Canadian Sports: The New Olympics

August 14, 2008 at 1:21 am 10 comments

As of writing this, Team Canada has yet to win a medal at the XXIX Olympics. The Canadian athletes have been very close in several events, but no one has been able to make it to the podium yet. This is very sad.

As a result of these circumstances I’ve decided to come up with some competitions in which Canadians would be competitive.  Hopefully we will see some of these as Olympic events in the future.


Overview: Bingo is a simple game, and I’m sure most readers are familiar with it. Basically, players are given cards with the word B-I-N-G-O along the top, and columns of numbers under each letter. A caller randomly picks a ball from a tumbler, and calls out the letter and number that are printed on it. The first player to complete the required pattern wins.

Pros: Winning is based on absolutely no skill and is completely random. Canadian athletes have as much chance of wining as any other nation’s athletes.

Cons: Bingo does not make for exciting T.V.. Potential of a riot breaking out when ‘O-69’ is called.

(It is recommend that, for Bingo to be a successful Olympic sport, athletes wear sexy uniforms)


Overview: This sport requires a playing field that mimics a city street scene. Players must make their way down the city street and ‘proposition’ individuals whom the athletes believe are hookers. Points are awarded for each correct proposition. Points are taken away for picking innocent citizens and the round ends if an athlete propositions an undercover police officer. Bonus points are awarded to competitors who are able to pick out the transvestite hooker.

Pros: All the hookers are pros, of course.

Cons: Proposition athletes are known for their irreverent attitudes and often show up to competitions drunk. This resulted in some unfortunate ‘incidents’ during the 2006 World Proposition Championships.

(Can you tell which one of these ‘hookers’ is an undercover cop? It’s one of the skills you need as a Proposition athlete.)

Speed Pet

Overview: This is a bi-species sport bringing humans and cats together in team competition. The goal of the sport is, through petting, to be the first team to have the cat purring. This is best accomplished by the human athletes vigorously petting the cat athletes along their backs. Catnip is considered a banned substance in this sport.

Pros: Speed Pet would be only the second bi-species competition in the Olympics, joining the equestrian events.

Cons: There is the potential that nations will genetically engineer ‘Super Speed-Pet Cats’ that start purring when looked at. This would make competition irrelevant.

(This is the traditional position for Speed Pet athletes.)

Seal Clubbing

Overview: Teams of athletes go into a designated area to hunt and club seals.

Pros: Canada has much experience in this sport already. Our athletes should be well prepared making it possible foe Canada to sweep the medals in this sport.

Cons: A difficult sport to televise due to the carnage. Likely to be protested by groups such as Greenpeace and PETA.

(Seal clubbing is a gruesome sport and not recommended for the faint of heart.)

Entry filed under: canadian, Cats, humour, international, sports. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

The Moose: *Wipes Tear From Eye* Canadian History: Thank You, America.

10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sun Warrior  |  August 17, 2008 at 9:51 am

    LMAO! That was so good… I needed that!

    We won three medals yesterday… I swear it took some ancient Chinese medicine to break the curse of the Air Canada commercial for the Olympics…

    It’s so friggin depressing… can you imagine flying to the Olympics in a plane where everyone is so down, (“I’m not going to win any medals…”) you don’t know if they will take the plane down with them!

    Ah! Gold for the child of Vietnam refugees won! I get it… if you can recover from being Boat People, you can get through anything, including Air Canada!…

    I needed to rant… thanks for the ink and paper… ‘Pet the Pussy til it Purrs’ definitely has potential in my books…

  • 2. C. Fraser  |  August 17, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    Heya, S.W. Things have seemed to turn around this weekend! From what I’ve heard our athletes weren’t really expected to medal in any events that first week, so the standings weren’t really a surprise.

    I’m actually not too concerned about medals. It’s nice, and feels good, and I do feel happy for our athletes who get a medal, (and I have to admit I think I have a crush on Carol Huynh after having heard her talk and seeing how sincerely happy she appeared), but I’m also happy for the athletes who give their best and pull out good performances and results, even without medals.

    I guess that’s the stereotypical Canadian response…heheh. “Do your best, people, and whatever happens, happens.”

  • 3. Sun Warrior  |  August 17, 2008 at 11:01 pm

    Yes! Canada lives up to the old Olympic ideal… Amateur! LOL! I dunno… doesn’t seem like we are as upset as former years in flunking out… like the wind has gone out of the country…

  • 4. C. Fraser  |  August 19, 2008 at 10:02 am

    A part of me wants to see the government dump more money into our athletes. A part of me realizes that’s only, ultimately, vanity.

  • 5. Sun Warrior  |  August 24, 2008 at 3:55 pm

    Yes, there is so little nationalism supported by the government anymore, its the least they could do… such a cheap, easy win for the feds…

  • 6. Sun Warrior  |  August 24, 2008 at 3:56 pm

    … oh, and nice pic of the Brazilian team… I can always count on your blog… !

  • 7. C. Fraser  |  August 25, 2008 at 11:53 am

    I aim to please…preferably with pictures of half-naked babes.

  • 8. Bob Williams  |  October 28, 2008 at 11:40 pm

    great pics of the brazillians

  • 9. C. Fraser  |  October 29, 2008 at 2:46 pm

    Only the best for my readers.

  • […] appearance.  Brazilian Amoeba appears to be wearing a pair of bikini bottoms, borrowed from the Brazilian beach volley ball team.  Very sexy!  Unfortunately bikini bottoms are against the Amoeba Battle rules, and so Brazilian […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed

Random Sources of Humour Humor Blogs - Blog Catalog Blog Directory Blogerella

%d bloggers like this: