Canadian Sports: The New Olympics
As of writing this, Team Canada has yet to win a medal at the XXIX Olympics. The Canadian athletes have been very close in several events, but no one has been able to make it to the podium yet. This is very sad.
As a result of these circumstances I’ve decided to come up with some competitions in which Canadians would be competitive. Hopefully we will see some of these as Olympic events in the future.
Overview: Bingo is a simple game, and I’m sure most readers are familiar with it. Basically, players are given cards with the word B-I-N-G-O along the top, and columns of numbers under each letter. A caller randomly picks a ball from a tumbler, and calls out the letter and number that are printed on it. The first player to complete the required pattern wins.
Pros: Winning is based on absolutely no skill and is completely random. Canadian athletes have as much chance of wining as any other nation’s athletes.
Cons: Bingo does not make for exciting T.V.. Potential of a riot breaking out when ‘O-69’ is called.
(It is recommend that, for Bingo to be a successful Olympic sport, athletes wear sexy uniforms)
Overview: This sport requires a playing field that mimics a city street scene. Players must make their way down the city street and ‘proposition’ individuals whom the athletes believe are hookers. Points are awarded for each correct proposition. Points are taken away for picking innocent citizens and the round ends if an athlete propositions an undercover police officer. Bonus points are awarded to competitors who are able to pick out the transvestite hooker.
Pros: All the hookers are pros, of course.
Cons: Proposition athletes are known for their irreverent attitudes and often show up to competitions drunk. This resulted in some unfortunate ‘incidents’ during the 2006 World Proposition Championships.
(Can you tell which one of these ‘hookers’ is an undercover cop? It’s one of the skills you need as a Proposition athlete.)
Overview: This is a bi-species sport bringing humans and cats together in team competition. The goal of the sport is, through petting, to be the first team to have the cat purring. This is best accomplished by the human athletes vigorously petting the cat athletes along their backs. Catnip is considered a banned substance in this sport.
Pros: Speed Pet would be only the second bi-species competition in the Olympics, joining the equestrian events.
Cons: There is the potential that nations will genetically engineer ‘Super Speed-Pet Cats’ that start purring when looked at. This would make competition irrelevant.
(This is the traditional position for Speed Pet athletes.)
Overview: Teams of athletes go into a designated area to hunt and club seals.
Pros: Canada has much experience in this sport already. Our athletes should be well prepared making it possible foe Canada to sweep the medals in this sport.
Cons: A difficult sport to televise due to the carnage. Likely to be protested by groups such as Greenpeace and PETA.
(Seal clubbing is a gruesome sport and not recommended for the faint of heart.)
Entry filed under: canadian, Cats, humour, international, sports. Tags: athletes, athletics, beach volleyball, bingo, Canada, canadian, canadian olympics, cat humor, cat humour, Cats, culture, funny, games, greenpeace, hookers, humor, humour, irreverant, olympics, peta, satire, sports.