Archive for November, 2008
Welcome back to International Amoeba Battles, formerly known as International Nature Battles. The last match showed that Canadian and Australian Amoebas are able to put aside their differences and join forces to destroy and humiliate the innocent. It was a good fight.
Today’s fight will have to be spectacular to match the excitement of the last battle. Unfortunately it looks like a potential snoozer, as we have the experienced and deadly American Amoeba taking on Chinese Amoeba. This is Chinese Amoeba’s first International Amoeba Battle appearance: a tough draw for a newcomer.
Chinese Amoeba has been training hard, though, and is expected to have a few surprises stored away in vacuoles.
Let’s get to the action!
On the left in the blue trunks, is American Amoeba. On the right is a new comer to International Amoeba Battles, Chinese Amoeba. Chinese Amoeba is wearing red trunks. That is me in the bottom corner. Once again I will be the referee. For this battle I brought my hoes. I thought they might enjoy the contest.
Interesting! It looks like Chinese Amoeba is respecting the power of American Amoeba. Chinese Amoeba is offering to loan American Amoeba money so that American Amoeba can buy nutritious supplements to regain energy and continue the battle. This is a classy move by Chinese Amoeba!
Now Chinese Amoeba is offering to sell American Amoeba some nutritious supplements, in exchange for the money previously loaned. What a sportsamoeba! Apparently the box also contains toys and other sundries to keep American Amoeba amused while recovering. Chinese Amoeba claims that none of it is unnecessary crap. Chinese Amoeba also promises to sell it to American Amoeba for a better price than American Amoeba would be able to find from American made nutritional supplements. American Amoeba agrees to the deal.
Oh, crap! It looks like the nutritious supplements are still expanding. They are expanding so much that American Amoeba is starting to break up. Is Chinese Amoeba flipping American Amoeba the bird? That’s not very nice.
What an upset! Unbelievable. Chinese Amoeba has defeated American Amoeba from the inside. Chinese Amoeba celebrates victory by raising a couple of pseudopods into the air, before proceeding to injest the remnants of American Amoeba. Gross.
You know it’s going to be a good day when…
- Cat 1 wakes you up at 4 a.m being sick on your bed.
- You get out of bed to clean it up and step in a different pile of sick that Cat 2 has already strategically placed at the exact spot where he knew you would be putting your foot down as you rolled out of bed.
- While working on cleaning up the two piles of cat-sick, Cat 1 decides to target a stack of books for his second sicking of the morning.
- You rush over and push Cat 1 away from the books just as the cat lets loose, so that the puke spews out over a larger area than originally intended by Cat 1.
- Although Cat 1 is pleased at having puked all over your light-coloured carpet, he is pissed-off that you disrupted his original plan. He decides that you will not be allowed to sleep for the rest of the morning.
- Cat 1 starts chasing Cat 2 all over the place, including straight across your prone body, as you are laying in bed, trying to get another couple of hours of sleep before that damn alarm goes off.
- Although you know yelling at cats has absolutely no affect on their behaviour, you do it anyway. All the yelling does is make it less likely that you will fall back asleep anytime soon, as you are now totally wound-up.
- You vow to look up the number of the local animal shelter. You tell the cats about your plan. They appear unconcerned by your proposition.
- The alarm goes off. You haven’t been able to get back to sleep. You notice that both your cats are curled up at the foot of your bed, looking extremely comfortable and content.
(It has been scientifically proven that cats exist to torture humans.)
As previously mentioned, in celebration of the upcoming one-year anniversary of Canadian Fermentation I have decided to edit and reintroduce some of my favourite early posts. This was the fifteenth Canadian Fermentation post. It helped define the future direction of Canadian Fermentation.
I’ve edited the intro to the experiment, but the body of the text remains the same, since I wrote it while actually conducting the experiment. Editing the text would invalidate the important scientific findings. I have also added a picture.
To Canadians, especially stereotypical Canadians, beer is more precious than ambrosia. We like to think that beer from Canadian companies – whether or not they are owned by Canadian interests – is superior to the beer of other countries, particularly American beer. Although this may be true in a general sense – who could argue that Labatt’s product isn’t better than Bud? – these rules are thrown out when we talk about microbrews.
For many Canadians our national identity is tied to our appreciation and production of beer. This fact led me to the question: Can drinking Canadian beer make a person feel more Canadian?
There was only one way to find out: experimentation. For purely scientific purposes I acquired a six-pack of Molson Canadian, and, by drinking it, would discover if I felt more Canadian. Here’s a beer by beer summary of my findings.
(Is there anything more beautiful than a bottle of beer with a picture of a red maple leaf on the label?)
Beer 1: Due to some previous experience with beer, I didn’t expect much after Beer 1. My expectations were met. I’m not a big fan of Molson Canadian in the first place, it’s an OK lager, but I’m not a big fan of lager in the first place. I wasn’t feeling very much more Canadian after my first beer. I wasn’t feeling any less Canadian either, though, so all in all the first beer has to be considered a success.
Beer 2: Beer 2 proved to be just as bland as beer 1. On the other hand I did start to feel…something. A slight thrill? A movement towards joy? A full bladder? All of the above, actually. Beer 2 was a good step, and I felt I was on the path towards feeling something, whether or not it was a feeling of being more Canadian was yet to be determined. On to beer 3.
Beer 3: Beer 3 was pretty kick-ass. Not only was I able to drink another beer, but Frosty the Snowman was also on T.V. That’s what I call ‘win-win’ — the best part was when the policeman swallowed the whistle. Also, in ‘Frosty’ there is a reference to Saskatoon. How cool and particularly relevant is that? After beer 3 did I feel more Canadian? I think so. My head was feeling a little lighter, and I started to care a little less about what people thought about me. No, wait, that sounds like I’m a little less Canadian. Crap. Never mind, let’s see what happens after Beer 4.
Beer 4: Before I realized it Beer 4 was gone. What the hell happened? Where did it go? Well, I know where it went, into my belly. And then my blood stream. But another great surprise was that Team America World Police was on TV, a movie I’ve been wanting to see for awhile. Sweet. So, do I feel more Canadian after drinking 4 Molson Canadians? Maybe slightly. I’m feeling a little more euphoric and quite proud, since Team America makes fun of American bravado and since according to some being Canadian means that you are NOT American. So maybe I should ask myself do I feel less American? Do I? Do I feel lucky, punk? Sure, what the hell.
Beer. 4.5: ‘Malignant narcissicm. hahahah.
Beer 5: The whole experience was great….until I saw the vomiting scene in Team America. Damn. Way to kill my buzz….
Beer 6: My bladder is full and I need to go pee but I’m still watching Team America. How long can I hold it for?? Wait, wait, pull it together. OK OK, let’s get focused and relevant. Does drinking Molson Canadian make me feel more Canadian? After six beers, I’ll have to say no, my bladder is full and that’s all I can think about. So, no. I’m not more Canadian. Unless having a full bladder makes you more Canadian, and I haven’t seen anyone claim that before.
I consider this experiment to be a success. It took considerable toll on my body, but for the sake of science it was worth it. I conclude that drinking Molson Canadian does not make me feel more Canadian, and since this is the most Canadian of beers — sort of since Molson is now Molson Coors, an American company — no matter how proud a Canadian is of his or her ability to drink a lot of Canadian beer that it does not make one feel more Canadian.
Here are some recommendations for future research: Imbibing a 12 pack of Molson Canadian. trying different brands of Canadian beer. Try a different form of alcohol, such as Canadian whiskey.
That’s right, Dear Reader, it has almost been a year that Canadian Fermentation has been around. I know that Canadian Fermentation has finally made it to the consciousness of the world because I received my first real Moronic Commenter comment yesterday. It was actually two comments, but they were both so clearly posted by the same Moron that I can’t believe the person even bothered to make up two names by which to post the individual comments. I thought about saving them and making a post out of answering them, but it would have been like heading back to kindergarten and jumping in a boxing ring with the weakest kid in the class.
Still, I feel kinda honored that someone felt moved enough by Canadian Fermentation to write not just one, but two Moronic comments. They say you never forget your first, but I’ve found that not to be true, since I can no longer remember what brilliant words the commenter used. Even though, I’m touched.
Although the anniversary isn’t until the end of the month this is still exciting for me. To be totally honest I really didn’t think I would make it a year. For this fact alone I consider Canadian Fermentation to be a success.
But is it really a success?
Tough question to answer. Although the daily hits have grown considerably from the rate when this blog was started, it’s really all relative, and my hits are still quite minimal. That being said I’m happy and surprised that as many people find this site on a daily basis as my statistics indicate.
It’s also nice to have a few people that come around and make comments. Comments are nice. Feel free to comment even if it’s just a simple, “My god, you are so amazing and I love your blog and I can’t get enough of it and seriously I think I might love you because you’re just so funny and you make me laugh and I think you are the best and even though I”m not gay I’d like to have your babies and stuff so please never, ever stop writing Canadian Fermentation because I’ll just die if you do.”
Seriously, even if it’s something simple like that I’d love to hear from you.
So far I’ve made 131 posts, which equals slightly over two posts per week. I’m, honestly, a little disappointed in this number, as I’d hoped to make closer to three posts per week. It was not to be, unfortunately.
I’m also a little saddened that I do less research into Things Canadian than I had originally planned. Lately most of my posts are based on absolutely no research – or practical information – at all (see amoeba battle for an example). Canadian Fermentation was started to push myself to research and get to know Canada better than I do, and I no longer feel like I am holding up my end of the bargain. I will have to work harder with regards to research.
I like to think that I’ve made a few people chuckle here and there. Perhaps I’ve even introduced someone to a a new piece of information along the way and learned-them-good with regards to Canada or the world.
I’ve also posted a bunch of pictures of half-naked babes. Yay!
Anyway, I’ve been contemplating what to do to celebrate the upcoming anniversary. The best I’ve come up with so far is to edit and republish some of my earlier posts. I kinda like this idea because that means I don’t have to come up with new post, while still, technically, posting new material. I like to think of that as a win-win.
Thank you for reading. And keep your fingers crossed for another year of Canadian Fermentation as we strive to reach our goal of Global Domination, another year of posts. We’re humble.