Canadian Conflict: Amoeba Battle

For the second installment of International Nature Battles, Canadian Fermentation has prepared an amazing contest between a couple of the most fearsome creatures that nature has evolved:  Amoebas.

Today, for your viewing pleasure, we have Canadian Amoeba Vs. Australian Amoeba.

Are you shivering with excitement yet? This match should prove to be a contest of strength, cunning and pseudopods.

Let’s get right to the battle:

Canadian Amoeba is in the red trunks on the left side of your screen, while Australian Amoeba is in the green trunks on the right side of your screen.  That is me in the bottom corner.  I’m the referee and will ensure that this contest is fair.

The action starts fast and furious!  Both warriors form pseudopods and try for a quick knock-out blow, hoping to make this a short contest.

Unfortunately, each champion, being an amoeba, is able to absorb the blow without any damage.  The battle remains even.

Oh no!!  What’s this?  Canadian Amoeba has pulled out a hockey stick.  I check the rule book to see if this is legal.  Unfortunately for Australian Amoeba we forgot to write a rule book before the battle.  Looks like the hockey stick is legal.  Tough break for Australian Amoeba.

Ah Ha!  Australian Amoeba is no slouch when it comes to shenanigans.  It appears that Australian Amoeba has brought a boomerang to the fight.  This should be good.

Wait a minute.  Apparently Swedish Amoeba has intervened in the battle and is calling for peace.  What’s going to happen next?

Uh oh.  Looks like Australian Amoeba and Canadian Amoeba have called a truce.  That’s bad news for Swedish Amoeba.

Yep.  Poor Swedish Amoeba.

Canadian Amoeba and Australian Amoeba decide to extend the truce and celebrate their victory.

Wow!  That totally did not turn out the way I thought it would.  Well done, Warrior Amoebas.  Well done.

Canadian Shanties: Barrett’s Privateers

Why are there only sea shanties?  Why not, say, land shanties?  Is saying “sea shanty” redundant?  These are important questions.

Best Shanty Ever:

Oh, the year was 1778,
( “How I wish I was in Sherbrook now!”)
A letter of mark came from the King
To the scummiest vessel I’d ever seen.

(CHORUS)
God damn them all!
I was told we’d cruise the seas for American gold.
We’d fire no guns, shed no tears.
I’m a broken man on a Halifax Peer,
The last of Barrett’s Privateers.

Well, Elcid Barrett cried the town
( “How I wish I was in Sherbrook now!”)
For twenty brave men all fisherman who
Would make for him the “Antelope’s” crew

(REPEAT CHORUS)

The “Antelopes” sloop was a sickening sight
( “How I wish I was in Sherbrook now!”)
She had a list to the port and her sails in rags
And the cook in the scuppers with the staggers and jags

(REPEAT CHORUS)

On the king’s birthday we put to sea
(“How I wish I was in Sherbrook now!”)
It was ninety one days to Montigo Bay
Pumping like madmen all the way

(REPEAT CHORUS)

On the ninety sixth day we sailed again
( “How I wish I was in Sherbrook now!”)
When a bloody great Yankee hove in sight
With our cracked four-pounders we made to fight.

(REPEAT CHORUS)

the Yankee lay low down with gold
( “How I wish I was in Sherbrook now!”)
She was broad and fat and loose in stays
But to catch her took the Antelope two whole days.

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Then at length we stood two cables away
( “How I wish I was in Sherbrook now!”)
Our cracked four-pounders made an awful din
But with one fat ball the Yank stove us in

(REPEAT CHORUS)

the Antelope shook and pitched on her side
( “How I wish I was in Sherbrook now!”)
Well Barrett was smashed like a bowl of eggs
And the Maintruck carried off both me legs.

(REPEAT CHORUS)

So here I sit in my twenty-third year
( “How I wish I was in Sherbrook now!”)
It’s been six years since I sailed away
And I just made Halifax yesterday

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Canadian Support: Vote Ahmnodt Heare.

Canadian Fermentation would like to officially announce our endorsement of Ahmnodt Heare for President of the United States of America.

Ahmnodt is a true American patriot and has run a fiscally sound campaign (total expense: $0.30).  It is a crime that he has not received more media attention.  I can only blame it on some kind of conspiracy.  Or possibly aliens.

Canadian Battle: Moose Vs. Kangaroo

In our first competition between the animals of the ruggedly beautiful Canadian wilderness and the barren wastelands of Australia, Canadian Fermentation has determined the outcome of a Moose vs Kangaroo battle.  Let’s take a look at our contestants:

MIGHTY MOOSE

V.S.

KRAZY KANGAROO

This battle – as I’m sure most battles between Australian and Canadian animals will turn out – was not much of a contest.

Size: Weighing in at over 200 lbs, and standing over 6 1/2 ft, the kangaroo may seem like an intimidating opponent;  that is until one stands beside a moose which can grow to 7 ft at the shoulder, and weigh almost 1, 400 lbs.  If that is not intimidating enough for you consider that the span across a moose antler is 6 ft.

Size advantage favours the moose.

Reach: Kangaroos are known for their boxing prowess which, you might think, gives them an advantage against a non-boxing prowessed type animal.   Unfortunately their boxing ability is vastly exaggerated.   Seriously, look at those tiny little Australian hands that the kangaroo has.  Do you really think that they could hurt the mighty hide of the Canadian moose?  Ha.  Drink another Fosters, my Australian friends.

Consider the size of the moose’s antlers and the limited reach of the kangaroo, the advantage has to go to the moose.

Speed: The kangaroos top speed is about 70 km/h – quite impressive for an Australian!  With all its bulk the moose is not the most maneuverable of animals, but can reach speeds of over 56 km/h.

We have no choice to admit that the kangaroo takes this category, which is a good think, I suppose.  With all that speed the kangaroo can easily run away after the moose kicks his ass.

Overall winner: The moose, of course.  Seriously, who would you rather fight?  A kangaroo or a moose?

Next battle: The next battle will be equally as interesting, and fair, as this one, I’m sure.  Keep an eye out for the awsomeness that is Koala bear vs Grizzly bear.

Canadian Curiosity: Who Won America’s Last Debate?

So, I’m logging into my wordpress account to see what’s a-happening over her at Canadian Fermentation (nothing was happening, in case you were wondering), on on the way here I noticed that the front page had a linke to a blog entry that said something like, “Who Won the Debate?  You Decide.”

I clicked on it, because I like a good laugh.  Usually it’s a bunch of partisan idiots spewing their vitriol about the opposition’s candidate.  There were something like twenty-thousand responses – very imperssive – so I decided that I wasn’t going to read them all.  I started reading from the top, and the first poster was somone slagging on Obama.

The second post, another anti-Obama diatribe.

The third post, against Obama.

Fourth…yep, again someone very angry at Obama.

What was happening?  I read through, maybe, the first twenty posts, and all of them were anti-Obama.  That’s when I scrolled back to the top of the page and discovered that it was the Fox News sight.

Whew.  I thought I was going crazy there for a moment.  Obama has opened up a huge lead, so I was wondering why there was all this anger towards him.  Good ‘ole Fox!  Fox never lets us down.