International Conflict: Tim Hortons vs. Starbucks (part 1)

Today I decided to conduct a second experiment as part of an ongoing investigative-series determining what it means to be Canadian. In the first experiment I answered the question about whether or not drinking a six-pack of Molson Canadian made a person feel more Canadian.

It was determined that, no, drinking six bottles of this beer did not make one feel more Canadian. It was a tough experiment that pushed my body and mind to the limit, but it was worth it, scientifically speaking. I plan to re-visit this experiment sometime in the future.

For now, I decided that I would experiment with a different type of liquid; coffee, focusing on the coffee of a national chain, Tim Hortons.

Tim Hortons is, in fact, a poorly disguised cult, akin to Scientology. Whereas Scientology promotes ways to defeat alien entities known as Thetans, Tim Hortons serves us coffee and tasty donuts; the difference between the two is minimal. Word on the street is that ‘Hortonites’ are next on Annonymous’ hit list.

I decided to divide this experiment into two parts. First I would explore the world of Tim Hortons coffee from the purchasing stage to consumption of the beverage. Does the act of buying a Tim Hortons double-double make a person feel more Canadian? Does drinking it affect the Canadianess of a person?

Second, I wanted to compare the most Canadian of coffee to the American counterpart; Starbucks. Which is superior? Should we as Hortonites be worried about this incursion of Starbuckians on our soil? Should we, as Canadians, jihad their ass?

Important questions. Let’s look at what we discovered.

Part 1:

It was snowing while I drove to my local Tim Hortons. This was a nice effect and did indeed add to my feeling of being Canadian. It was cold and blustery, making the roads slightly hazardous. There was still plenty of traffic as Canadians don’t let a little thing like extreme weather stop them from important missions such as going to
Tim Hortons for a coffee.

Tim Hortons was full, as usual. The lineup wasn’t too bad, and by that I mean I only had to stand in the lobby, whereas some days the lineup stretches all the way out the entrance. All the seats were full with Hortonites enjoying their ‘juice from the teats of the gods’, as some locals call it. I have to say that I did feel a little more Canadian just standing there, looking around at all my fellow Canadians; until the person behind me told me to pay attention and move my ass.

After a few minutes I made it to the counter and ordered my double-double. Ordering a ‘double-double’ is a genuine Canadian thing. For those who are ignorant a double-double means ‘two creams and two sugars’. Most Canadians order double-doubles at Tim Hortons, as not doing so is a stupid move; more on that later. Making my order made me feel more Canadian.

With coffee in hand I headed back to my car. For a Hortonite there is nothing more exciting than popping open the flap on the lid of your coffee and savouring that first swig of sugary sweetness. Tim Hortons coffee does have a distinctive taste different from any other brand that I’ve tasted in my travels. This is a truly Canadian coffee-beverage.

I was beginning to burst with Canadian pride from my Tim Hortons experience. Tim Hortons really is a one of a kind, Canadian-only experience. On the surface it’s a donut shop that has morphed itself into a fast-food coffee mecca. In reality it’s a Canadian institution, owned by an American corporation (Wendy’s). What major Canadian corporation today isn’t owned by foreign investors? It’s good to be Canadian.

Analysis of Part 1: This was a genuine Canadian experience. From the first step of driving to Tim Hortons in a snow storm, to being in the temple purchasing a double-double, and finally consuming of the product, I felt a boost to my Canadianity. No other coffee buying experience has quite the same atmosphere as buying a double-double from Timmy’s.

To my fellow Canadians — if you need a boost to your Canadian identity, get yourself to the nearest Tim Hortons, stat!

To non-Canadians — You’re invited too.

Part 2: A look at America, I mean, Starbucks, in The Empire Strikes Back.  I came up with that title all by myself.