Canadian Nationalism: How Do We Know Who Is Best?

I think the Olympics and other sporting events are a pretty good way to measure how proud you should be of your country. I mean, obviously only good, worthy nations can win medals. Nations that don’t win medals should be shunned.

A better way to judge the standard of each nation, though, is by judging its babe-quality…

(Does your country have any worth? Find out by watching the next Miss Universe pageant.)

Canadian Sports: The New Olympics

As of writing this, Team Canada has yet to win a medal at the XXIX Olympics. The Canadian athletes have been very close in several events, but no one has been able to make it to the podium yet. This is very sad.

As a result of these circumstances I’ve decided to come up with some competitions in which Canadians would be competitive.  Hopefully we will see some of these as Olympic events in the future.

Bingo

Overview: Bingo is a simple game, and I’m sure most readers are familiar with it. Basically, players are given cards with the word B-I-N-G-O along the top, and columns of numbers under each letter. A caller randomly picks a ball from a tumbler, and calls out the letter and number that are printed on it. The first player to complete the required pattern wins.

Pros: Winning is based on absolutely no skill and is completely random. Canadian athletes have as much chance of wining as any other nation’s athletes.

Cons: Bingo does not make for exciting T.V.. Potential of a riot breaking out when ‘O-69’ is called.

(It is recommend that, for Bingo to be a successful Olympic sport, athletes wear sexy uniforms)

Proposition

Overview: This sport requires a playing field that mimics a city street scene. Players must make their way down the city street and ‘proposition’ individuals whom the athletes believe are hookers. Points are awarded for each correct proposition. Points are taken away for picking innocent citizens and the round ends if an athlete propositions an undercover police officer. Bonus points are awarded to competitors who are able to pick out the transvestite hooker.

Pros: All the hookers are pros, of course.

Cons: Proposition athletes are known for their irreverent attitudes and often show up to competitions drunk. This resulted in some unfortunate ‘incidents’ during the 2006 World Proposition Championships.

(Can you tell which one of these ‘hookers’ is an undercover cop? It’s one of the skills you need as a Proposition athlete.)

Speed Pet

Overview: This is a bi-species sport bringing humans and cats together in team competition. The goal of the sport is, through petting, to be the first team to have the cat purring. This is best accomplished by the human athletes vigorously petting the cat athletes along their backs. Catnip is considered a banned substance in this sport.

Pros: Speed Pet would be only the second bi-species competition in the Olympics, joining the equestrian events.

Cons: There is the potential that nations will genetically engineer ‘Super Speed-Pet Cats’ that start purring when looked at. This would make competition irrelevant.

(This is the traditional position for Speed Pet athletes.)

Seal Clubbing

Overview: Teams of athletes go into a designated area to hunt and club seals.

Pros: Canada has much experience in this sport already. Our athletes should be well prepared making it possible foe Canada to sweep the medals in this sport.

Cons: A difficult sport to televise due to the carnage. Likely to be protested by groups such as Greenpeace and PETA.

(Seal clubbing is a gruesome sport and not recommended for the faint of heart.)

Canadian Sports: Five-pin Bowling

Today was the opening ceremonies for the XXIX Summer Olympic Games. XXIX is ’29’ in roman numerals. The next Summer Olympics will be the the 30th, and will be represented as XXX. This will be known as the Adult Olympics.

One sport not represented in the Olympics, possibly because it is only played in Canada, is five-pin bowling. Five-pin bowling, much like the ‘normal’ ten-pin variety, requires the participant to knock down pins by the use of a ball. Other than that the two sports are vastly different. For example, five-pin bowling uses five pins, as opposed to the ten pins used in ten-pin bowling. This is probably why they are called five-pin and ten-pin bowling respectively.

The ball for five-pin bowling is also different. It is much smaller than the traditional ten-pin ball, so much so that you can hold the five-pin ball in one hand and there are no holes for the bowlers fingers. Some people–not mentioning any names–have been known to bowl overhand with a five-pin bowling ball. This behaviour usually upsets the owners of the bowling alley, and is generally frowned upon.

(A five-pin bowler and a five-pin bowling ball. I’ll let you figure out which one is which.)

In order to understand the sport of five-pin bowling better, I thought it best to examine the terminology used in this sport. I found the article on Wikipedia to have a good list of the terms that are particular to the sport. Unfortunately most of the definitions are wrong. Below I have listed the correct definitions.

• “Punch” – What you do to your opponent when the aren’t looking.
• “Plug” – What you suggest your opponent puts in his mouth when he starts trash talking.
• “Pick” – Each player is allowed one ‘pick’ per game. This is where you serrupticiously place a booger on your opponent’s ball. This action results in your opponent being ‘grossed out’ and will often cause them to flub their next shot.
• “Headpin” – If your opponent discovers you delivering a ‘pick’ they are then allowed to smack you upside the head with a bowling pin.
• “Chop” or “Chop-off” – What the winner of the game does to one of the losers fingers.
• “Split” – What the loser does immediately after the game to avoid the ‘Chop-off’.
• “Howie” – If your name is Howie you automatically get an additional 15 points.
• “10 the hard way” – What happens to a bowler who is found cheating. See “Punch” for further details.
• “Strike Out” – If a bowler scores a perfect game , they get to ‘strike out’ their opponent, often by use of a “Headpin” or “10 the hard way”.
• “Turkey” – Five-pin bowler’s favourite sandwich.
• “Clean game” – A game with no “Picks”.
• “Wood” – What a female five-pin bowler causes.

Great People in Canadian History: Ben Jo(h)nson

Ben Jonson was born June 11, 1572, in London, England.

A contemporary of Shakespeare, he is best known for his satirical plays, poetry and acting in the nude. Most of his works are still around and read by people who enjoy feeling superior through the reading of plays and poetry from the 1600’s. Some people even quote his work.

Ben Jonson died August 6, 1637. Historians aren’t sure what happened to him at this point, although some people speculate that he spent most of his time sunbathing in purgatory, or training to become a world-class sprinter. After disappearing from public view for over three-centuries he finally resurfaced in Falmouth, Jamaica in1961 as Ben Johnson.

Ben Johnson emigrated to Canada in 1976 and settled in my hometown, Scarborough, Ontario.

All the training during the centuries away from the public eye paid off and Ben was able to transform himself from a ‘man of letters’ to a ‘man of speed’. He managed to win the bronze medal for the 100 meter dash at the 1984 Olympic Games in Los Angeles and then, in brilliant fashion, he won the gold medal in the 1988 games in Seoul, Korea.

The entire nation of Canada celebrated this amazing victory for two days, until it was discovered that Ben Johnson was actually a black man from Jamaica, and not a witty writer from the 1600’s England. He was also on drugs. Performance enhancing drugs. Banned drugs.

The gold medal was stripped from him and Canada mourned.

Later that year Ben Johnson was spotted getting his car washed at a gas station in Scarborough, Ontario. I know this because I was there. Because I worked there. And I washed Ben Johnson’s car. I did a great job. The bastard didn’t even tip me.

And now you know. Knowledge is power. Use it wisely.