Archive for March, 2008

I’ve Tried Cocaine

How’s that for a catchy title?

OK, I haven’t really tried coke, other than the cola kind, but I did have a dream about trying it. I can’t fathom why since I don’t think about cocaine, I have no interest in trying cocaine and I could care less about it. After this dream, though, I’m kinda curious. Should I try some cocaine?

I also dremnt about cream soda the past week. This I understand since I recently had a can of cream soda and it was very tasty. Since then I’ve had cream soda cravings, ergo the dream.

I also had a dream that I was in a subway train and it somehow sunk underwater. Things were going very badly for all involved when I woke up. Since then I’ve avoided the subway even though the Toronto subway doesn’t go over any water deep enough to sink in.

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March 27, 2008 at 1:16 am 1 comment

Dr. Emily Stowe: Battle Royale (part 2).

Suffering from burn out – you think kids today are rowdy – she applied to study medicine at the Toronto School of Medicine, which was associated with the University of Toronto. This institution was located in Toronto.

 

(Was the University of Toronto evil for not letting women study there?)

 

 

Realizing that Canada still wasn’t ready for new-fangled women doctors, she ended up studying medicine at the New York Medical College for Women. This institution was located in New York. She received her degree in 1867.

 

Upon graduating she returned to Toronto to set up her practice without procuring a professional license. In other words she was practicing medicine illegally. In 1879 she was charged and stood trial for performing an illegal abortion. After a lengthy trial she was acquitted.

 

In 1870 the University of Toronto finally caught up to the ‘modern’ age and allowed both Emily Stowe and Jenny Trout to attend classes. This may have been the first meeting between these two, and it wasn’t a happy one. They became bitter rivals.

 

(Could Jenny Trout beat up Emily Stowe?)

 

Jenny Trout and Emily received their degrees at the same time. Even though they were both women pioneers in the field of Canadian medicine, like most professional women they couldn’t agree on anything and were each others own worst enemy. Jenny believed that there should be a school specifically for women to study medicine, while Emily believed that equality should rule and women should acquire the same qualifications from the same schools as men did.The rivalry continues on to this day. Check out this video:

 

(Did Jenny Trout finance this video?)

 

What this video tells us is that Jenny Trout was the first woman to study medicine in Canada, with no mention of Emily Stowe. What I believe happened, based on absolutely no facts, is that Jenny Trout set aside an account to be used at an unspecified future date to finance a campaign of dis-information proclaiming her as the first woman to study medicine, while denying Emily Stowe’s place in history.

 

Could someone named Jenny have been this diabolical?

 

In 1880 the College of Physicians and Surgeons finally recognized Emily Stowe’s skills and grated her a license to legally practice her trade.

 

Stowe is perhaps best known for her contributions to the enfranchisement of women and as a fighter for equal rights. She devoted herself to promoting the intellectual advancement of women, improving the political access of women, as well as the right for women to form girl-bands that produce really crappy pop music.

 

She fought hard to win the vote for women. Look where that got us:

(Are women responsible for electing Prime Minister Stephen Harper?)

 

Emily Stowe is obviously a very important figure in Canadian History. Why don’t Canadians know more about her? The other night I was talking with my sister, who is a homeopathic doctor, as was Emily Stowe, and she hadn’t heard of her. This surprised me as I’ve always considered my sister to be knowledgeable about the women’s rights movement. What does this say about the way that Canadians treat our heroes?

March 25, 2008 at 10:58 pm 5 comments

Dr. Emily Stowe: She Wasn’t a Ho.

Many Canadians know the name Emily Stowe, but aren’t aware of her claim to fame. “Who the $!!@ is Emily Stowe?,” is a common question on many a second-grader’s lips.

 

(What are they teaching in our public schools?)

 

This is because, in Canada, we name our schools after our famous people and hero’s, and then neglect to teach our children about Canadian history. Why teach our young people about the history of our country when we can watch crappy American T.V., such as American Idol or programs about Gene Simmons?

(Would you rather have your children learn about Emily Stowe…)

 

(…or him?)

 

Born Emily Howard Jennings in 1831, Norwich Township of Upper Canada (Southern Ontario), she eventually became the first known woman of European ancestry to practice medicine in Canada, as well as the main catalyst for equal rights for women. Her parents had seven children, of which she was one.

 

By the age of fifteen she had gained employment as a school teacher in the neighbouring town of Summerville.

At the age of fifteen most of my time was spent in the pursuit of alcohol and the incessant performance of masturbation.

Emily worked as a teacher for seven years, which meant after over half a decade of working in a noble career she was only twenty-two years of age.

At the age of twenty-two I spent most of my time in the pursuit of alcohol and the incessant performance of masturbation.

binge-drinking.jpg

(Is this me dressed up as a hooker during one of my alcoholic binges?)

 

In 1852 she applied for admission to Victoria College in Coburg. Because she was a woman she was denied entrance into the school; the dean was heard mumbling something about ‘breasts’ and ‘anarchy’. This was only a temporary set back, though, as she then applied to the Normal School for Upper Canada and, in what can only be described as an atypical move, she was accepted.

After graduating in 1854 she became the Principle of a Brantford public school, where she was known as ‘Sufferance Stowe‘ due to her ability to stomach cafeteria food without any apparent ill effects.

(Emily Stowe found this dish to be ‘yummy’.)

 

In part two of this series we will examine her struggle to become a doctor in Canada: it is a tale fraught with controversy and intrigue. Don’t miss out!

March 18, 2008 at 5:58 pm 14 comments

Yes!!

I actually received a hit from the search engine term, ‘Leprechaun porn’.

Nice…..

Nice….

March 17, 2008 at 12:18 pm 3 comments

How Does It Know???

– June 11 –
You are stylish, friendly and funny. You have the potential to think deeply and rationally and you always have time for your friends. QuizGalaxy.com
Positive Traits:

imaginative, idealistic, persuasive, spiritual, intuitive

Negative Traits:

procrastination, sloth, sarcastic, laziness, temperamental

‘What does your Birthdate mean?’ at QuizGalaxy.com
Took this ‘quiz’ at Quiz Galaxy .  I have to say it’s pretty much got me down.  I don’t think I could do a better job describing myself.  It’s a little creepy, actually…

March 17, 2008 at 12:14 pm Leave a comment

Don’t Press!!

Check out this link

March 15, 2008 at 12:31 am Leave a comment

Revisionist History (part 3): The Final Truth!

This is the third and final installment of the epic, Revisionist History series. I know, you’re excited.

If you haven’t already, I suggest you read Part 1 and Part 2 before proceeding, otherwise you will think that I’m critically insane, rather than just insane.

Below are the entries from the pre-Confederation meeting in early 1864. I’ve edited the entries to maintain a concise record of the evening. My comments are in italics.

The most interesting and surprising thing about this journal, written in 1864, is the fact that the language is almost exactly the same as a modern writer might use. In fact, it’s easy to argue, if I hadn’t disclosed the date of the event you might be mistaken in believing that I had actually written the entries. Although I would very much like to take credit, unfortunately I can’t, as awesome and interesting as this journal is.

(What is this cat training for?)

**** Negotiations are going well. The wine is excellent and the food rich and fulfilling…cats seem to be getting along well. No fights. They are together in one of the empty rooms, sitting in a circle as if they are having their own meeting. Very cute! Cats are wonderful creatures, chock-full of surprises.

**** John A. is regaling the members with tales of his latest ‘conquests’. Tupper can’t shut-up about the god-damned trains. I have yet to see both John Hamilton Grey’s in the same room. One keeps leaving just before the other returns. It’s eerie. They do bare a striking resemblance to one another. By this candlelight I’d even be tempted to claim that they were twins. McGee chimes in every now and then saying that leprechauns are out to get him, leprechauns want a part in ruling any new nation that may be formed, and that if he hadn’t rented that safety deposit box in his bank, leprechauns would have stolen his lucky charms; poor bastard. Ambrose Shea is a strange one. He just sits in the corner and stare at all the other participants. It’s a little…creepy. He also smells like fish. Rotting fish.

**** Some of the cats broke into the kitchen and scared the knickers off of the kitchen staff. Several of the cats tried to get into the food that has been prepared for dinner, and it took the entire staff to shoo them away. Now the workers are complaining that several carving knives and cleavers are missing. I believe it’s just an excuse to cover up larceny by the staff. Once we find out who removed the implements they will be punished.

The journal continues on like this for several more pages, discussing the attendees various quirks, with the occasional cat observation thrown in; much like a modern day entertainment rag. All in all it appeared that the conference was going well.

Suddenly things took a turn for the worst! The first entry that indicates something has gone terribly wrong is as follows:

**** We’re locked in the master bedroom. Things have quieted down, but we are too wary to open the door. The level of fear is high; everyone is scared. They shoved a bloody glove under the door, which looked to be from the messenger we sent to deliver a note requesting help. Can only assume that the messenger has met a grisly end. He shall be remembered as a hero.

The writer continues to comment on the building tensions of the situation.

**** They have pushed a note under the door, demanding that they be given voice in the Confederation discussions. They have elected a leader and have written a manifesto outlining their demands. This is insane! They want to have a permanent member attached to any governing body that is elected to lead the new found country. This member is to have veto power. They also want the castration and spaying of all *page torn, remainder of entry missing*

As the hours pass several members are beginning to mentally crack. The consequences are clear; cats were directly responsible for the delay in P.E.I and Newfoundland’s entry into Confederation.

**** Ambrose Shea and one of the John Hamilton Grey’s — the one from P.E.I. — are in dire straits. If we survive this ordeal I’m afraid this incident may scare them away from Confederation. Both John A. — who managed to bring several bottles of liquor with him into the bedroom — and Darcy McGee are holding up grandly. They are a fine example of Canadian Moxie! Charles Tupper has been reduced to tears. He’s currently sitting in a corner sobbing about his trains. “I want my trains,” he says. “I can’t handle this without my trains.” John A. promises him trains if he guarantees that Nova Scotia will still commit to Confederation.

(Did Tupper have sex with this train?)

Then, something really exciting happens! Unfortunately several pages of the journal are torn and missing, so we will never know what it was:

**** Success! Tupper’s plan was brilliant. No one believed that his ‘Ghost Train’ would work, but it did. It was a stroke of genius that included Ambrose Shea striping naked before he…*section illegible*…one of the John Hamilton Grey’s made a dashing figure running for… *section illegible*…McGee sustained severe injury to his groin, but should survive…*section illegible*…the miscreants have been chained together. John A. swears they will stand trial for treason when he…*section illegible*…all is forgiven! We now understand why this event had to occur. Solid, logical reasoning. We see the need for them to have a voice in the direction of this new country. They shall form a ‘shadow government’ in perpetuity, and will work in conjunction with the sitting government to form workable laws upon which this country shall prosper…*section illegible*…all will be returning home now and agree to meet in Charlottetown during the first week of September. Agreement including Newfoundland and P.E.I still looks doubtful…*remainder of text illegible*.

Although cats weren’t mentioned as being directly responsible for the disruption to the meeting one can easily surmise from the above passages that they were, indeed, responsible. Who stole the missing knives and cleavers? Who killed the messenger? Who caused severe wounds to McGee’s groin? Who is in this ‘shadow government’ that is helping to create laws? This is serious stuff, people, and we need to find out!

Obviously it was the cats.

Sneaky cat. Is Sneaky.
(Obviously…)

Or possibly leprechauns.

(Is this guy really a leprechaun?)

March 14, 2008 at 5:40 pm 5 comments

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