Great Canadian Moustaches

Whew.  I’ve just spent an exhaustive five-minutes researching the bounty that is the webernet to bring to you, Dear Reader, a history of Great Canadian Moustaches.

I know!  I’m very excited as well.

Let’s get to it:

Coureur des Bois:

The Coureur des Bois were French fur traders in 17th century North America.  They began to disappear in the early part of the 18th century due to being over trapped for their luxurious moustaches, which brought in great sums of money on the European market.

Sam Steele:

Sam Steele was the most rugged of men, in an era when rugged men were a dime a dozen, which was actually considered expensive back in the late 1800’s.  Steele was one of the original North West Mounted Police, and he could subdue bad guys by a quick moustache upside the head.  Steele is credited with maintaining a high level of peace during the Klondike Gold Rush, mainly due to his no-nonsense attitude, and threat of irritated skin due to moustache rubbing.

Burton Cummings:

As the leader of the Guess Who, Cummings and his moustache took the music industry by storm with the song, American Woman.  Even Americans enjoyed the song, proving that they can take a joke.

Lanny McDonald:

Lanny, you may have won a Cup with the Calgary Flames, but you will always be a Maple Leaf to your Toronto fans.  Calgarians never appreciated your moustache as much as we did  in Toronto.  Oh, the things that must have gotten caught in your moustache!  Immaculate.

Wendel Clark:

Where would Leaf fans of the 80’s and early 90’s have been without Wendel Clark?  Drunk in the gutter, I’m sure.

He could score, he could fight, and his body checks were always the most spectacular.  Wendel’s moustache was just icing on an already delicious and hairy cake.

Alex Trebek:

The King of Trivia used to have a different title:  King of Hairy-lipped Men.  Unfortunately he shaved his moustache in 2001, and now he is only the King of Non-moustached Trivia.

Jack Layton:

The only reason Jack Layton is as popular as he is in Canada is due to his moustache.  It is a well known fact that he made it to the top of the NDP by throwing his moustache shurikin style at his opponents.  Eventually no one wanted to debate him, and thus he was elected leader of his party.  True story.

McTowelie:

*cough*

Canadian Amoeba:

It is universally acknowledged that Canadian Amoeba has the greatest Amoeba-based moustache in the history of Amoeba moustaches.  And, yes, he does wax it.

Canadian Prime Ministers

Back to the roots of Canadian Fermentation!  I have recently started some exhaustive research into the history of Canadian Prime Ministers.  This has led to some interesting discoveries!  I’ve included some of the more interesting and strange – as well as some of the more infamous – examples of Canadian Prime Ministers. I hope you enjoy it.

Please feel free to leave a response and share who your favourite Prime Minister is.

Sir John A. McDonald:

• Served two terms; the first Canadian Prime Minister from 1867-1873, and a second stint from 1878 – 1891.
• One of the Fathers Of Confederation.
• Enjoyed drinking.  Heavily.  Often.  Sometimes naked, when he would yell to his enemies, “Bring it, bitches.”
• Born in Scotland, which may explain the drinking.
• Progenitor of the trans-Canada railway.

(Sir John A. McDonald enjoyed sunsets, long walks on the beach and parties.)

Sir John Abbott:

• 3rd Prime Minister of Canada.
• Nobody fucking cares about John Abbott.

(Who is this guy?)

Groucho Marx:

• Little known fact that Marx was Prime Minister in 1933.  Ruled under the name Rufus T. Firefly.
• Changed the name of country from Canada to Freedonia.
• Forced Freedonia into a war with fictional country, Sylvania.  Hilarity ensued.
• Wields a mean Stradivarius.
• Excerpt from cabinet meeting:
  
• Minister of Finance: Here is the Treasury Department’s report, sir. I hope you’ll find it clear.
  Rufus T. Firefly: Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.
  [to Bob Roland]
  Rufus T. Firefly: Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(Mr. Marx had the reputation that he would do anything, or anyone, for power.)

William Lyon Mckenzie King:

• Served as Prime Minister on three different occasions; 1921-1926, 1926-1930, 1935-1948, thus winning the Triple Crown of Canadian politics.  His award was a free extra large double-double at Tim Hortons.
• It’s good to be king.
• Introduced old-age pensions.
• Prime Minister during WWII.  Claims he single-handedly beat Hitler at a game of crokonole, thus ending the war.

(The Lyon King also wore a crown as World Crokonole Champion from 1941 – 1946)

Lester B. Pearson:

• Prime Minister from 1963-1968.
• Won Nobel Peace Prize in 1957 for role in ending the Suez Crises by introducing crokoonole to the Middle East.
• President of 7th session of the United Nation’s General Assembly.
• Brought many programs to Canada, including; universal health care, Canadian pension plan and full nudity strip clubs.
• Approved the current Canadian flag.
• Created world’s first race-free immigration system, leading to the establishment of a UFO landing dock at St. Paul, Alberta.

(Lester Pearson established the first inter-galactic immigration system.)

Joe Clark:

• 1979-1980 (9 months)
• Joe who?

(Historians remain baffled.)

Kim Campbell:

• 1993 (4 months)
• First woman Prime Minister.
• Last woman Prime Minister.

(Kim Campbell once said that she only served as Prime Minister for four months because she was able to accomplish everything she set out to do in that time.  It might be true.)

Satan:

• Has served as Canadian leader intermittently, according to hard-core religious American conservatives.
• Dresses exclusively in red.  Obvious sign of communist leanings.
• Allows gay rights.  Plans to introduce inter-species marriages.
• Free medical care is just a scam to bankrupt the country as well as the citizen’s morals.
• Wants to change name of country to Kanuckistan.

(Satan often gets a bad rep, but he has quality leadership capabilities.  He’s not afraid to get the job done, by any means necessary.)

How To Stimulate The Economy

I recently spent time trying to figure out a way  I could  help stimulate the economy.  All the experts say that the best thing for me to do is  spend lots of money buying things I don’t need.   We need to keep the wheels of the economy greased.  Or is that greasy?

I spent the weekend looking around my place  figuring out what old, useless items I could replace.  One thing kept coming to my attention: the cats.

My cats are older models and, quite frankly, aren’t running with the pep that they used to have. I know cats sleep a lot, but twenty-three and a half hours per day?  That seems a little excessive even by cat standards.  It was obviously time for some new, younger, more modern cats in this household.

“Out with the old and in with the new,” is our civilizations battle cry, after all.

(Many people ask me what it means when cats expose their bellies.  They seem to think that it means that the cats are comfortable with their environment.  Actually, it means that your cats are mentally handicapped and have forgotten which way is up.  It is time for a new cat.)

As anyone who has  delved into cat acquirement knows, the first step is to decide on the model of cat you wish to purchase.  Personally, I have a soft spot for the Asian models – such as a Balinese, Japanese bobtail or something from the Hello Kitty line – as they tend to run longer on less food than North American cats.  Check out this video that  shows the ease of maintenance that is required of Japanese cats:

I began by checking the classified section of my local newspaper.  What a disappointment.  Most of the ads were for free cats, which defeated the purpose of obtaining new cats in order to stimulate the economy.  I noticed, though, that there were several ads for exotic models, such as Main Coons selling for $500.  Main Coons are a little more cat that I’m used to, but they have a solid body and are able to take a lot of wear and tear.  I called the number and inquired how much they would give me for trade-in.  They laughed.

Apparently cat breeders don’t take trades.  They informed me that there is no money in the second-hand cat market.

I was shocked.

This threw a monkey-wrench into my plans.  Five-hundred dollars was more than I  planned on spending for my new cats.

Next, I went to the animal shelter and asked the man at the front desk to see his newest models.  After giving me a questioning look he took me to a large room of shelves filled with cats.

There were a lot of second-hand cats available, and although I was not as interested in that market, I have to admit that some of the used cats were in good shape!  Plenty of the used cats had been previously owned for less than a year – I assumed that meant that the original owners could no longer afford payments and the cats had been repossessed.

(When your cat starts to become unfocused, it might be time to consider a new model.)

I noticed a couple of kittens in one of the display cases and immediately fell in love.  One was a long-haired black kitty with big, green eyes, while the second one was a short-haired orange, sporty looking model.

It was time to negotiate.  I feigned disinterest so that my opponent wouldn’t suspect my true desire.

“They are a little small,” I said.  “How fast do they run?”

“Oh, you know, they’re quick little buggers,” he responded.  “You’ve gotta keep an eye on them.”

“Hmm.  I don’t know.  Are they good to take off-road?”

“What?  What do you mean, off-road?”

“You know, like on road trips.  Do they travel well?”

“Uh.  I don’t know.  How would I know that?”

“I just assumed you would know your stock.”  I gave a sigh, and let my eyes wander over some other cats hoping that the attendant would think I was losing interest.  He was good at his job, unfortunately, and stood his ground.

“We prefer to find a home that will take both of these guys.  They are so attached to each other that it would be a shame to separate them.  Would that work for you?”

I shrugged.  “I suppose that would work.”  I yawned.  It was time to get to the nitty-gritty of the negotiations.  “I already have two cats that I’m looking to trade-in.  How much do you think I could get for them?  I’d have to get enough to make the price of these two reasonable in order to make a deal here today.  I’ve got my eye on a hot tabby at one of your competitors and they are willing to knock 50% off the price if I trade them my old cats.  Can you match that?”

The attendant stared at me for several moments – I assumed he was contemplating my offer – before responding.  “Uh, let me get this straight.  You’re trying to replace your old cats with a couple of kittens?  That’s just not right!”

I grinned.  “Ahh, you got me. What I’m really trying to do is stimulate the economy by spending money on some new cats, but I can’t afford the prices.  I was hoping to get a discount by trading in my old cats.  Think you can help me out here?  I’d really like to take these two off your hands.”

The attendant cleared his throat.  “Well…uh…that’s a…uh…great idea, but we don’t take trade ins.  When people get cats it should be for life.  Some people are irresponsible and leave their cats behind when they move and force their former pets to become strays, or they abandon them at shelters for both good and not-so-good reasons.  That’s where most of these cats come from.  Sometimes people don’t realize the commitment it takes to care for animals, and they lose interest.  Some of these cats were Christmas presents for young children, and the parents have no clue as to what it takes to be a responsible pet owner.  They figure it’s a cat and cats don’t require much care, so it will be easy.  They soon realize that cats do require care, and it takes money, time and commitment to give the cats a good life.  You should never get someone a cat as a present, especially kids, unless you are sure that they want to have a cat live with them, and they are able to care for the cat properly.“

(New cats may look like they are easy to maintain, but actually take a lot of work.  Kitten-evil is a much more intense type of evil than regular evil.  Adult cats usually have a little less evil motivating their behaviour, but take just as much attention.)

“Sounds good,” I said, having blanked-out half way through this fella’s speech.  “So you won’t give me anything for my cat’s then?”

“No, no trade-ins”

I nodded.  This changed things, but  I was still determined to stimulate the economy.  “Well, how much do these new cats cost?”

“It’s all by donation.  You decide how much you want to pay.  We mostly just want to find these guys a good home.  They are expensive to upkeep, though, so as much as you can give would be great.”

I decided that it was my duty to spend some money.  Since I really didn’t need four cats I made a donation to the cat shelter instead, and left the kittens where they were.  The attendant said that this was probably a good idea.  I wrote a check and headed back home.

I walked in my door and noticed that the old, useless cats were asleep on the couch.  I put a handful of treats between them, figuring that they would notice when they woke up and  might wonder if Santa had visited and left them presents.  Unfortunately the fat one woke up first and ate all the treats before the skinny one could get any.   I guess that’s why he’s the skinny one.

International Amoeba Battles: U.S.A Vs. China

Welcome back to International Amoeba Battles, formerly known as International Nature Battles.  The last match showed that Canadian and Australian Amoebas are able to put aside their differences and join forces to destroy and humiliate the innocent.  It was a good fight.

Today’s fight will have to be spectacular to match the excitement of the last battle.  Unfortunately it looks like a potential snoozer, as we have the experienced and deadly American Amoeba taking on Chinese Amoeba.  This is Chinese Amoeba’s first International Amoeba Battle appearance: a tough draw for a newcomer.

Chinese Amoeba has been training hard, though, and is expected to have a few surprises stored away in vacuoles.

Let’s get to the action!

On the left in the blue trunks, is American Amoeba.  On the right is a new comer to International Amoeba Battles, Chinese Amoeba.  Chinese Amoeba is wearing red trunks.  That is me in the bottom corner.  Once again I will be the referee.  For this battle I brought my hoes.  I thought they might enjoy the contest.

It is a quick start to the battle, with American Amoeba attempting a classic surround and isolate strategy.  A good move against an inexperienced opponent!  This should be a quick match.

Whoops.  Looks like American Amoeba over-extended and was not able to close the trap.  Chinese Amoeba manages to escape.

Oh my!  This could be bad.  American Amoeba appears worn out by his failed surround and isolate maneuver.  Let’s see how Chinese Amoeba takes advantage of this situation.

Interesting!  It looks like Chinese Amoeba is respecting the power of American Amoeba.  Chinese Amoeba is offering to loan American Amoeba  money so that American Amoeba can buy nutritious supplements to regain energy and continue the battle.  This is a classy move by Chinese Amoeba!

Now Chinese Amoeba is offering to sell American Amoeba some nutritious supplements, in exchange for the money previously loaned.  What a sportsamoeba!  Apparently the box also contains toys and other sundries to keep American Amoeba amused while recovering.  Chinese Amoeba claims that none of it is unnecessary crap. Chinese Amoeba also promises to sell it to American Amoeba for a better price than American Amoeba would be able to find from American made nutritional supplements.  American Amoeba agrees to the deal.

Chinese Amoeba respectfully retreats to the corner while American Amoeba ingests the supplements and waits for them to take affect.

Hmmmm…something doesn’t seem quite right.  It appears that the supplements are starting to expand out of control inside American Amoeba.

Oh, crap!  It looks like the nutritious supplements are still expanding.  They are expanding so much that American Amoeba is starting to break up.  Is Chinese Amoeba flipping American Amoeba the bird?  That’s not very nice.

What an upset!  Unbelievable.  Chinese Amoeba has defeated American Amoeba from the inside.  Chinese Amoeba celebrates victory by raising a couple of pseudopods into the air, before proceeding to injest the remnants of American Amoeba.  Gross.

Redux: Canadian Beer Experiment

As previously mentioned, in celebration of the upcoming one-year anniversary of Canadian Fermentation I have decided to edit and reintroduce some of my favourite early posts.  This was the fifteenth Canadian Fermentation post.  It helped define the future direction of Canadian Fermentation.

I’ve edited the intro to the experiment, but the body of the text remains the same, since I wrote it while actually conducting the experiment.  Editing the text would invalidate the important scientific findings. I have also added a picture.

Canadian Science

To Canadians, especially stereotypical Canadians, beer is more precious than ambrosia.  We like to think that beer from Canadian companies – whether or not they are owned by Canadian interests – is superior to the beer of other countries,  particularly American beer.  Although this may be true in a general sense – who could argue that Labatt’s product isn’t better than Bud? – these rules are thrown out when we talk about microbrews.

For many Canadians our national identity is tied to our appreciation and production of beer.  This fact led me to the question: Can drinking Canadian beer make a person feel more Canadian?

There was only one way to find out: experimentation.  For purely scientific purposes  I acquired a six-pack of Molson Canadian, and, by drinking it, would discover if I felt more Canadian. Here’s a beer by beer summary of my findings.

(Is there anything more beautiful than a bottle of beer with a picture of a red maple leaf on the label?)

Beer 1: Due to some previous experience with beer, I didn’t expect much after Beer 1. My expectations were met. I’m not a big fan of Molson Canadian in the first place, it’s an OK lager, but I’m not a big fan of lager in the first place. I wasn’t feeling very much more Canadian after my first beer. I wasn’t feeling any less Canadian either, though, so all in all the first beer has to be considered a success.

Beer 2: Beer 2 proved to be just as bland as beer 1. On the other hand I did start to feel…something. A slight thrill? A movement towards joy? A full bladder? All of the above, actually. Beer 2 was a good step, and I felt I was on the path towards feeling something, whether or not it was a feeling of being more Canadian was yet to be determined. On to beer 3.

Beer 3: Beer 3 was pretty kick-ass. Not only was I able to drink another beer, but Frosty the Snowman was also on T.V. That’s what I call ‘win-win’ — the best part was when the policeman swallowed the whistle. Also, in ‘Frosty’ there is a reference to Saskatoon. How cool and particularly relevant is that? After beer 3 did I feel more Canadian? I think so. My head was feeling a little lighter, and I started to care a little less about what people thought about me. No, wait, that sounds like I’m a little less Canadian. Crap. Never mind, let’s see what happens after Beer 4.

Beer 4: Before I realized it Beer 4 was gone. What the hell happened? Where did it go? Well, I know where it went, into my belly. And then my blood stream. But another great surprise was that Team America World Police was on TV, a movie I’ve been wanting to see for awhile. Sweet. So, do I feel more Canadian after drinking 4 Molson Canadians? Maybe slightly. I’m feeling a little more euphoric and quite proud, since Team America makes fun of American bravado and since according to some being Canadian means that you are NOT American. So maybe I should ask myself do I feel less American? Do I? Do I feel lucky, punk? Sure, what the hell.

Beer. 4.5: ‘Malignant narcissicm. hahahah.

Beer 5: The whole experience was great….until I saw the vomiting scene in Team America. Damn. Way to kill my buzz….

Beer 6: My bladder is full and I need to go pee but I’m still watching Team America. How long can I hold it for?? Wait, wait, pull it together. OK OK, let’s get focused and relevant. Does drinking Molson Canadian make me feel more Canadian? After six beers, I’ll have to say no, my bladder is full and that’s all I can think about. So, no. I’m not more Canadian. Unless having a full bladder makes you more Canadian, and I haven’t seen anyone claim that before.

Conclusions

I consider this experiment to be a success. It took considerable toll on my body, but for the sake of science it was worth it. I conclude that drinking Molson Canadian does not make me feel more Canadian, and since this is the most Canadian of beers — sort of since Molson is now  Molson Coors, an American company —  no matter how proud a Canadian is of his or her ability to drink a lot of Canadian beer that it does not make one feel more Canadian.

Here are some recommendations for future research: Imbibing a 12 pack of Molson Canadian. trying different brands of Canadian beer. Try a different form of alcohol, such as Canadian whiskey.