Archive for July, 2008

Canadian Politics: The Fringe

This is a follow up to the previous post about Canada’s mainstream political parties.

There are a number of fringe political parties in Canada. Most of them are too small to even mention. Below are the three most recognized examples.

The Smoking Pot Party (SPP): The SPP have a very progressive platform, advocating for causes such as lower taxes and reformed health care. They decided to use the symbol of a smoking pot to represent the burning desire of party members to cook Canadian society into a paradise. Unfortunately the smoking pot symbol has led people to believe that they are a party advocating cannibalism. Party leaders are contemplating changing the symbol to a needle and a spoon, representing their passion for quality health care and their desire to provide food for all needy citizens.

(Originally the SPP was going to be known as the ‘Steaming Pot Party’. The founders realized that negative connotations could be associated with the word ‘Steaming’ and so the more benign word ‘Smoking’ was used to replace it.)

The Anti-Fur Party (AFP): The AFP are a one-issue party. Their sole purpose for existing is to outlaw men with hairy backs from taking their shirts off in public.

The Cirelleans:The Cirelleans have taken the political party concept to the extreme. They wear matching uniforms and all members are required to shave their head. All party members live in barracks located at different locations throughout Canada. Their platform is built around campaigning to increase the budget for space exploration.

(With the Cirelleans at the helm, Canada’s space program would be the world’s best.)

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July 25, 2008 at 12:34 am 4 comments

Canadian Politics: Introducing Canada’s Political Parties.

As long time readers of Canadian Fermentation know, this blog is extremely political. Every post here is an insightful missive on current political trends in Canada. Sure, it may seem like I’m writing about aliens and Ogopogo, or talking about poopy and hookers, but in reality each post is a sly and subtle jab at Canadian politicians. Go back and see if you can figure out which politicians I’m lampooning in each of my posts.

Since most non-Canadians have no idea what Canada’s political scene is like, I thought I would take the time to introduce the nations mainstream and lesser known political parties. This post is for mature readers only as some sentences contain adult situations and course language.

New Democrat Party (NDP): The NDP is the far-left Canadian party. The NDP are really a minor entity on the national scene. The party has won some provincial elections but nationally their best hope is that either the Liberals or the Conservatives will win a minority government, which allows them to have some say in framing the political discussion of the nation. Conservative Canadians like to claim that people who support the NDP smoke lots of pot and promote legalized prostitution (hookers). This is actually true.

(Would Snoop Dog support the NDP if he was Canadian?)

Liberal Party: The Liberals are, really, Canada’s centrist party, but, of course, all things are relative. The Liberal Party, although not as liberal as the NDP, are much more liberal than America’s Democratic Party–they make the Democrats look almost fascist. The Liberals represent the standard in Canadian politics, as, over the history of the nation, they have had the most success. Everyone hates them, though, because they tend to be shady and, due to their success, snobby. Unfortunately the other choices are even worse, so most people end up voting for them anyway. This is why most Canadians pour vodka on their cereal the morning of an election day.

Progressive Conservity Party (PC): The PC’s are the furthest-right mainstream Canadian political party. The PC’s, despite the obvious contradiction in their name, currently form a minority government. This means that they were not able to elect enough representatives to have the majority of elected officials in Parliament. Basically, what this means is that when the Liberals feel like they are ready for another election, they can call for a vote of non-confidence in Parliament, and, if it passes, another election will ensue. Right now the Liberals are a mess, so the PC’s are safe with their minority government. Canadian liberals believe that PC supporters all carry guns (despite stringent gun laws), and have rods up their collective asses.

(It is rumoured that Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, wears his suits to bed.)

Bloc Québécois: The Bloc are a bit of a Canadian conundrum. They are a party that competes in the national elections, but they only contest ridings in Quebec. Their main platform is independence for Quebec. For this they receive public funds from Canadian taxpayers–Canadian taxpayers from all across Canada. They obviously have never heard the saying, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you”.

The Green Party: The Green Party is slowly gaining acceptance as a main stream entity. Although they have yet to elect a member to Parliament, they continue to grow and gain support amongst the electorate. Still a fringe party, they have the potential to become a bigger force in Canadian politics.

Next: Canada’s alternate political parties.

July 24, 2008 at 1:50 am 6 comments

Canadian Recreation: Cottage Country

I spent the last four days participating in what many consider to be the quintessential Canadian summertime activity: Cottaging. I was in what is known as Ontario’s Cottage Country. The building I was staying in was a cottage in name only, as it was actually a big house with all the creature comforts of home.

Since going to a cottage is part of the natural-way of things for people that live in Southern Ontario, I automatically assume that everyone understands the concept of going to a cottage, but is this really so?

In the other parts of North America that I’ve lived there didn’t appear to be such a cultural milieu surrounding weekend places/cottages, and definitely not in the vein that it appears in Ontario. The closest thing to cottaging I observed was on the west coast where some people own a mountain cabin. This practice, though, didn’t appear to be as prevalent or as big a part of the culture as is cottaging in Ontario.

A cottage in Ontario–in case it means something different to people in other parts of the world–is a housing structure located on a lake. The structure can be as rustic as a shed or a trailer, and can be as extravagant as a mansion, and includes everything in between. Some people live in these places year round, while most people own them as their weekend getaway abode. Most activities while at the cottage are water-based. Cottage-people own boats, canoes, and other floating recreational-craft, have docks, often fish, and spend much time sitting around and looking at the lake.

In Ontario it is almost expected, if you can afford it, that you will buy a cottage. Ontario is a land of lakes, and starting about an hour’s drive north of Toronto you enter into Cottage Country.

Is cottaging important in other parts of Canada? What about other place around the world? What do people do for weekend recreational activities in the summer?

July 22, 2008 at 4:46 pm 2 comments

Canadian Nature: The Moose – Nature’s Asshole

Moose are fascinating animals. By ‘fascinating’ I mean ‘horribly obtuse’. Moose believe themselves to be nature’s practical joke artists, but in reality they are just a pain in humanities ass.

My heart goes out to my fellow citizens who have to live side by side with these creatures of immense flatulence. Moose are difficult animals to live with as they tend to leave stinky piles of poopy in strategic locations, hoping that people will ‘accidentally’ step in them.

Moose have poor eyesight, making them easy to sneak up on and give wedgies. Unfortunately they also have laser vision, and they think it hilarious to burn holes in people’s britches.

(Moose have poor eyesight and will often get close to items to see what they are. Photo from Hampton Roads Publishing Company.)

Scientific Name: Alces alces (It is a well known fact that animals who have the same genus and species name are mentally deficient.)

Lifespan: Natural lifespan is unknown due to the moose’s tendency to use their laser vision on anyone who asks them.

Preferred Habitat: Found throughout the Northern Hemisphere. Their home base is Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

Dietary Habits: These animals purposely eat vast quantities of ruffage to stimulate mass quantities of defacation. They also like cherry cheesecake.

Behaviour: Moose relax by smashing each other in the head with their immense antlers. For creatures who have such an irreverent attitude, they are savvy business-animals, and have dipped their hooves into many parts of the Canadian economy, including: part ownership in the American Hockey League team, Manitoba Moose; a restaurant chain called Moose Winooski’s; and a radio station called The Moose in Fort St. John, BC.

(I don’t recommend ordering the “Moose Pie Surprise” at Moose Winooski’s)

July 16, 2008 at 11:43 pm 10 comments

Canadian Intergalactic: U.F.O’s Obviously Exist.

I have proof that U.F.O’s do exist. It’s so obvious that I’m surprised no one else has ever realized it. I must be a genius.

Most people think that everything between the Pacific, Atlantic, and Arctic Oceans, and the American borders is Canadian territory. This actually is not true. Within the boundaries of Canada is a plot of Intergalactic Territory that is available for use by both Earthlings, and Non-Earthlings alike. This territory is located in the town of St. Paul, Alberta.

At this location is a U.F.O landing pad built specifically for intergalactic travelers…and hookers.

(There is a convenient gift shop next to the landing pad, just in case the aliens want to buy some souvenirs. Photo from How Stuff Works.)

I can tell, dear reader, that you’re probably thinking something like, “Hookers??? Why do you keep going on about hookers, for Christ sakes? Every post it’s ‘hookers this’, and ‘hookers that’ with you. Give it a rest!”

OK, OK, calm down. I like to insert hooker references into my posts because I think the word ‘hookers’ is funny. It makes me laugh. Personally, I think the plight of hookers is a horrible, horrible thing. What kind of society forces women to use their bodies as a commodity? Well, every society, actually, but that’s besides the point.

“OK, fair enough,” is what you might say next. “But what do hookers have to do with the U.F.O landing pad in St. Paul, Alberta?”

Well, dear reader, I’m making the assumption that this would be a great place for hookers to set up shop. Think about it. After traveling millions of light-years across the galaxy, what’s the first thing that those male aliens are going to want when they make a pit stop in St. Paul? A bag of licorice? No, they’re going to want hookers.

Anyway, enough about hookers…

…for now…

…let’s get back to the U.F.O landing pad.

(Why am I obsessed with hookers, and what is it I do when thinking about hookers? Good questions. Soon all shall be revealed. Picture from I Can Has Cheesburger.)

The town of St. Paul wanted to make a big splash for the 1967 Canadian Centennial. Since resources on the net referencing events that led to the creation of the landing pad are difficult to find, I had to use common sense and assumptions to come up with the following history.

What I think happened is that the town of St. Paul was having some trouble attracting visitors in the early part of the 1960’s. With the Canadian Centennial coming up the townspeople got together to try to figure out some way they could take advantage of the celebrations to create a stir and bring more tourists to the bustling city of under 4000 inhabitants. What should they do?

Suddenly the reclusive, and often drunk, Phil, stepped forward, waving his hands in the air and eager to share his idea with the other townsfolk. “We should bring a truck load of hookers into town…”

Alright, I’m sorry about that. You’re right. I’m getting carried away with the hooker references. Let’s start over.

Suddenly the reclusive, and often drunk, Phil, stepped forward, waiving his hands in the air and eager to share his idea with the other townsfolk. “Wefa bulda forma spocaephff”

“What?” Was everyones reply. After several more attempts one of the other townspeople was finally able to translate what Phil was going on about. “I think he’s saying that we should build a platform for U.F.O’s,” reported Suzy Busybody, continuing to be up in everybody’s face.

The mayor of St. Paul, who had just returned to town from the local asylum, thought that this was a great idea, and so the platform was built and proclaimed as international space under the protection of the Canadian government.

So, dear reader, you now see that U.F.O’s obviously exist. Why else would the fine townspeople of St. Paul, Alberta go to all that trouble to erect a U.F.O landing pad? If aliens don’t exist, than this just doesn’t make sense!

…and hookers.

July 9, 2008 at 11:37 pm 7 comments

Canadian Lists: Top-Three Canadian Territories

If you thought making the top-ten Canadian province list was difficult, well, it was nothing compared to the internal conflict I had regarding the list for the top-three Canadian Territories.

“Only the top three,” you ask?!?!?!?

Yes. I needed a challenge.

So, once again, congratulations to those Canadian territories that made the list. You are truly the cream of the Canadian territory crop.

Here they are, in no particular order:

North West Territories: Motto: “You Think Winnipeg Is Cold…”

Yukon: Motto: “Come For The Gold, Stay For The Hookers”

Nunavut: Motto: “Whitey’s Worst Nightmare”

July 7, 2008 at 11:24 pm 4 comments

Canadian Lists: Top-Ten Provinces

Top Ten lists are always fun. I present to you the top-ten Canadian Provinces.

Because I had such a difficult time choosing the ten best Canadian provinces, I decided to forgo trying to figure out a ranking. You can be sure, though, that every province that made this list deserves to be here. These provinces are, if nothing else, the shining light of Canada, and I am proud that all of them are part of the Dominion.

For anyone from a province that was not included on this list, all I can say is sorry, but your province just wasn’t good enough. Please, though, if you do live in a Canadian province that didn’t make the list, leave me a comment and let me know why your province should be on the list, as well as where your province is located.

Here are the top ten Canadian provinces:

Alberta: Provincial motto – “Liberals Suck”.

Nova Scotia: Provincial motto – “We Like Wearing Blonde Wigs and Dressing As Leprechauns“.

British Columbia: Provincial motto – “What?…uh..heheh…What?…Light Another One, Man…”.

Newfoundland and Labrador: Provincial motto – “Stronger Economy Than Ontario Now”

Saskatchewan: Provincial motto – “We’re Tired Of Flat Jokes”.

Prince Edward Island: Provincial motto – “It’s Not The Size Of The Province That Matters, It’s The Size Of The Potato”.

Manitoba: Provincial motto – “At Least We’re Not Ontario”.

New Brunswick: Provincial motto – “You Think P.E.I Has A Big Potato, You Should See Ours”.

Ontario: Provincial motto – “At Least We’re Not Manitoba”.

Quebec: Provincial motto – “What Is This ‘Canada’ You Speak Of?”

Next week: The top-three Canadian territories.

July 4, 2008 at 12:10 am 9 comments

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