:
- 3rd Prime Minister of Canada.
- Nobody fucking cares about John Abbott.
(Who is this guy?)
- Little known fact that Marx was Prime Minister in 1933. Ruled under the name Rufus T. Firefly.
- Changed the name of country from Canada to Freedonia.
- Forced Freedonia into a war with fictional country, Sylvania. Hilarity ensued.
- Wields a mean Stradivarius.
- Excerpt from cabinet meeting:
- Minister of Finance: Here is the Treasury Department’s report, sir. I hope you’ll find it clear.
Rufus T. Firefly: Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.
[to Bob Roland]
Rufus T. Firefly: Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.
(Mr. Marx had the reputation that he would do anything, or anyone, for power.)
William Lyon Mckenzie King:
- Served as Prime Minister on three different occasions; 1921-1926, 1926-1930, 1935-1948, thus winning the Triple Crown of Canadian politics. His award was a free extra large double-double at Tim Hortons.
- It’s good to be king.
- Introduced old-age pensions.
- Prime Minister during WWII. Claims he single-handedly beat Hitler at a game of crokonole, thus ending the war.
(The Lyon King also wore a crown as World Crokonole Champion from 1941 – 1946)
Lester B. Pearson:
- Prime Minister from 1963-1968.
- Won Nobel Peace Prize in 1957 for role in ending the Suez Crises by introducing crokoonole to the Middle East.
- President of 7th session of the United Nation’s General Assembly.
- Brought many programs to Canada, including; universal health care, Canadian pension plan and full nudity strip clubs.
- Approved the current Canadian flag.
- Created world’s first race-free immigration system, leading to the establishment of a UFO landing dock at St. Paul, Alberta.
(Lester Pearson established the first inter-galactic immigration system.)
- 1979-1980 (9 months)
- Joe who?
(Historians remain baffled.)
- 1993 (4 months)
- First woman Prime Minister.
- Last woman Prime Minister.
(Kim Campbell once said that she only served as Prime Minister for four months because she was able to accomplish everything she set out to do in that time. It might be true.)
- Has served as Canadian leader intermittently, according to hard-core religious American conservatives.
- Dresses exclusively in red. Obvious sign of communist leanings.
- Allows gay rights. Plans to introduce inter-species marriages.
- Free medical care is just a scam to bankrupt the country as well as the citizen’s morals.
- Wants to change name of country to Kanuckistan.
(Satan often gets a bad rep, but he has quality leadership capabilities. He’s not afraid to get the job done, by any means necessary.)