Great Canadian Moustaches

Whew.  I’ve just spent an exhaustive five-minutes researching the bounty that is the webernet to bring to you, Dear Reader, a history of Great Canadian Moustaches.

I know!  I’m very excited as well.

Let’s get to it:

Coureur des Bois:

The Coureur des Bois were French fur traders in 17th century North America.  They began to disappear in the early part of the 18th century due to being over trapped for their luxurious moustaches, which brought in great sums of money on the European market.

Sam Steele:

Sam Steele was the most rugged of men, in an era when rugged men were a dime a dozen, which was actually considered expensive back in the late 1800’s.  Steele was one of the original North West Mounted Police, and he could subdue bad guys by a quick moustache upside the head.  Steele is credited with maintaining a high level of peace during the Klondike Gold Rush, mainly due to his no-nonsense attitude, and threat of irritated skin due to moustache rubbing.

Burton Cummings:

As the leader of the Guess Who, Cummings and his moustache took the music industry by storm with the song, American Woman.  Even Americans enjoyed the song, proving that they can take a joke.

Lanny McDonald:

Lanny, you may have won a Cup with the Calgary Flames, but you will always be a Maple Leaf to your Toronto fans.  Calgarians never appreciated your moustache as much as we did  in Toronto.  Oh, the things that must have gotten caught in your moustache!  Immaculate.

Wendel Clark:

Where would Leaf fans of the 80’s and early 90’s have been without Wendel Clark?  Drunk in the gutter, I’m sure.

He could score, he could fight, and his body checks were always the most spectacular.  Wendel’s moustache was just icing on an already delicious and hairy cake.

Alex Trebek:

The King of Trivia used to have a different title:  King of Hairy-lipped Men.  Unfortunately he shaved his moustache in 2001, and now he is only the King of Non-moustached Trivia.

Jack Layton:

The only reason Jack Layton is as popular as he is in Canada is due to his moustache.  It is a well known fact that he made it to the top of the NDP by throwing his moustache shurikin style at his opponents.  Eventually no one wanted to debate him, and thus he was elected leader of his party.  True story.

McTowelie:

*cough*

Canadian Amoeba:

It is universally acknowledged that Canadian Amoeba has the greatest Amoeba-based moustache in the history of Amoeba moustaches.  And, yes, he does wax it.

Hockey Fights Explained

The recent death of a Senior A hockey player in Ontario as the result of a fight gone wrong (the player hit his head on the ice at the end of the fight) has sparked a lot of discussion about the role of fighting in hockey.    Fight apologists claim that it is an important part of the sport, while the anti-fighting contingent claims that hockey would be an even better game without fisticuffs.

As a service to the public I have undertaken to explain the reasons why fights happen in hockey.  Using amoebas, of course.

(The International Amoeba Hockey League hosts some of the most competitive protist hockey in the world.)

1.  Passion.

Hockey is played at a great speed and body contact is inevitable.  This coupled with a high level of intensity can lead to fights, even amongst players who don’t usually drop the gloves and exchange knuckle imprints.  Fights of passion usually occur in the corners of the rink, or in front of the nets, as these are the areas where the most intense contests for puck possession happen.

(Fights often occur when too many players try to squeeze themselves into a small space.)

2. Revenge.

Revenge fights happen when a member of an opposing team has injured or tried to injure one of your teammates.  The next time you play against the offending party, it is expected that a member of your team – usually one of your enforcers – will exact revenge.

(Revenge fights can be nasty.)

3.  It’s a Dirty Job.

Many teams will employ a player whose main role is that of the enforcer, or goon.  These players excel at fighting and, usually, little else.  Their sole purpose and reason for being on the team is to fight the other teams enforcer when needed.

These players are considered protectors for the more skilled players – exacting revenge (see above) if an opposing player tries to hurt one of their team’s stars.  Enforces will also engage the other team’s tough guys in fights if their team’s energy is low.  Some pundits believe that this kind of fight can reinvigorate a team that is losing and help to change the momentum of the game.  Other people think that these people are nuts.

(Enforcers tend to be big.)

Canadian Prime Ministers

Back to the roots of Canadian Fermentation!  I have recently started some exhaustive research into the history of Canadian Prime Ministers.  This has led to some interesting discoveries!  I’ve included some of the more interesting and strange – as well as some of the more infamous – examples of Canadian Prime Ministers. I hope you enjoy it.

Please feel free to leave a response and share who your favourite Prime Minister is.

Sir John A. McDonald:

• Served two terms; the first Canadian Prime Minister from 1867-1873, and a second stint from 1878 – 1891.
• One of the Fathers Of Confederation.
• Enjoyed drinking.  Heavily.  Often.  Sometimes naked, when he would yell to his enemies, “Bring it, bitches.”
• Born in Scotland, which may explain the drinking.
• Progenitor of the trans-Canada railway.

(Sir John A. McDonald enjoyed sunsets, long walks on the beach and parties.)

Sir John Abbott:

• 3rd Prime Minister of Canada.
• Nobody fucking cares about John Abbott.

(Who is this guy?)

Groucho Marx:

• Little known fact that Marx was Prime Minister in 1933.  Ruled under the name Rufus T. Firefly.
• Changed the name of country from Canada to Freedonia.
• Forced Freedonia into a war with fictional country, Sylvania.  Hilarity ensued.
• Wields a mean Stradivarius.
• Excerpt from cabinet meeting:
  
• Minister of Finance: Here is the Treasury Department’s report, sir. I hope you’ll find it clear.
  Rufus T. Firefly: Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.
  [to Bob Roland]
  Rufus T. Firefly: Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(Mr. Marx had the reputation that he would do anything, or anyone, for power.)

William Lyon Mckenzie King:

• Served as Prime Minister on three different occasions; 1921-1926, 1926-1930, 1935-1948, thus winning the Triple Crown of Canadian politics.  His award was a free extra large double-double at Tim Hortons.
• It’s good to be king.
• Introduced old-age pensions.
• Prime Minister during WWII.  Claims he single-handedly beat Hitler at a game of crokonole, thus ending the war.

(The Lyon King also wore a crown as World Crokonole Champion from 1941 – 1946)

Lester B. Pearson:

• Prime Minister from 1963-1968.
• Won Nobel Peace Prize in 1957 for role in ending the Suez Crises by introducing crokoonole to the Middle East.
• President of 7th session of the United Nation’s General Assembly.
• Brought many programs to Canada, including; universal health care, Canadian pension plan and full nudity strip clubs.
• Approved the current Canadian flag.
• Created world’s first race-free immigration system, leading to the establishment of a UFO landing dock at St. Paul, Alberta.

(Lester Pearson established the first inter-galactic immigration system.)

Joe Clark:

• 1979-1980 (9 months)
• Joe who?

(Historians remain baffled.)

Kim Campbell:

• 1993 (4 months)
• First woman Prime Minister.
• Last woman Prime Minister.

(Kim Campbell once said that she only served as Prime Minister for four months because she was able to accomplish everything she set out to do in that time.  It might be true.)

Satan:

• Has served as Canadian leader intermittently, according to hard-core religious American conservatives.
• Dresses exclusively in red.  Obvious sign of communist leanings.
• Allows gay rights.  Plans to introduce inter-species marriages.
• Free medical care is just a scam to bankrupt the country as well as the citizen’s morals.
• Wants to change name of country to Kanuckistan.

(Satan often gets a bad rep, but he has quality leadership capabilities.  He’s not afraid to get the job done, by any means necessary.)

Redux: An Apple A Day…

Time for another Post From The Depths Of Oblivion, also known as Previously Published Posts From Canadian Fermentation.

I have to admit that I really like this post.  Don’t you find apples inherently hilarious?

This Post of Awesomeness, as I like to call it, developed in a totally different way than most entries.  Usually a core idea starts to buzz around my brain, prompting me to write something generally related to the idea.

In this case, though, it was a phrase.  Specifically it was the phrase, “An apple a day keeps the prostitutes away,” that started the ball rolling.  For the life of me I can’t remember how I came up with that phrase, I think I was eating an apple at the time, but I found it quite hilarious and determined that a Canadian Fermentation post must be created with that phrase as the center piece.

Somehow.

At first I considered writing something about prostitutes, because, lets face it, they have a much greater inherent comedic value than apples, but, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, I really dislike making posts about hookers.  Hate it.  Seriously.

That left me with only one choice: to create a post about apples.   Not knowing anything about apples, I visited the Ontario Apple Growers Website and noticed that many apples have interesting names.  After that the post pretty much wrote itself.

Here it is in all its glory, An Introduction To Ontario’s Apples, with some minor edits.

——————————————————————————

You may be familiar with the saying, “An apple a day keeps the prostitutes away.” This is a good saying. Prostitutes are often carriers of disease, and if you happen to catch a disease from a prostitute you might end up going to a doctor to get some medicine.

I guess the saying could go, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away because it stops you getting syphilis from a prostitute” but it just isn’t as concise as the original and belabors the point.

Ontario is apple country. Because of this you might think that there are no hookers in Ontario, but in actual fact many women here are involved in this industry. I guess you can’t really trust folksy sayings for accuracy all the time.

You might want to eat an apple while you read this post because then it will feel like you are actually living inside of the internet.

Unless otherwise stated, all apple pictures are from the Ontario Apple Growers website.

Northern Spy: Available from October to May, this apple is a favorite for use in pies containing apple. Although the name conjures up images of stealth and sabotage, the Northern Spy is actually quite peaceful and non-partisan. In fact, during the infamous Apple Wars of the 1930’s, the Northern Spy maintained its neutrality and did not become involved in assisting either side in the conflict.

Empire: This ominous sounding apple is available from October through July. It has been known to be ‘slightly tart’ and ‘juicy’ at times, but for the most part is pretty amiable. You don’t find Empires around much any more, as they have become unacceptable. American politicians still seem to enjoy them, though, although they call them by a different name.

McIntosh: The McIntosh was first coded in the 1800’s to be the perfect apple. Unfortunately computers didn’t exist in the 1800’s so all that code went to waste. Luckily scientists found an alternate use for the McIntosh when they discovered that it was edible. Since then the McIntosh has been a favorite sauce and pie apple.

(photo from Webster’s Online Dictionary)

Road Apples: You might think that Road Apples look disgusting. This is because they are disgusting.  I don’t recommend baking Road Apples in a pie, or turning them into sauce. You probably shouldn’t step on them either, because then people will start complaining that they smell Road Apples and whine about how disgusting it is.  In fact, you should probably avoid road apples altogether.  It is for the best.

Spartan: Spartans are best when kept away from the opulence of the modern kitchen. The flagrant extravagance of today’s kitchens can upset the Spartans and cause them to declare war on you. They will then set up a defensive position in the narrowest part of your house. Once this happens it is almost impossible to dislodge them.

How To Stimulate The Economy

I recently spent time trying to figure out a way  I could  help stimulate the economy.  All the experts say that the best thing for me to do is  spend lots of money buying things I don’t need.   We need to keep the wheels of the economy greased.  Or is that greasy?

I spent the weekend looking around my place  figuring out what old, useless items I could replace.  One thing kept coming to my attention: the cats.

My cats are older models and, quite frankly, aren’t running with the pep that they used to have. I know cats sleep a lot, but twenty-three and a half hours per day?  That seems a little excessive even by cat standards.  It was obviously time for some new, younger, more modern cats in this household.

“Out with the old and in with the new,” is our civilizations battle cry, after all.

(Many people ask me what it means when cats expose their bellies.  They seem to think that it means that the cats are comfortable with their environment.  Actually, it means that your cats are mentally handicapped and have forgotten which way is up.  It is time for a new cat.)

As anyone who has  delved into cat acquirement knows, the first step is to decide on the model of cat you wish to purchase.  Personally, I have a soft spot for the Asian models – such as a Balinese, Japanese bobtail or something from the Hello Kitty line – as they tend to run longer on less food than North American cats.  Check out this video that  shows the ease of maintenance that is required of Japanese cats:

I began by checking the classified section of my local newspaper.  What a disappointment.  Most of the ads were for free cats, which defeated the purpose of obtaining new cats in order to stimulate the economy.  I noticed, though, that there were several ads for exotic models, such as Main Coons selling for $500.  Main Coons are a little more cat that I’m used to, but they have a solid body and are able to take a lot of wear and tear.  I called the number and inquired how much they would give me for trade-in.  They laughed.

Apparently cat breeders don’t take trades.  They informed me that there is no money in the second-hand cat market.

I was shocked.

This threw a monkey-wrench into my plans.  Five-hundred dollars was more than I  planned on spending for my new cats.

Next, I went to the animal shelter and asked the man at the front desk to see his newest models.  After giving me a questioning look he took me to a large room of shelves filled with cats.

There were a lot of second-hand cats available, and although I was not as interested in that market, I have to admit that some of the used cats were in good shape!  Plenty of the used cats had been previously owned for less than a year – I assumed that meant that the original owners could no longer afford payments and the cats had been repossessed.

(When your cat starts to become unfocused, it might be time to consider a new model.)

I noticed a couple of kittens in one of the display cases and immediately fell in love.  One was a long-haired black kitty with big, green eyes, while the second one was a short-haired orange, sporty looking model.

It was time to negotiate.  I feigned disinterest so that my opponent wouldn’t suspect my true desire.

“They are a little small,” I said.  “How fast do they run?”

“Oh, you know, they’re quick little buggers,” he responded.  “You’ve gotta keep an eye on them.”

“Hmm.  I don’t know.  Are they good to take off-road?”

“What?  What do you mean, off-road?”

“You know, like on road trips.  Do they travel well?”

“Uh.  I don’t know.  How would I know that?”

“I just assumed you would know your stock.”  I gave a sigh, and let my eyes wander over some other cats hoping that the attendant would think I was losing interest.  He was good at his job, unfortunately, and stood his ground.

“We prefer to find a home that will take both of these guys.  They are so attached to each other that it would be a shame to separate them.  Would that work for you?”

I shrugged.  “I suppose that would work.”  I yawned.  It was time to get to the nitty-gritty of the negotiations.  “I already have two cats that I’m looking to trade-in.  How much do you think I could get for them?  I’d have to get enough to make the price of these two reasonable in order to make a deal here today.  I’ve got my eye on a hot tabby at one of your competitors and they are willing to knock 50% off the price if I trade them my old cats.  Can you match that?”

The attendant stared at me for several moments – I assumed he was contemplating my offer – before responding.  “Uh, let me get this straight.  You’re trying to replace your old cats with a couple of kittens?  That’s just not right!”

I grinned.  “Ahh, you got me. What I’m really trying to do is stimulate the economy by spending money on some new cats, but I can’t afford the prices.  I was hoping to get a discount by trading in my old cats.  Think you can help me out here?  I’d really like to take these two off your hands.”

The attendant cleared his throat.  “Well…uh…that’s a…uh…great idea, but we don’t take trade ins.  When people get cats it should be for life.  Some people are irresponsible and leave their cats behind when they move and force their former pets to become strays, or they abandon them at shelters for both good and not-so-good reasons.  That’s where most of these cats come from.  Sometimes people don’t realize the commitment it takes to care for animals, and they lose interest.  Some of these cats were Christmas presents for young children, and the parents have no clue as to what it takes to be a responsible pet owner.  They figure it’s a cat and cats don’t require much care, so it will be easy.  They soon realize that cats do require care, and it takes money, time and commitment to give the cats a good life.  You should never get someone a cat as a present, especially kids, unless you are sure that they want to have a cat live with them, and they are able to care for the cat properly.“

(New cats may look like they are easy to maintain, but actually take a lot of work.  Kitten-evil is a much more intense type of evil than regular evil.  Adult cats usually have a little less evil motivating their behaviour, but take just as much attention.)

“Sounds good,” I said, having blanked-out half way through this fella’s speech.  “So you won’t give me anything for my cat’s then?”

“No, no trade-ins”

I nodded.  This changed things, but  I was still determined to stimulate the economy.  “Well, how much do these new cats cost?”

“It’s all by donation.  You decide how much you want to pay.  We mostly just want to find these guys a good home.  They are expensive to upkeep, though, so as much as you can give would be great.”

I decided that it was my duty to spend some money.  Since I really didn’t need four cats I made a donation to the cat shelter instead, and left the kittens where they were.  The attendant said that this was probably a good idea.  I wrote a check and headed back home.

I walked in my door and noticed that the old, useless cats were asleep on the couch.  I put a handful of treats between them, figuring that they would notice when they woke up and  might wonder if Santa had visited and left them presents.  Unfortunately the fat one woke up first and ate all the treats before the skinny one could get any.   I guess that’s why he’s the skinny one.