International Conflict (part 2): The Empire Strikes Back!

Starbucks is an empire, have no doubt. They span the world, are a household name, and everyone hates them — poor multinational corporation…

I’m usually supportive of local small-business, and avoid global-corporation monsters, but I have to admit that I am partial to Starbucks coffee. It’s popular to hate them nowadays–and I don’t particularly like them as a corporation–but I have to admit that they make some pretty tasty coffee. I get the usual, regular, bold coffee, but I really like their caramel machiato’s (sp?). Quite frankly, anything with caramel in it is usually orgasmic.

For this segment of my investigation into whether or not Tim Hortons can make one feel more Canadian I decided I would contrast my results from part one of the experiment–a visit to Tim Hortons–with a visit to Starbucks to see how the two experiences compared in Canadianity.

Part 2:

The drive to Starbucks sucked. We had another dumping of snow overnight which added to the already excessive amount that had accumulated from the previous two snowfalls over the past week. We’re scheduled for another storm on Friday as well, *sigh*.

It took me a half-hour to dig my car out of the snow–which included a barrage of swear words my neighbours will never forget–before I was able to start my journey. The roads weren’t too bad, but they were full of morning-commute drivers and coupled with the slick streets meant that traffic was moving slow. This pissed me off. I mean I’m a frick’n awesome driver and people need to get out of my way when I’m on the street. Stupid peons.

My mood was particularly grumpy when I arrived at Starbucks. There were other people there already, and they were in my way! Why didn’t these assholes realize that I am more important than they are and I needed my coffee now! Peons.

Normally I think the staff at Starbucks are much nicer than the people at Tim Hortons, but today they were pissing me off. Why didn’t they have my drink ready for me when I arrived at the counter? Why weren’t they kissing my ass and telling me that I am their favorite customer and that when I’m not in the cafe they pine for me and their life is worthless until I arrive to demand my coffee. Peons.

And why the hell do I have to put my own cream and sugar in my coffee? They put it in for me at Tim Hortons. Don’t they realize how much time I waste by having to put my own crap in my coffee? I pay more for this coffee than similar sized options at other beverage distributors, so the least they can do is get off their lazy-asses and do their work and make my coffee the way I want it. Why should I have to do this work? It’s my right as an American Canadian that I am able to pay more to have people do what I want them to, while I sit back and let my ass get fatter! If I want my coffee served to me by a hot naked-babe then, by the Gods-they need to hire a hot-babe to serve me my coffee! It’s the American Canadian way!

I made sure everyone knew how I felt before I left. I’m sure my opinions were enlightening.

So, did visiting Starbucks make me feel any more Canadian? Who the fuck cares and it’s none of your business! Are you paying me for my opinion? No! It’s called capitalism, people, you need to embrace it. Everyone else but me needs to get a life and realize that I am the center of the universe and that whatever I say is right, whatever I want I get, and whatever I do is the path of truth. You must do all this and also respect me, because of my superiority. If you don’t agree with me YOU will force ME to consider you my enemy and I will smite you with the fire of a thousand fire-ants.

You’ve been warned.

I also have nuclear weapons. No one else can have them, because that’s not fair. But I have them and you better fear me.

Go America, I mean Canada!